Day 30.
We made it! The final is tonight and we will never speak of this lengthy stretch of mind-numbing reality television ever again.
Last night’s gripping episode of Celebrity Big Brother saw the evicted housemates returning to set pointless tasks for their peers, then rejoining the house for a big old party.
It’s a shame that the Oscar nominations have already been released for 2018, as last night’s episode would surely be a contender for Best Picture.
Here’s five important things we learned from the penultimate episode of Celebrity Big Brother 2018.
1. Ann Widdecombe does not appreciate the impressive art form of stripping
The housemates were treated to a morning filled with the sound of Ginuwine’s dulcet tones and the sight of some male strippers. Surprisingly, Ann Widdecombe, firm hater of everything, didn’t enjoy this bountiful treat. She stomped into the bedroom and buried her head underneath a towel while the festivities took place. Although the strippers were unavailable for comment at the time of this article going to print, it is reasonable to assume that they felt hurt by Ann’s lack of respect for their craft. Those men were dancing their little hearts out for the admiration they rightfully deserved, and she shunned their efforts. This woman is despicable and in no way worthy of any stripper’s valiant efforts.
2. India Willoughby is the worst news reader of all time
India returned to the CBB house to deliver a news bulletin. She remained a total professional right up until the point where she launched into a heated live argument with Ann Widdecombe. Perhaps interactive news is the future. Our newsreaders will be able to see our realtime reactions to various topics, then have a debate with us based on our political stances. It was quite refreshing to see a newsreader roasting their audience in between updates about Big Brother, but also deeply uncomfortable. Maybe the world just isn’t quite ready for India’s unique news reading style.
3. Andrew has the correct amount of teeth that an adult should have
This has been independently verified by a dental expert based on the above image, in which every last one of Andrew’s teeth is visible. The man’s smile is wider than mankind has ever seen before. Andrew Brady, formerly of The Apprentice, might very well be the happiest man alive. He exudes elation, particularly in the midst of a secret Celebrity Big Brother task involving Shane J/Courtney. In summary, this man has got a large amount of teeth on display when he smiles. All 32, to be precise. We will bring you more on this breaking story as it develops.
4. Rachel Johnson still can’t rap for shit
Of all the people to perform a rap in the Celebrity Big Brother house on the second last day, why oh why did it have to be Rachel Johnson? She does not possess the gift. It has not been bestowed upon her. Rachel begun her “rap” with the lyrics “Judgement day’s a comin’ to the Big Brother house. May the best woman win, so don’t be a louse”. At this point, Big Brother should’ve cut her microphone feed and gently escorted her off the premises. Things went from bad to worse as Rachel “spat” the line “Big Brother’s been watching you and so have I, listening to your pie in the sky”. Truly, this woman needs to be stopped. World wars have been started over less offensive acts.
5. Andrew, the absolute boy, nicked a can of the CBB house’s booze
After a fun party for all housemates past and present, it was time for these minor celebrities to say their goodbyes. The evicted housemates assembled at the top of the stairs for an emotional farewell, but Andrew had some contraband for all to see. He only went and nicked a can of alcohol for the road, the cheeky swine. He stole from the CBB stash and didn’t even attempt to conceal it from the cameras. What we’re dealing with here is just a massive bloody legend. Andrew is a turbo lad and his boisterous ways simply cannot be tamed by man nor machine. He went on CBB to break down gender barriers and fuck shit up, and he’s just broken down the last gender barrier in existence.
All images via Channel 5
