Episode 4.
We’re only four days in but it feels like a lifetime.
While most were carrying out similarly stimulating activities such as counting the amount of Corn Flakes left in the box, I opted to watch last night’s Survival of the Fittest.
There was an abundance of cringe, discomfort and disturbance contained within the show, which is frankly the only reason why I keep going back.
Here’s five moments that were particularly tough to watch.
1. Warren served a look
The series is henceforth going to be known as ‘Individual Style Has Gone Too Far’ and will only be referred to as such. We’ve seen a broad range of looks being debuted in the lodge over the last few days, proving that regardless of age or gender, Brits can’t help but feel an intense urge to dress slightly wackier than usual when they’re on holidays. Between James/Mariam’s structurally confusing glasses that we saw again yesterday and now Warren’s convicted child molester specs, things have officially gone too far. They’re not even prescription. Please, if we do nothing else with 2018, can we ban these hideous forms of eyewear.
2. Tristan demonstrated his kissing technique and now the nation will never feel right again
Tristan was inquiring about Callum and Mariam’s first kiss, when the notion struck him to demonstrate how he anticipated their kiss went. As you can see above, his technique involves “licking out a yoghurt pot”, as Callum eloquently put it. Did we need to see this on pre-watershed television? No. But our lives are now broken into two parts, the time before we saw Tristan’s abysmal kissing technique and the time after we’ve seen it. This show is an abomination and we need to take a good look at the kind of people we’re making twenty minute celebrities out of, especially at what they’re doing with their tongues when they kiss.
3. They’re all going to get chronic tan lines from their big ugly watches
To differentiate Survival of the Fittest from Love Island, the contestants receive messages on their watches as opposed to mobile phones because the year is 2018 and even our dogs will display text messages pretty soon too. The problem is, these watches are gaudy units that are guaranteed to land these dorks with some pretty nasty tan lines. Sure, it’ll all be fun and games while they’re in South Africa, but once they land back on the smoggy shores of Britain, there’ll be no filling in those pasty patches. Perhaps the real objective of the series is to produce the most offensive tan line? Which is, to be fair, a far more gripping premise than boys vs girls.
4. They sacrificed the weakest contestant and buried their body parts in a sophisticated grid system
It was an unexpected twist, but a welcome shake-up in the show’s proceedings. The contestants had to pick their least favourite competitor and then sacrifice them to the Survival of the Fittest Gods. Lenny was chopped up into tiny pieces and then buried in a grid system. They contestants were exhausted as they had to dig pretty deep to mask the smell of his rotting remains under the South African heat. Obviously none of this happened but the show is just so bad that I need to invent things to keep myself sane.
5. Warren is a girl now
Huge congratulations to Warren who is now a girl because he sat under a sign that says ‘girls’. He will be joining the superior race in great company and hopefully be the missing link that the original girls team needs to guarantee them a well-deserved victory. Warren is yet to be informed that he is now a girl, but perhaps we’ll see that on tomorrow night’s episode. If I may, I’d like to take a moment to publicly condemn whoever initially described this show as ‘The winter Love Island‘. We have all been misled. Remember Shipwrecked? That was good. This show isn’t.
Images via ITV
