Week 1 – Biscuits
Last night we were treated to the first episode of the new series of GBBOÂ and it seems as though things are suitably, albeit slowly, falling into place.
Favourites have emerged, irritants have made themselves known and clickbait articles regarding the show being “fixed” have already materialised. This is it. We are truly living in the golden age for content.
Regardless, it’s evident that this is going to be a good series. You can practically smell it. Last night, the contestants tackled biscuits and in the ultimate act of defiance, the biscuits also tackled them.
Here’s six key moments you might’ve missed during the show.
1. Prue wore a necklace that will allow her to unlock a secret level on Crash Bandicoot
Now that Prue has collected all of the necessary relics from the game, she is well within her rights to access the exclusive underwater bonus level by inputting the code that she received. Not all gamers choose to wear the obtained relics around their neck accompanied by a matching pair of glasses, but it’s Prue’s prerogative to parade her achievements in whatever way she feels is best for her. Each relic represents a level completed and an overlord successfully beaten. The hours she would have put into the game to achieve so many tokens is staggering. Unfortunately, it has to be said, Mary Berry could NEVER.
2. Rahul’s Dad bodied him on Skype while a stuffed tiger looked on in amusement
Rahul conducted a Skype conversation with his parents for the benefit of the GBBO ‘getting to know you’ segment where we learn about the bakers’ home lives. After revealing that Rahul is a nuclear scientist, we were instantly treated to a Skype chat between him and his parents, during which he was told that he needs a haircut and a shave. This serves as a wholesome reminder that even the most intelligent and accomplished people are not exempt from their parents bodying them at any given opportunity. Rahul’s family needs this GBBO victory more than anything else, even more than a haircut and a shave.
3. Karen had an emotional and intimate moment with a shopper during filming
She works as a product promoter in her local supermarket, so Karen is used to feeding the masses and marvelling at their feigned interest in her produce. But this man, like a beacon in the night, attacked her strawberry sample by chugging it like a £2 shot in a nightclub. They made firm eye contact as the man toppled the strawberry into his orifice, as Karen looked on like a proud mother feeding her children. She then responded to his groans of delight with “Juicy?” and the man nodded with a post-coital glare. Thank you for including this in the final edit, GBBO producers. Evidently, it was a difficult decision to make.
4. Karen brought a packed lunch with her to the GBBO tent which solely consisted of crisps
Already my personal favourite GBBO contestant this year, Karen got her 24 biscuits finished ahead of the time allocation, so sat down smugly at her workstation and proceeded to eat a packed lunch. The contents of the lunchbox was three, possibly four packets of crisps and precisely nothing else. Karen tucked into the salty treats, offering her frantic fellow contestants a sample (presumably due to her background as a supermarket product promoter), as they panic iced their biscuits and tried to scrape them off the trays they’d been cooked on. Even though it’s only the first episode, she has already won the hearts of the nation. Crisp Lady deserves to triumph.
5. Briony’s self portrait was literally Jimmy Krankie
Self portraits are difficult. You have to acknowledge all of your flaws and reproduce them without bias. Wrinkles must remain intact, crooked noses, wonky teeth, everything must be relayed in an honest representation of yourself. Basically, if you find yourself in a situation where you look a bit like Wee Jimmy Krankie, you have no choice but to replicate that in biscuit form when the situation dictates it. Briony looks a little bit like Jimmy Krankie in person, but when you add a biscuit background and what appears to be a police sketch of her during a hot flush, Briony ends up being Jimmy Krankie as he lives and breathes. Spot the difference. You cannot, for there are none.
6. Thanks to Terry’s self portrait, nobody is ever going to experience a satisfying night’s sleep again
Look at those cold, dead eyes. Has a specially moulded ginger snap biscuit ever gazed into your soul, seen your true self laid bare and disapproved of it in a more harrowing fashion than the above concoction? Unlikely. Terry really went for it, taking a mould of his actual face and then carefully shaping over it with biscuit. He’s created a masterpiece, but unfortunately, GBBO viewers are unlikely to ever experience a full and satisfactory nights’ sleep ever again as a result. Those eyes, having seen very little, say so much. That’s the face of a man that has done unspeakable things to get to where he is today, and will do them again. Also, Terry is the Monopoly man, pass it on.
Images via Channel 4
