I watched an episode of Love Island proving that every day we stray further from God’s light

More like *something that rhymes with love* Island.

I’ve never watched an episode of Love Island, but it’s about time we change that since apparently everyone else is watching it and I am but a sheep on this majestically grassy knoll we call life.

I watched episode 6 of series 3 (broadcast Sunday 11th June at 9pm), and what follows is a selection of my findings, softened into the most palatable form for public consumption, much like the show itself.

They all seem to genuinely really care about each other, for 3 minutes

The show opens with everyone looking quite sad after a guy (legitimately) called Harley was eliminated. One girl is sobbing into her hands in a corner, while a group of them are stuffing their faces in the kitchen, proving that we all deal with grief in our own unique way. Another group of these very tanned and attractive people are gathered smoking together whilst they look at the girl who’s crying and openly talk about her.

One guy (Marcel), an absolute legend, uses this opportunity to try and score by telling a girl (Camilla) that she’s a lovely crier and that he wants to make her cry all the time, which bizarrely didn’t result in the pair of them boning immediately. Camilla seems to have had a nice friendship with Harley and says that before he left, he told her to just keep on going, which she will now do. Realistically, you have no other option but to keep going until you die, so that was really dumb advice.

After precisely 3 minutes, the grief for their fallen comrade is sufficiently expelled and it’s back to business on the island, whatever that is. Maybe flirting?

Discussion Question: Have you ever cared about someone for longer than 3 minutes?

I’m honestly jealous of their big sleepover setup

Potential riding quietly under the covers aside, it looks like the best fun. They all share beds together and they’re all lined up in a row. If I was there, I probably wouldn’t sleep from giddiness. Imagine having twelve other people to share your innermost thoughts with as you all lie there silent in the dead of night.

This probably stems from my childhood loneliness where I had bunkbeds but all to myself. I could only sleep on the bottom bunk because the top somehow gave me motion sickness. It was a massive waste, but when I had friends stay for a sleepover, it all made sense. I could talk and talk for hours, preventing them from falling asleep because it’s my house and my fucking rules.

At this point, I am considering applying for Love Island just to experience a big communal dormitory in adulthood without it being weird.

Discussion Question: Should bunk beds be confined to childhood?

The contestants all look really familiar

I swear I’ve seen all of these contestants before, but research has proven that they’re not famous. They all look like Pokemon evolutions of famous people that were on Made In Chelsea or in the background of Geordie Shore or possibly on the early years of Holby City.

It’s a bit chilling. Did I go to the same Uni as some of these? Have I sat opposite one of them in Nando’s, overhearing him brag about how he could drink the extra hot peri peri sauce if anyone was brave enough to dare him? Was one of the girls on my flight to Lanzarote a few years ago, causing me a mid-flight migraine due to the odorous fake tan she’d chosen to lather herself in the night before?

They’re all extremely reality television kind of people. If you lined them up among a selection of goths, hippies, witches and Bronies, I’d pick out every single one of them to go on something like Love Island, except Sam, he’d make a brilliant goth.

Discussion Question: Who from Love Island you think will be on the next series of Geordie Shore and why?

OK HANG ON ONE OF THESE CHUMPS WAS IN BLAZING SQUAD!!!!

Following on from my previous point, I was on the fucking money. Marcel said something off the cuff like “that’s where we did the video for Crossroads”, so I immediately had to Google what he was talking about. It turns out he was in Blazin’ Squad!

Am I surprised? No. Statistically, one in seven people were in either Blazin’ Squad or the Sugababes, so it’s actually quite startling that only one out of this particular selection of twelve people would fall into either category on this occasion.

I’m excited to see how this plays out with the rest of the contestants. Presumably, they already know who he is because Marcel from Blazin’ Squad comfortably became a household name when they burst onto the scene in 2001 and has remained exactly that ever since.

Discussion Question: Marcel keeps referring to the band as THE Blazin’ Squad, but I’ve always referred to them as simply Blazin’ Squad. Who is correct here?

The house is fucking sensational

Given that I’m a millennial and consume far too much latte-soaked avocado toast, I will never be purchasing a house. Hence, I’m left with no other option than to drool over houses on the television and let me assure you, the villa they’re staying in is a fucking dime piece.

The swimming pool is huge, far bigger than our childhood shambles of an inflatable paddling pool, there’s exposed brickwork everywhere which I am admittedly a sucker for and everything is open plan which we all know is the fucking future. Are these love-hungry contestants worth of this type of establishment? Absolutely not. But do I begrudge them? Absolutely not. Live your life, you beautifully bronzed kids.

While they’re all off trying to see whose genitals they can touch their own with, I’m eyeing up the surroundings and mentally preparing a suitable colour scheme for the garden furniture so that it all FLOWS. The grass is fake as fuck but you’d easily overlook that considering it’s in Spain and they just don’t have the climate.

Discussion Question: Does anyone actually know what the difference between a house and a villa is?

The girls felt perfectly entitled to a day at the spa

…and why shouldn’t they? They’d just undergone a really tough morning complete with pastries, freshly squeezed orange juice and a large amount of flirting. They were positively exhausted by the time that mystery text rolled in informing them of their long overdue pampering session.

The spa trip, in its entirety, consisted of the girls drinking a glass of champagne in stationary pool of water, which facilitated discussions about their breakfast because they had literally nothing else to talk about since their last discussion. The current political spectacle in the UK was off the cards, and it was all about how much eye contact they made with the boys at brekkie.

Were the boys having similar conversations? Were. They. Fuck. They got a delivery of burgers and beer and truly I’ve never seen a group of grown men happier. One of them instigated a cheers, which he described as ‘Let’s just cheers to a boys’ day without the birds’, then Crossroads played and all of the ongoing conflict in Syria was halted for a respectful 3 minutes and 8 seconds.

Discussion Question: Was that an accurate depiction of a spa day?

One girl’s name is legitimately Tyne-Lexy

Two new girls arrive at the villa completely out of the blue, but more importantly, one of them is called Tyne-Lexy. That’s her name. That is on her passport. Tyne-Lexy. She has two first names, hyphenated, and that is Tyne-Lexy. Backwards? We’re talking Lexy-Tyne. Forwards? Tyne-Lexy. Again? Her name is Tyne-Lexy.

In her introductory piece to camera, TL tells us that she was once offered £20k to go on a date, but she turned him down. She was subsequently offered £40k and again turned him down because Tyne-Lexy’s time and affection simply cannot be bought. Personally, I’d let someone touch my arm for a Diet Coke but that’s besides the point. Our girl has standards.

Ironically, the cash prize for winning Love Island is £50,000 for the loved-up couple, so Tyne-Lexy could’ve just gone on two dates and she’d have £30k to spare, thus avoiding this spectacle and denying the world the important knowledge that such a fruitful name exists in the world. We’ve got this girl for a bargain and I hope to Christ we get our money’s worth.

Discussion Question: Would you name your child Tyne-Lexy or are you a massive bore?

Something weird and dramatic happened that I don’t quite understand but it was enjoyable to watch unfold

This girl (Amber) told the guy she’s seeing (Kem) that another guy (Chris) had said “I’m here”, which is just the most nondescript statement I’ve potentially ever heard. It’s basically like he’s walked up to her and said “Cheese on toast”, except without the evocative nature and salivating tastebuds at the mere mention of such a delightful treat.

Naturally for a spot of excitement, Kem confronts Chris and it transpires that he absolutely never said that to Amber and she is essentially full of shit. Kem informs her of this gripping development, who then backtracks saying it was ‘no big deal omg too much drama ur a big idiot’, at which point Chris is aware that he’s merely a pawn in their sadistic little Love Island game.

I had to watch this particular segment three times before I understood what had happened, meaning the average Love Island viewer is three times smarter than me, or also hadn’t a clue what the fuck was going on. Either way, people are deeply confusing and I will never truly comprehend the everyday actions of the human race.

Discussion Question: What does ‘I’m here’ mean, other than informing someone that you are there?

Main takeaway from Love Island: They all use the word ‘graft’ incorrectly and I fear for the societal implications

For some reason, one of the contestants has introduced the world ‘graft’ onto the island and by Christ are they running with it. From what I can gather, they use it in relation to each other. For example, if one of the contestants fancies the other, but that person seems to be attracted to someone else, the one bearing the fancy has to graft to become the object of their affection which currently lies elsewhere.

However, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines ‘graft’ as the following:

a:  to cause (a scion) to unite with a stock; also:  to unite (plants or scion and stock) to form a graft

b:  to propagate (a plant) by grafting

2a:  to join or unite as if by grafting

b:  to attach (a chemical unit) to a main molecular chain

3:  to implant (living tissue) surgically

4: work / labour

To summarise, not one of these explanations mentions intense flirting to trick someone into fancying you, which is essentially the entire purpose of this godforsaken show. Hence, they’re all idiots and it’s probably going to catch on. Already I can hear nightclub whisperings ‘You’re gonna have to graft for that one mate’.

Always keen on staying ahead of the curve, might I propose the term ‘Pulling a Steffi’, which alludes to grafting but in a less moronic way. It’s derived from the German tennis player Steffi Graf, whose surname is almost graft and also she worked really hard at being the best tennis player. Perhaps these contestants should all take up tennis and wait patiently for true love to fall upon them.

In conclusion, Love Island isn’t bad. It’s fun to watch and the contestants are all extremely brave to go on the show, thereby allowing themselves to be turned into memes and talking points for the duration of the series. Watch Love Island with the ones you love tonight. Let your brain take the night off and bask in the intricacies of dating in your early 20s when you’re offensively attractive.

Images via ITV