Bum bum bum bum (The Apprentice music)
It’s that time of year again where us, the ravenous pack of wolves that are the general public, are fed with the hopes and dreams of 16 aspiring business moguls. The Apprentice is back!
We have to wait until Wednesday 3rd October for the proceedings to get underway, but to keep our appetites whet in the meantime, we’ve been graced with the names and images of all 16 hopeful candidates.
This is truly Christmas for a content troll such as myself. The generous opportunity to body strangers based on how they look in one singular image under the guise of ‘work’ is not lost on me, I can assure you.
So, let’s figure out this year’s winner based on nothing more than their promo photographs.
16. Rick
Evidently a grumpy butcher from your local supermarket, Rick will be too busy trying to juggle his time between that and being an extra on The Bill to really focus during The Apprentice experience. He’s at a bit of a crossroads in his personal life at the moment, torn between his love of playing Fortnite with his 14-year-old nephew and wanting to settle down so that someone other than his Mum will cook chicken Kievs and spaghetti hoops for tea every night. Rick will leave the competition early because The Bill will offer him an important role (heavily sighing when he gets nicked, as opposed to his usual task of silently looking disappointed in himself). He’ll be sorely missed but opportunities like that need to be grabbed with both hands.
15. Jackie
Your old French teacher has quit her job and decided to really make something of herself by applying for The Apprentice this year. She was always firm at school, openly disapproving of students that dared disrespect the sanctity of the French language, as well as successfully suspending the student who discovered that she had a YouTube channel where she eats baguettes varying in thickness and quantities of yeast. Jackie, although outed as a savvy internet entrepreneur, continued making the videos until the principal saw them and asked her to stop. Hungry for revenge and also more baguettes, she quit teaching to pursue other interests. The Apprentice is simply PR for her awaiting ventures. Jackie doesn’t need to win.
14. David
A descendent of Cluedo’s Professor Plum, David has spent his entire life trying to live up to the respect and notoriety of his ancestors. David invented a brand new product last year called RazorPhone, a device that allows you to make calls and shave at the same time. Despite struggling to get the necessary funds together, he’s managed to get a prototype made and gotten some celebrity endorsements. When we contacted them, Sir Alex Ferguson described the RazorPhone as “What?” and Gene Hackman said “Was I in that movie?”. The Apprentice is sure to be a challenge for David, one that he’s going to fall short of the mark with. Not to worry, he’ll always have RazorPhone’s inevitable success to fall back on.
13. Tom
You might recognise Tom as that lad who plays on the local rugby team, because that’s precisely who he is. Tom also works in the estate agents in town and can often be seen outside pacing up and down the street chain smoking cigarettes and shouting “It’s all about creating synergy, Dean” down the phone. His cousin plays for the Lions, so Tom’s entire Instagram feed is devoted to the guy who refuses to acknowledge him as family after the stunt he pulled at nan’s 80th birthday party six years ago, which unfortunately we can’t get into here for legal reasons. Tom’s performance on The Apprentice will come to a head when he refuses to wear a chicken costume for one of the tasks because “there might be girls watching”.
12. Jasmine
That girl from your office who always makes eye contact when you leave the bathroom is on The Apprentice. Her desk isn’t even that close to the door, but for some reason her head always pops up right as you’re slipping out of the toilet. She gives you a knowing look, something to the effect of ‘I know you’re the one who’s been stealing toilet roll for your house’ or ‘Three times today, someone’s got an upset tummy’. You don’t even know her name, but Jasmine knows yours. She talks about you all the time, but you’ll never know what about. Jasmine will bow out of The Apprentice after an altercation with another contestant which ends in them both threatening to scalp the other as they sleep.
11. Alex
Your class rep from Uni is all grown up now and he’s hungry for a taste of that sweet, sweet Apprentice pie. Sure, he was insufferably smug throughout your time shared together, especially when his parents arrived on campus with a brand new car for him because the old one “had been sat on by a hobo”. Alex has matured now. He inherited a large sum of money when his great great grandfather passed away, meaning he could fund his lifelong ambition of owning a pair of Gucci fur-lined loafers and a hairstyle that makes him look like a contestant on Take Me Out. Alex is on The Apprentice for sport and to win the race he and his mate Hugo have to reach 2,000 Instagram followers first.
10. Camilla
Remember the woman who wouldn’t let you go ahead of her in the supermarket despite having two trolleys full of produce versus your three meagre items? Well she’s going to be on telly all winter to rub it into your grubby little moisture-deprived face (you were buying moisturiser at the time). She showed little mercy for you in that supermarket and will be adopting a similar attitude during The Apprentice. Camilla is going to be cut-throat with the other candidates, locking herself in the bathroom to prevent them from brushing their teeth before tasks, ordering taxis that don’t fit enough people, snitching to Lord Sugar, failing to wake the other contestants after answering the early morning wakeup call, using up all the milk, etc. She’ll be forcefully asked to leave before things descend into turmoil.
9. Kurran
Kurran won’t win The Apprentice because he’s too busy being a model slash DJ slash club promoter slash Wagamama Waiter of the Month – January 2017. When he’s not posing for Poundland shampoo or discount beard oil print advertisements, Kurran is playing Daft Punk via the aux cable on his iPhone 5S at the local senior centre for Betty’s Big 90th Bash. Stick your head into Waggers for a quick chicken katsu and Kurran will make sure everything runs smoothly for you, even writing the toilet door code on your napkin without you having to ask. He’s got ambition, but The Apprentice won’t sate his unquenchable thirst for success. Kurran wants it all – Wagamama Waiter of the Year, New Look catalogue modelling and a bigger pocket square.
8. Sarah
Your sister’s friend who never speaks is about to utter her first words and they’re likely to be “I’m not here to make friends. I’m like marmite – you’ll either love me or hate me”. Sarah speaks only in a whisper, but Lord Sugar is certain to listen because he’s actually quite concerned that he’s becoming deaf so eager to prove that he can still decipher the hushed-est of tones. Sarah has a secret weapon that she’s going to bring into the process. It’s her cleverly concealed neck tattoo, which is an exact replica of Claude Littner’s baby toe. This is sure to sway the judges, but unfortunately not in the right way. Sarah took the risk, but it’s unlikely to pay off on this occasion. They will escort her out of the shared house during the dead of the night to avoid a fuss.
7. Sarah
Hang on, this is literally the girl from number 8, except she’s tied up her hair and changed her dress. They’ve even got the same names! They’re both called Sarah! We are being lied to. Britain is a shambles, call off Brexit, get Ant back with Dec for I’m A Celeb, someone tell Coleen Nolan all is forgiven, resurrect Sir Terry Wogan, we need to right these wrongs. There is one girl playing the role of two contestants on The Apprentice. Rather than doubling her chances, she’s made life incredibly difficult as she will now have to do twice the amount of work and also be in two places at once. Most impressively, it will take Lord Sugar a good six weeks to figure out that they’re the same person, so that will be fun to watch.
6. Frank
Remember that time you sneezed at work and a giant loogie of snot went flying onto your computer screen? You wiped it away as quick as you could, certain that nobody saw the obscene act that your body had just committed against you. Well, Frank saw. He saw it and he thinks about it every day. How disgusting you looked. How insufficiently you wiped the screen, leaving loogie residue all over it. Frank thinks you’re a pig. He brought it up with management and they agree. Remember the all-staff email that went around a few weeks after about general hygiene rules in the workplace? That wasn’t a coincidence. Frank’s going to ruin you and he’s in it for the long game. The Apprentice is another one of his mind games. Stay woke.
5. Sabrina
“Welcome to Harrods. I can tell by your attire that you’ve clearly just nipped in here to use the loos and I’m the one appointed to let you know that your lifestyle choices physically disgust all of us here at Harrods. Your shoes are grubby, I can see sausage roll crumbs have fallen onto your jumper and your hair is offensively unkempt. Please leave quickly and quietly or I shall be forced to alert security. Maybe try McDonalds? Good day”. That’s Sabrina. That is both her personality and job, but her icy approach to muggles will earn her great clout among the other contestants. She’ll fall short of the final after an altercation with the caterers when she lashes out as they serve her cold soup, which she later transpires to be gazpacho. Perfectly seasoned too. Real shame to see it go cold(er).
4. Daniel
As the guy from Union J whose name you can’t remember, Daniel will be harassed by fans throughout his time on The Apprentice, posing for selfies and signing autographs for various screaming members of the public. He’ll persevere with the competition regardless, but between rehearsals, songwriting and scheduled nightclub appearances, Daniel will have to pay the ultimate price and sacrifice his place in The Apprentice for the betterment of his pop group. It will be a tough pill to swallow, but undoubtedly the right one as Union J continue to go from strength to strength. Give it five years and they’re going to be bigger than One Direction. And where will The Apprentice be? Probably still on telly, tbh.
3. Khadija
Hey look, it’s that girl who told your Mum where you were that time you pretended to run away. She saw you hiding in the bushes on the green in front of your house and ratted straight away. There wasn’t enough time for your parents to get worried and promise to buy you everything you ever wanted in a public appeal. Instead, you got dragged home in front of the entire neighbourhood, crying and screaming for justice. Khadija ruined everything, and now, so determined is Khadija to win The Apprentice this year, she has partially ripped her sleeves for aerodynamic purposes. This is a decisive move that is sure to intimidate her fellow contestants, while also preventing unsightly sweat patches which would show weakness to the others. She’ll in third place, but only because she wants to.
2. Sian
Remember that time your friend Greg took you to a house party that allegedly had an open invitation but it transpired that it actually didn’t? The girl at the door refused entry and you had to go home. That was Sian. She didn’t know you, nor did she like the general vibe you brought to the party. Also, the tinnies you had weren’t highbrow enough for her abode and truthfully, you knew that and accepted her firm but fair stance on the matter. Instead, you went home, ordered Chinese and watched Shutter Island. All in all, it was a pretty decent night. Leonardo DiCaprio put in a stellar performance, as did the often overlooked during awards season Mark Ruffalo. You fell asleep by 1am and had a decent night’s sleep, which you really needed. In a way, Sian did you a favour. She’s a tough cookie, but that’s going to work to her advantage. Plus, everyone likes Shutter Island.
1. Kayode
THE MAN HAS THREE HANDS! THREE HANDS KAYODE! There is a contestant on The Apprentice 2018 with three hands and he is going to win the competition because he is a superhuman species who will be able to type three times as fast as his fellow contestants. Look at the picture and count them up. 1,2,3. Three hands! People will complain that he’s got the upper hand, but they need to remember that he’s also got the lower and one in the middle as well. Kayode has three hands!
He’s going to win The Apprentice, Britain’s Got Talent, I’m A Celeb, Celebrity Big Brother, The Voice, The X Factor, Great British Bake Off, Family Fortunes, just everything. People will use him as a cultural reference point for years, saying things like “I like my men like I like my Apprentice winners – with three hands looool” and everyone will laugh at the swell times we all spent together watching a man with three hands snatch victory from his inferior competitors. What a time to be alive. High fifteen, Kayode. Congratulations, champ.
Images via BBC
