Lisbon 2018, here we… here we… here we fucken go.

The Eurovision Song Contest 2018 is just one week away, meaning it’s an exciting time for the entirety of Europe and also for some reason Australia.

But who will emerge triumphant at this year’s competition? Yer Da will gladly remind you that ‘it’s not even about quality music anymore, it’s all gone dead political with countries block voting for their mates. They should cancel the whole thing at this tage’.

Nobody knows the real criteria for winning, so let’s just pretend that the Eurovision winner’s victory relies entirely upon their press photo. The better the photograph, the stronger the chance they have of coming in first place.

With that in mind, here’s every 2018 Eurovision entry’s likelihood of success, based entirely on their promotional photograph.

43. Poland – Gromee

Walter White has returned from the dead and he’s just popped over to talk to you about the benefits of an Amish lifestyle. This man is not going to win Eurovision 2018 because he’s got a lot of stuff going on right now. European Skrillex is between jobs, but knows that his vegan deli slash cattery slash paracetamol dispensary will take off once he nails the social media strategy behind it. Gromme is using the Eurovision as a distraction from his failing enterprises, but also to gain some publicity with a view to making a quick buck off his newfound fanbase once the shop launches.

42. Armenia – Sevak Khanagyan

This is the most boring photograph I have ever seen, and I have been subjected to my parents’ holiday photos every summer for the last eight years. Sevak probably took this himself, or enlisted the help of a friend that has done precisely one mandatory semester of photography at college. What does the hazy smudge effect achieve? Why is it just his head and shoulder that is smudged, but not his hand or ear? Sevak will not be winning Eurovision 2018, nor will he make it through to the finals. He will return defeated to Armenia, where he does karaoke alone twice a week after the gym.

41. Latvia – Laura Rizzotto

Parking the promo photo for a second, we need to acknowledge that Laura Rizzotto is a name that you panic and make up on the spot when you’re making a fake reservation at an Italian restaurant. I don’t know why you’re making a fake reservation at an Italian restaurant, maybe someone dared you to. Anyway, Laura will not be winning the Eurovision this year because she is trapped inside an aorta, dreaming about a simpler time when she wasn’t sentenced to a life living within the largest artery in the body. One day she will find true love to break the curse.

40. Malta – Christabelle

Christabelle or ‘Christian Bale’ as we say in the UK, has been tormented by three dead hands her entire life. It’s a birth defect that she’s learned to live with, applying a smokey highlighter to accentuate rather than trying to mute them. She’s embraced her uniqueness and the Eurovision audience are sure to support her, but they cannot have three dead hands upon the face of their winner. It’s too much. The bearded lady was a huge step forward for equality, but close-minded voters draw the line at dead hands. “No, that’s simply not right”, they will say.

39. Montenegro – Vanja Radovanović

Accomplished magician and illusionist Vanja is set to take on his greatest transformation yet as he performs at the Eurovision Song Contest. Rather than wasting time with new headshots, he’s found some old magic show posters and cropped out the text. He’s spending the time saved on perfecting his dance routine, which isn’t as tight as it could be given his now impressive 98 years of age. Vanja won’t win the competition because a minor technical fault will result in his microphone cutting out midway through the performance. He’ll yell a series of expletives right as it starts working again.

38. San Marino – Jessika

Jessika’s passport photograph reveals a lot about her attitude towards the competition. Although she’s determined to win, Jessika hasn’t given it her all. She’s missed a few rehearsal days, been out  on a bender the night before vocal lessons and was once overheard describing the Eurovision as “a load of shite to be honest”. Many consider her to be the bad girl of Eurovision 2018 and rightfully so. Her fiery temper will inhibit her chances of success, as will her song which is complete garbage (I have not heard her song yet). She will flip tables when she loses, as expected.

37. The Netherlands – Waylon

Billy Ray ‘Much to think about‘ Cyrus superfan Waylon feels music in ways you can’t even comprehend. When you put on a record and listen to it together, sure, you’re both hearing the same thing, but Waylon is actually feeling the music coursing through his little country veins. He wears cowboy boots all year long, despite living in The Netherlands and never having stayed outside a major city in his life. Waylon doesn’t want to win the Eurovision, he’s just there to prove a point that real music still exists. He doesn’t care what you think. Piss off.

36. Hungary – AWS

Five Lads You See At Every Festival have their sights set on greatness, but unfortunately their musical limitations are going to hold them back. Their promo photo is perfectly representative of their main problem – they are all the exact same person, but with very different style. Also, the main guy never ties his shoes and it will cause a major hazard when they’re performing. They’ve stood from left to right in order of who’s happiest and therein lies the issue, three of these boys are sad, verging on angry. Eurovision is meant to be a happy place. It will never work.

35. Belgium – Sennek

Sennek is the most boring person alive, as her Eurovision promo photo proves. At school, she was the girl that never spoke, but always had a really nice packed lunch with her. The rumours going around hinted that she wasn’t allowed to speak because of religious reasons, and was rewarded with delicious sandwiches in exchange for her eternal silence. She blossomed once she reached university, finding her voice in the form of singing. In the same way that Gareth Gates’ stutter goes away when he sings, Sennek’s inability to speak goes away when she belts out a tune.

34. Denmark – Rasmussen

We get it, you vape! Rasmussen’s house has been raided five times in the last six months because his neighbours reported a strange shrieking sound coming from his basement. Despite his insistence that it was nothing, police uncovered that he had been breeding city foxes. Legally, they couldn’t press charges as fox breeding isn’t against the law in Denmark, but they ordered him to install soundproof walls to muffles the ecstatic screams of the climaxing foxes. Rasmussen refused and is now involved in ongoing legal proceedings. Anyway, Eurovision is his destiny but he’s still not going to win.

33. Croatia – Franka

Croatian Kevin McCallister had just discovered that she was left home alone at the time of this photograph being taken. Rather than fearing for her life due to those notorious Wet Bandits, she was ecstatic. ‘An entire week home alone, just me and my obnoxiously large rings, this is heaven’, she thought to herself. Franka will give the Eurovision her all, but it won’t be enough due to her weak vocals and even weaker attitude towards music. She listened to one Liberty X CD and decided that music couldn’t be too difficult to make. Turns out she was dead right.

32. Spain – Amaia y Alfred

Fucking Alfred, you always take things too far. Amaia nailed it, she looks excited but professional. Alfred looks like he’s just learned that Mum’s cooked lasagne and chips for dinner AND there’s a double bill of Malcolm In The Middle on tonight as well. They took this photograph themselves, as Amaia’s arm is out of frame hitting the shutter button like a weather forecaster does with the slideshow remote. She nailed the look despite doing two things at once. All Alfred had to do was offer up a cheeky and excitable smile. He’s fucked it. They don’t deserve to win Eurovision. Get out of my sight.

31. Estonia – Elina Nechayeva

This photograph is a personal attack and I will not condone it. Elina has posed using the exact arm movement I produce approximately four minutes into being dragged onto the dance floor of a nightclub when it becomes abundantly clear that I do not know how to dance. Elina is taunting me. She knew that I would write this piece making fun of Eurovision entrants and their innocuous promo photographs. She’s given me a taste of my own medicine. Elina is a snake. I am getting her removed from the competition immediately because bullying should never triumph.

30. Greece – Yianna Terzi

I don’t want to be too hard on Yianna, partly because I’ve just gotten a right old bodying from Estonia, but also because she’s gone for it, she’s tried something different. When you look at the above image, however, it doesn’t suggest Eurovision 2018 winner, it looks more like an advertisement for a comfortable sports bra. It’s a good photograph, it’s just quite out of place in a song contest. She’s going to do well in the competition, but I don’t foresee victory in this particular event. Maybe a demanding triathlon could be on the cards after the Eurovision finishes up?

29. Austria – Cesár Sampson

Cesár killed two birds with the one stone by using his ASOS model application photograph for his Eurovision entry image as well. He was originally wearing a turtleneck but fashioned a round neck jumper using just a scissors and his very large muscles to give the photographer some variety. His hands represent the exact formation you adopt when you see someone skipping the queue to get into a toilet cubicle while clutching their anus. Cesár won’t win Eurovision 2018 but he will absolutely get selected as an ASOS model in the next six months, so every cloud.

28. Russia – Julia Samoylova

Julia is using the exact pose every girl does into the mirror after applying foundation to check if she has blended correctly or left an unsightly gap around her jawline. It’s unclear as to why she decided to then use this image as her Eurovision promotional photograph, but perhaps she is making a statement. Julia looks like every female Hollyoaks character combined, which therefore means that she cannot possibly win the competition this year. People will call it a fix, stating ‘You cannot be on Hollyoaks and win Eurovision, that’s unfair’. Sorry Jules.

27. France – Madame Monsieur

That’s right, you eyes don’t deceive you. France, one of the most powerful nations in the world, has not submitted a promotional photograph for their 2018 Eurovision act. Instead, they’ve entered a shoddy screengrab of them performing. Now, there’s pros and cons to this stunt they’ve pulled. On the positive side, it shows the act doing precisely what they’re here to do – sing, but on the other hand it makes them seem lazy and not hugely invested in the competition. I’m on the fence. They definitely don’t deserve to win, but this bold statement is refreshing.

26. Ukraine – Melovin

Teenage Gob from Arrested Development is here and he wants to talk to you about the importance of contact lens hygiene. He doesn’t care if you accidentally fell asleep with your contact lenses in, he needs you to understand that that’s how you get an infection and will have to wear your hideous glasses for several days as a result. Also, he’s performing at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest in Lisbon and would love your vote. His piercing left eye is trying to hypnotise you into submission, but it’s not working. Just play along, it’ll get rid of him quicker.

25. Italy – Ermal Meta e Fabrizio Moro

The Libertines are all grown up and have now adopted a plant-based vegan lifestyle. They’re determined to convince you that they’re still as fun as they used to be, having swapped ketamine for kale and bottles of Stella for matcha soy lattes. Your friendly neighbourhood former goths are giving the whole music thing one last shot, just to prove that they can. They’re taking it all very seriously and will absolutely fucking lose it when their guaranteed 12 points from France end up going to Germany. Fury never tasted so nutritional and beneficial for your heart.

24. Slovenia – Lea Sirk

Lea, what have you done? That is not a friendly and inviting smirk, that is the smirk of someone that has done something bad and cannot wait for people to find out about it. Did you shred some important documents and fashion them into a jumper? Purposely spill a bottle of Gaviscon onto your hair for attention? WHAT IS IT? Lea is up to something, or else she’s trying to distract us from her Eurovision entry. Something is afoot here, I can smell it. I refuse to feel uneasy at this time. What are her hands doing? This is nonsense and I don’t like it.

23. Romania – The Humans

Right. Mumford & Sons & Daughters, is it? Excellent. This photograph somehow defies the impossible and makes it look like all six people included have just met each other for the first time. The white theme for the band but blue for the lead singer is ballsy yet incredibly boring at the same time. If you told me that none of these people gave a shit about Eurovision, I would believe you. Why have two of the band members raised their arms like our Lord and Saviour upon the cross? Why does the man on the left have an uneven smidge of facial hair on his chin? They’re not winning.

22. Cyprus – Eleni Foureira

Eleni, save this bullshit ‘looking down at nothing’ pose for Instagram please. This is the Eurovision Song Contest, an institution that’s been running since 1956. It’s seen countless winners shot to stardom and brought great excitement to Europe (and for some reason Australia) every year since it began. What I am saying is that Eurovision deserves better than your bullshit, Eleni. You’re about to represent your country in front of 180 million people and you’re going to offer up a photograph of yourself looking like a fashion blogger with 345 Instagram followers? Ffs.

21. Azerbaijan – Aisel

I’m going to forecast a romance between Aisel and Austria’s Cesár (#29) because they’ve both taken the same approach and used their ASOS model application photos for their Eurovision promo photographs. Aisel probably styled herself in green to make her fellow competitors insanely jealous of her ability to model and presumably sing. What does this image convey? A future European (and for some reason Australia) singing champion? Or a girl that wants to give out bulk sale discount codes to her 1,788 Twitter followers? She’s not winning this year. No.

20. Czech Republic – Mikolas Josef

Oh look, it’s the dork from the latest gripping American high school Netflix production where he transforms into a total stud thanks to the help of an estranged uncle that comes into town to stay with them for a month. He’s been in love with Lydia, the head cheerleader, since they went to preschool together, but will he build up the courage to ask her out now that he’s upgraded himself into a handsome young rapscallion? You’ll have to tune in to find out. (Sorry, this child is absolutely not winning the Eurovision this year. I forbid it).

19. Lithuania – Ieva Zasimauskaitė

This is a very decent impression of a dog’s reaction to you saying a word that rhymes with ‘walk’, but not a great Eurovision entry promotional photograph. Ieva doesn’t look like a determined winner here, she looks more concerned with looking good. I get it, having your photo taken is quite an uncomfortable experience for most, but she’s enjoying it. Ieva is looking forward to being on telly in front of the entirety of Europe (and for some reason Australia), but she craves fame more that musical adoration. I don’t see the crown resting on her locks.

18. United Kingdom – SuRie

In the interest of remaining impartial, I must regard the United Kingdom’s promotional photograph as harshly as I have done all of the others. The issue here is that while SuRie looks great, there’s a smell of University prospectus booklet off this particular style of image. SuRie looks like she’s just completed a three year Bachelor’s degree in Communications and she can’t wait to tell you how insightful it was into the world of communicating. Simply contact the student union and you can get in touch with SuRie with any questions you may have.

17. Switzerland – ZiBBZ

No, this is not a stock photo being used to highlight the dangers of not wearing suncream during the summer months, it is Switzerland’s legitimate press photo for the Eurovision. These two hip and happening kids aren’t taking a moment out of their joyous time watching some DJ you’ve never heard of scratching records using pots and pans in the middle of a field, they are doing their best to convince you that they can and will win the Eurovision Song Contest 2018 with this shit photo. Unfortunately, they won’t win, but they might get free tickets to Latitude this year.

16. Serbia – Sanja Ilić & Balkanika

This is not a Eurovision entry, this is the cast of a gritty science fiction thriller set in the near future which determines what happens when goths are forced to enter the workplace after a nuclear bomb has killed off all other subcultures but them. I’m looking at this bizarre mishmash of people and I cannot decipher what type of music they’re going to produce together. Is it punk rock? Is it jazz? Is it EDM? They look determined to win, but the guy on the far left is a softie, you can see it in his eyes. Look, it’s not a bad photograph, there are far worse in this list.

15. Sweden – Benjamin Ingrosso

Benjamin are you in the process of falling over, pet? Are you playing the air harp with your right hand? Are you posing in an ad for the wide range of pastel coloured clothing now available at The Gap? This isn’t a Eurovision promotional photograph, this is a fashion shoot. The t-shirt is far too crisp, the shirt is expertly styled to look casual, his hair is perfectly tousled. If he can sing as well as he models, Benjamin might be in for a decent placement on the winners’ table. I appreciate the artsy nature of this photograph, it just seems misguided. I don’t care to comment any further at this time.

14. Australia – Jessica Mauboy

What’s so funny, Jessica? The fact that Australia is still somehow pulling the wool over our eyes and remaining as a competitor in the Eurovision? To be fair, that’s actually quite funny. Look, nobody knows why Australia is still in the Eurovision and at this point it’s just easier not to ask. Taking nothing but the promotional photograph into account, Australia will not win. They haven’t pushed the boat out in any way, it’s a very standard image. It’s well lit, Jessica is smiling and she’s nailed the perfect angle to show off her neck and shoulder muscles. Decent effort.

13. Albania – Eugent Bushpepa

This moody bartender doesn’t have time for your bullshit. Either pick a cocktail from the menu or move away from the bar because you’re blocking paying customers that actually know what they want to order. He didn’t grow up and dream of becoming a bartender, he’s got ambition. This is just a stepping stone while he tries to get his primary school band back together. Greg’s finishing a Masters soon so should be freed up and Simon’s always knocking about when his Mrs allows it. Just order a drink and fuck off, he doesn’t have time for your bullshit today.

12. Bulgaria – Equinox

Sia has joined Linkin Park and you’re not even ready for the straight fire that they’re about to drop. There’s something hypnotic about this image, you can’t fit it all into your eyes in one look, it demands a methodical scan from right to left, then back again. Who are these people? Which one is the badass that’s going to get kicked out of the band after the Eurovision because he/she went a little too hard at the afterparty and called one of the hosts ‘a nice piece, for a Portugese plonker’? They won’t win, but they’re going to inspire dozens of shit memes on the night.

11. Moldova – DoReDoS

Guess who’s just done a 5k paint run and can’t wait to tell you all about it on every single one of their social media profiles? It’s these guys! Look, we get it, you’re young, fun and full of comeuppance for anyone that dares disrespect your innovative promo photo. It’s nice, it’s different and it’s quirky. Also, the group’s name is DoReDoS which I will absolutely be pronouncing as ‘Doritos’ from now on. Mad props to them for spelling it with alternating capital letters in a blatant nod to that sarcastic SpongeBob meme that did the rounds about a year ago. Legends.

10. Portugal – Cláudia Pascoal

There’s a heavy Instagram filter involved here and I dig it. Cláudia is serving a solid smize with very little expression outside her eyes, while her pal in the background is left blurred and very much just there to make things look less awkward. Out of all of the images we’ve seen so far, this one seems the most achievable to recreate yourself at home. There’s no props, no fancy lighting fixtures and no outrageous outfits. It’s simplistic and overall a very chill photograph. However, the home nation cannot possibly win Eurovision 2018, not on my Fitbit.

9. Georgia – Ethno-Jazz Band Iriao

Eastern European Westlife are channelling their inner superstars in this photograph and that deserves to be commended. Every single one of these gentlemen fully believe that they are undiscovered international superstars and have posed their faces accordingly. Their audacity is staggering. They all have day jobs, one is probably a teacher, another a pharmacist, but here they are looking like Bon Jovi beside an oil rig. That kind of blind determination is dangerous. These men mean business. We are merely pawns in their sadistic game.

8. Germany – Michael Schulte

That exchange student who joined your class for a year then disappeared into obscurity is back and he’s grown out his hair and attempted some facial hair but still hasn’t quite got the necessary hormones to produce a decent beard. Anyway, he’s now singing on behalf of the German people and you better curse your past self for deciding to steer clear of his lunacy after seeing him trying to buy weed off a substitute teacher and getting expelled for a week as a result. He’s thinking about his mistakes in this photograph. He feels feelings, just like you and I. Perhaps even more so.

7. Ireland – Ryan O’ Shaughnessy

This is in black and white because it’s a mood, okay. Maybe you don’t get photography, but Ryan does. He also knows the importance of playing an actual chord when you’re photographed with a guitar, rather than just feebly resting your fingers close enough to a G chord. He’s been caught in a totally candid moment here, jamming on the music box as he composes a song. If this was a video, it would start with an impressive lick, then a startled ‘Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there’. Ryan won’t win, but he won’t mind. He still has a deep love of black and white photography to fall back on.

6. Norway – Alexander Rybak

Hello, I am a sweet little Norwegian boy calling to your front door wondering if you could spare just €200 a month to put me through violin lessons. My family cannot afford to encourage my passion for stringed instruments, but agree that I have a real flair for the thing. I know it’s a lot to ask, but you’d be supporting a child in following his dreams, not letting his family’s financial circumstances to get in the way. I understand if you can’t, but I just thought I’d ask. Sorry, I’ll go. Have a good evening, I hope you live a long a worthwhile life. Farewell. Forever.

5. Finland – Saara Aalto

This is an extremely extra promo photo and that deserves quite a bit of commendation. It’s the type of pose you’d expect to see Liza Minelli sarcastically offering up for paparazzi as she’s about to jump into an Uber with a takeaway under her arm at 4am. That’s a ballsy effort from Saara, but it’s clear where her ego has come from. She was on The X Factor, so this competition is nothing but a friendly sparring match for her. She’s tasted fame, flirted with superstardom and was then brought right back down to earth by losing out to Matt Terry, a solid household name to this very day, in the live final. This is all just a bit of fun for Saara.

4. Belarus – Alekseev

If you showed me this photograph and said ‘This is Shawn Mendes’, I would wholeheartedly accept this to be an ironclad fact as I have no idea what Shawn Mendes looks like and this seems to be a perfect fit for that name. What a dapper young man with perfectly tousled hair, snow white teeth and a snug fitting shirt and jacket combination. His eyes are hypnotic. I’ve tried to vote for him six times already even though the lines aren’t open yet. What he potentially lacks in vocal ability, he more than makes up for in the confidence department. This boy is a star, or someone’s cousin I was introduced to once. Not sure.

3. F.Y.R. Macedonia – Eye Cue

Look, I had to put a group in the top five because it felt unfair to omit them due to their unfair disadvantage of there being more than one person providing a solid amount of cringe. Out of all of the Eurovision 2018 group photographs, F.Y.R. Macedonia have come out on top. They look cool, they’ve coordinated their outfits and their mixed expressions balance each other out. The guy isn’t taking it too seriously, but the girl is out for blood. Between them, they’ve got more determination than a horny rabbit with a balloon. I’m fully buying into their hype. Are they The Ting Tings? Who cares. Vote for them so the girl doesn’t have to be physically restrained from clawing your ears clean off.

2. Israel – Netta

Israeli Björk isn’t here to fuck around. She’s not here for your Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour jokes that you’re concocting right at this very moment, either. She’s here to take a goddamn boss photograph and then get on with trying to win the Eurovision. Her pink eyeshadow is the precise colour that your blood will be when you die from witnessing her incredible performance on the night. Her hint of a smirk is aimed at you because she thinks you’re pathetic. Get out of Netta’s sight, she’s busy and doesn’t have time for your nonsense anymore. Go away.

1. Iceland – Ari Ólafsson

Every member of The Vamps has morphed into one to produce this year’s Eurovision winner. He’s absolutely nailed the promotional photograph which serves as a clear indicator that he’s going to glide to victory next week. Ari’s got no bullshit about him, no props, no complex lighting fixtures, he’s just giving a big hearty smile into the camera. That’s the kind of photograph you get from a nightclub photographer while everyone in the picture ensures that their Bacardi Breezer is on display so members of the club’s Facebook page can quickly identify who the biggest legend is.

Ari is a tiny child who’s giving Eurovision a go because he fancies a bit of excitement in his life and it’s a crime to keep his infectious smile hidden away any longer. Can he sing? It doesn’t fucking matter, he looks like he politely greets old people as he passes them in the street to reassure them that he’s one of the good youths, not those pesky youths that go around smoking rollie cigarettes and spitting on the ground. Congratulations Ari, premature victory is deservedly yours, you photogenic son of a bitch!

All images via Eurovision