Should’ve called it ‘Calum Best Is On Telly Again’, tbh.
I woke up this morning and I felt different. I went about my daily routine as normal, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something important was happening in the world, behind my back.
I overheard some people in the street talking about a show called ‘Celebs Go Dating’. Must be a programme about celebrities going dating, I thought to myself.
Upon arriving into work, I discovered that it was indeed a show based on our beloved celebrities going on a series of dates. Immaculate.
I fired up the Windows ’95 and picked an episode to watch the events unfold. Unexpectedly, a series of deeply troubling things happened during the course of the show that I need to talk about.
Reader discretion is advised.
1. James Argent revealed that he was looking for “an absolute rocket, oi oi”
As the show’s introduction suitably acquainted us with these celebrities whom were about to go dating, we met a gentleman by the name of James Argent. Argent is the French for money, so his name is literally James Money. Anyways, his piece to camera involved him informing the nation that he, James Money, was looking for “an absolute rocket”, which he then followed up with an “oi oi” and that snapping hand movement thing that is exclusively reserved for absolute lads.
If James is looking for a rocket, absolute or otherwise, might I suggest that he visits the Model Rocket Shop, a delightful online hub for all your rocketry needs. James could walk away with something as pristine as the Andromeda Cluster Four, with a machined 4mm motor holder that secures the motor with a stainless steel screw that fits snugly into the body tube. Mr. Money needn’t waste his time on this show, unless he happens to get paired up with Beyoncé, who reportedly has shares in the Houston Rockets basketball team. Oi oi indeed.
2. A girl (that is legitimately named Toff) asked if she’d need her passport to travel from London to Wales
Her real name is Georgia Toffolo and at an educated guess, I believe her to be 13-years-old. She went to the Celebrity Dating Agency and was informed of the date they had lined up for her. In an unprecedented turn of events more gripping than a toddler to the side of a shopping trolley, the news emerged that Toff would be heading to Wales to meet her next potential suitor. She was horrified and immediately recalled the last time she was in Wales, when she got “savage food poisoning and chundered everywhere”. Not sure if she intended the Gap Yah reference, but I respected it nevertheless.
At this point, the meeting with the agency seemed to be wrapping up, so Toff got in a final line of inquiry, which involved asking (out loud, in a serious tone) if she would need her passport to travel to Wales. From London. The above reactions spoke volumes. Toff’s looking for love, but I also believe that she might be looking for a role in Are You Smarter Than A Seemingly 13-Year-Old. In which case, we all are. It’s in the United Kingdom, Toffee.
3. Calum Best proved that he has never said no to anything and probably never will
If anyone is looking to do a flawless impression of Calum Best, just say “Yes”, because if Calum Best appears in one more celebrity reality television series, he will get a free coffee. I’m not complaining, he’s actually a very charming guy and seems like he’d be a substantial amount of fun on a night out. But we, as a nation, need to address the fact that he is potentially denying other celebrities from having their heyday. Sooty and Sweep never get a look in and it’s wholly because of this handsome man.
We’re at a stage where the nation would comfortably descend into turmoil if a brand new reality television series emerged and Calum Best wasn’t involved in any capacity. People would be running into the streets causing riots and refusing to pay their TV licences. The Prime Minister would have to step in and force Mr. Best to take part for fear of mass unrest. If he refused, Calum would be banished to another country where they are more tolerant of professional teases. We’d never hear from him again.
4. One of the guys in the agency was on WhatsApp THE WHOLE TIME
They met with a total of three celebrity singletons and the guy from the agency wasn’t without his laptop for a heartbeat. The average viewer would’ve assumed that he was employing the use of it for research purposes, perhaps even for some email correspondence, but I am here to provide the truth. Although blurred, you can clearly see that this work shy gentleman is on WhatsApp Web. He’s mid conversation, he isn’t paying attention to Calum Best’s feelings at all.
Calum has bravely appeared on a reality television series, an action drastically out of his comfort zone, and he’s being met with diverted attention spans. This man should be utterly ashamed of himself. He did the exact same thing during their meetings with James and Toff. He couldn’t give a fiddler’s about these clients. He’s too busy organising the logistics of getting a couch moved out of his apartment (I have excellent eyesight). Celebs Go Dating is a shambles. I shall boycott it (immediately after this episode ends because I need to see if anyone finds true love).
5. Arg took a girl out on a paddle boat, then proceeded to break the paddle boat and they had to be rescued
It seemed like a wonderfully romantic idea. Arg brought his lady out on a paddle boat for their second date. From what I can gather, their first encounter didn’t go too swimmingly. They appeared to go for a curry and Arg lost the run of himself by ordering approximately everything on the menu. It’s completely understandable behaviour, but perhaps best kept reserved for a few weeks into the relationship rather than their very first meeting.
This time, Arg took the gentlemanly role of paddling the boat. But as we all know, with great power comes an even greater potential for fuck ups. And fuck up, he did. Arg was so strenuously operating the oars that he somehow managed to dislodge the mental prop in which one of the paddles rested. A man in extremely high waders then proceeded to rescue them, embarrassingly revealing that the lake in which they were drowning was in fact four feet deep. James Argent isn’t going to find love until he finds himself, I’ve concluded.
6. Toff’s date winked and then stuck his tongue out at her roughly twelve seconds after they’d met
After making her way through the stringent passport control in Wales, Toff arrived at the scene of her date, a dingy little hipster pub in definitely Wales. Her date provided a welcoming hug and kiss, then took a quick moment to have a look at her arse. Much to his disappointment, Toff noticed the unnatural body posture which he adopted in an effort to see her rear end, and immediately called him out on it. Masterfully, he assured her he was looking at all of her as she turned around to sit down, not just her arse.
As they both got seated after that brief discomfort, they locked eyes across the high table. Toff’s date then winked at her, followed by a quick flash of the tongue. It beggars belief how she didn’t immediately fall to her knees and accept his fruits at that exact moment in time. Such a romantic gesture is rarely greeted with anything other than undying adoration and a willingness to do anything the exhibitor desires. Strangely, Toff brushed it off, nicknamed him Winky and then continued the date. They’re both sociopaths, that’s the only logical explanation.
7. It transpired that Calum had already tried it on with his date TEN YEARS PREVIOUSLY
Honestly the highlight of the episode came at the very end, and I sincerely thank the producers for this nugget of televisual gold. Calum’s date announced that she had “a funny story”, but both I and Calum knew that this story wasn’t going to be funny, not one single solitary bit. It transpired that Calum and his date had met ten years prior to this, in a nightclub in Edinburgh. She was innocently going about her business when one of Calum’s bouncers pulled her aside and asked her to head out the back door.
Calum was waiting outside, obviously, and his date described the whole thing as being “a bit arrogant”. Her issue was that he didn’t speak to her in person, he had to get help. To be fair, she has a point, but perhaps he was preoccupied taking a phone call about an upcoming reality television appearance. Calum was deeply mortified, so went to the bathroom for a quick cry, returned to finish his drink and then left, thereby signalling that her “funny story” was indeed deeply unfunny. I contacted Calum for a response in relation to this episode, but his bouncer told me to meet him outside, at which point he told me to fuck off. Fair.
Images via Channel 4
