Diss track, dat track, they are all tracks.
Today, I will be subjecting myself to the ever-growing phenomenon that is a YouTube diss track.
This particular track that I’m going to watch, made by a gentleman named Jake Paul, is called ‘It’s Everyday Bro’ and currently has over 102 million views.
*sighs heavily* Right, without further ado, let’s get into it.
1. Fashion appears to have taken a turn and it’s unclear whether we will ever come back from this
Even though I’m still not quite sure what a diss video is, I’d like to think that I personally would put in a pretty decent effort if I was filming one. It’s a combination of being brought up to dress moderately well if you know there’s going to be cameras around, as well as just wanting to put the best version of myself on the internet. Admittedly my fashion sense is questionable at best, but I’d still give it a rollicking good go. Perhaps a new pair of jeans and a nice top, as is the bare minimum for fashion these days.
However, these young children have defied all of my preconceived notions of what constitutes as dressing up. They are wearing tracksuits, t-shirts and jumpers of varying lengths. Nobody is concerned about looking a little scruffy, as that appears to be their intended style. If anything, I’m jealous of these people. I haven’t got the bravery within to wear a tracksuit for my music video which will surely take place in the near future. I’d likely wimp out and wear a full ballgown. Fashion is subjective, which is maybe the whole point of diss tracks? We may never truly know.
2. Standing near expensive cars makes you seem cooler
For an uncomfortable amount of this diss track, our main disser (Jake) is standing beside a big fancy car with very 2017 doors. His friends are also hunched around a big orange van, again being the epitome of cool. The constitution of being cool is a far cry from what it used to be. In 2017, it’s not cool to have a Tamagotchi or parents that let you eat sweets whenever you want. What’s important now, I’ve learned, is wearing a tracksuit for a formal occasion and also standing near expensive cars.
By this standard, X to the Z Xzibit is officially the coolest man alive. He’s been filmed next to hundreds of expensive cars that his team has pimped out, he usually wears a t-shirt and jeans and if push came to shove, he could probably scrape together a pretty fire diss track in a couple of hours. If you want to be cool in 2017, all you need to do is become Xzibit. Change your name to Xzibit, act like Xzibit, pimp cars like Xzibit, tell people they’ve ‘officially been pimped’ like Xzibit. Follow your dreams.
3. You can successfully shoehorn the fact that you have a tattoo into any situation
A minimal amount of research has shown me that Jake and his friend pictured above both got matching tattoos as a result of a rousing game of tattoo roulette. Instantly, the realisation of how chillingly cool these kids are took me aback. Luckily, I managed to gather myself enough to complete this article because not all heroes wear capes. The two gentlemen seen posing are demonstrating that they have got tattoos of guns. Personally, I think a tattoo of a gun on their upper arms, often referred to as guns, would’ve been a lot funnier, but I am garbage after all.
My point is this: If you’ve been brave and or tough enough to get a tattoo at some stage in your life and it’s positioned in a place that isn’t always visible, you’re going to want to have it showing at every opportunity. If that means dropping trow and getting your bum cheeks out, so be it. You didn’t sit through several hours of pain to have a private emblem reserved for your eyes only. You got that inking for attention and you’re sure as shit going to reap the benefits of your decision.
4. You should always keep going in life, even if you’ve ripped your pants
As evidenced above, Jake has exerted himself so much during the process of this diss track that he has actually ripped a hole in his good tracksuit bottoms. His companion to the left has also ripped his jeans several times, but there’s, unfortunately, no way to know if that was an intentional act or not. Perhaps the presence of two very fancy and expensive cars was there to distract us all from Jake’s shortcomings in the clothing department, in which case they very nearly achieved that purpose.
However, an eagle-eyed diss track viewer such as myself has spotted this discrepancy and is now going to use it as a life lesson. Folks, sometimes the odds will be stacked against you. Your pants will rip (both literally and metaphorically) and you won’t know which way to turn. The easiest option would be to give up and wallow in self-pity, but that’s not what this diss track is about. Jake Paul is showing us that you should persevere, regardless of your holy pants. The world is your oyster, nothing can hold you back.
5. The acceptable ratio of girls to guys is now 1:12
In this entire diss video, there was only one girl that got a significant amount of screen time. She popped in with a quick rap at one point about various challenges facing the feminist community regarding being tolerated and listened to or something along those lines, but then it was back to the Big Boys Club like a flash. I’m no expert on diss tracks, but I feel like the whole point is to make yourself seem as cool as possible. Having a friend base that is 90% male isn’t cool, it’s boring.
Maybe that’s where we’ve all been going wrong. You need to surround yourself with twelve mates of your own gender, then one of the opposite sex at all times. That is the key to being a successful disser. If you’re going to diss someone and you’ve got a 50/50 split of male and female friends, my pal, you’re not going to be very successful in your endeavours. You want to make it look like you and your squadron are all fighting for the affection of this one person. In succeeding with this task, you are in turn, succeeding in life.
6. Grabbing your crotch is back in fashion again
You’d be forgiven for thinking that grabbing your crotch went out with having frosted tips and saying ‘WHASAAAAAAAAAAAH’, but a recent turn of events has proven that it has not. Thanks to the YouTube community’s latest fascination with diss tracks, we are now all living safe in the knowledge that grabbing your crotch in a public space is an entirely fine thing to do again. You don’t even need to be singing a poorly constructed rhyme to get away with it, you can simply be standing idle.
The possibilities are endless with this newfound quirk. Want to convey irritation with a particular situation? Grab your crotch. Want to make nearby people feel uncomfortable? Grab your crotch. Not sure if your genitals are still there? Grab your Goddamn crotch, son. 2017 is hereby know as The Year Of Grabbing Your Crotch. It will henceforth be regarded as such in history books and all notable publications. Go forth and be the grabbed crotch you wish to see in the world. Namaste.
Images via YouTube
