Episode 3.
Things were totally happening in a far-out way last night on GBBO, pushing us all a tiny bit closer to the mindset that there is life after our fallen Mel, Sue and Mary Berry *respectfully pours one out*.
Noel Fielding finally succumbed to the palatable disposition of becoming a primetime television presenter, a load of nutritious rabbit poop appeared in some dough and among other noteworthy events, Prue revealed herself to be a mastermind of innuendo.
Here’s some things you might’ve missed last night.
1. Prue revealed herself to be an absolute dirtbirdÂ
Paul was carefully taking us through the intricacies involved in baking a Cottage Loaf, at which point he revealed that the best way to bond the whole thing together is to stick your finger right down the middle, thereby making “both the balls quite tight”.
Prue, in what could well be the most salacious line of the series (amongst some stiff competition), asked Paul, “Do you flour your finger?” and at that point the entire nation erupted into an immature snigger that potentially caused another hurricane in the United States due to some Butterfly Effect bullshit. Henceforth, 12th September 2017 will forevermore be known as The Day Prue Leith Revealed Herself To Be A Dirtbird.
2. Debbie McGee was at Julia’s wedding
During last night’s GBBO, we were informed that Julia likes to bake for her husband of three years, Matt, at which point we were shown a gratuitous shot of one of their wedding photographs. It was an endearing image, seeing the pair with their nearest and dearest on what was sure to be the happiest day of their precious little lives, a memory to treasu- HANG ON A SECOND IS THAT DEBBIE MCGEE?!
I’ve taken the liberty of deciding that yes, that is absolutely Debbie McGee, who has attended Julia and her husband’s wedding. The image is a bit grainy, but I know a Debbie McGee when I see one. Lest anyone need reminding, Debbie McGee was the wife of the late and great magician Paul Daniels, as well as being his assistant. It’s likely that she has picked up some magic tricks throughout the years and has relayed them to Julia. I’ve hence come to the logical conclusion that if Julia wins GBBO, it is due to magic and she is a cheat.
3. The soul finally left Noel Fielding’s body
It took three weeks longer than any of us expected, but on the night of Tuesday 12th September 2017 at approximately 8.01pm, the soul finally escaped Noel Fielding’s body. It happened during a black and white montage of Noel wheeling a bicycle filled with bread through the field beside the bake off tent, dressed as a poverty-stricken little baker boy with fantastic cheekbone structure. Classic.
You’re forgiven for failing to notice this blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, as it happened very quickly and subtly. As evidenced in the image above, the area to the right of the screen appears more blurred than the rest. This is undeniable proof that Noel’s soul has just escaped his host body and is returning to a more suitable recipient. Perhaps Barry Scott or a Jedward.
4. A rabbit snuck into the tent and pooped all over Kate’s dough
Nobody really mentioned it at the time because everyone just assumed they were raisins, but I, a trained rabbit poop identifier, knew straight away that those weren’t dried grapes. The varying shape, dark colour and playful scattering can only be attributed to our furry little friends and personally, I’m not one bit outraged by it.
Rabbit poop is incredibly nutritious. Rabbits will regularly eat their own poop, because it’s so rich in nutrients which would otherwise be lost if they don’t reingest it. Evidently, the rabbit that trespassed in the GBBO tent is a sweetheart, who took it upon him/herself to keep these bakers and judges’ energy levels up by giving them a quick nutrient boost. It’s the most selfless act we’re likely to see this series.
5. Hurrah! Gavin and Stacey found some work after their show finished up
It took three weeks for me to figure out where I recognised Mel and Sue’s replacements from, but last night, everything finally fell into place. It’s Gavin Shipman and Stacey West aka Gavin and Stacey, from the hit TV series Gavin & Stacey. They’d been relatively unheard of since the show ended in 2010, but clearly they were taking some time out to plot their next move, which they’ve nailed.
They’re ageing beautifully, both barely looking a day older than when we last saw them on our screens. Gavin’s let his hair grow and it really suits him, while Stacey’s gotten the chop and is absolutely rocking it. They’ve changed their accents a bit, probably because they thought they’d be presenting GBBO on the BBC, but you can still tell it’s them. If Smithy and Nessa don’t show up by the end of the series, please join me in cancelling your TV licence.
6.  We were generously given a multitude of camera angles on the ‘definitely not a penis’ that Julia made
I’d very much like to take this opportunity to thank the camera people, producers, directors and editors of GBBO for what took place last night. They had the good presence of mind to give the public precisely what we yearn for when we tune in every godforsaken week: something that looks like a penis. Not only did Julia make a penis, she had the audacity to suggest that it was a snail.
Spade a spade, that is a penis and once you accept that, you can truly learn to live a life full of joy, contentment and inner peace. Lest anyone was on the fence about the identity of this foreign object, we were treated to a multitude of generous camera angles seen above for informative purposes. If anything, the two little eyes on the penis head give it a bit more charm. But no, definitely a snail.
Images via Channel 4
