Day 33
Love Island, am I right?
Last night’s episode was a whirlwind from start to finish. There were highs, there were lows, there were subtle background objects that you might not have noticed.
We’re now just over halfway through the series and it’s important that we all check in with each other and make sure that we’re still having fun.
Is this series good? Are the contestants banter? Will Ellie Belly find love? Is Anton’s bottom hair experiencing regrowth? Are we wasting the summer away by committing to being home by 9pm each night? Should Love Island end after this series because it’s kind of tinged with sadness now anyway?
Please answer the above questions in no fewer than 800 words at your nearest convenience and hand them to the invigilator.
Anyway, here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island.
1. After the striptease challenge, one of the benches was soaking wet????
Here at JOE.co.uk we’re all about producing high quality content, avoiding typical laddish pitfalls and generally striving to use this platform for the greater good. But sometimes, on a very rare occasion, we must indulge the smut. On last night’s Love Island, we saw the aftermath of the previous night’s striptease challenge. There was a lot of giddiness in the villa as the contestants set each others’ hearts racing using little more than their bodies, some very tight costumes and a smidge of grinding. That is what happened, those are the facts. BUT THEN SOMEONE LEFT A BIG WET PATCH ON THE FIRE PIT COUCH AFTERWARDS AND IT IS NOT CAMERA TRICKERY, SOMEONE GOT OVER EXCITED LIKE A GIDDY LITTLE PUPPY AND HAS HAD A WEE ON THE COUCH.
2. Someone got a delivery of a fragile package AND FOR ONCE IT WASN’T CURTIS!!!!!
(…because Amy was quite fragile in her final days lol). While the islanders were having their nightly strict allocation of precisely one drink each, a package became apparent on the kitchen countertop. ‘Fragile – This way up’ it said, which indicates that the contents are to be handled with care. So what’s inside the mystery package? More importantly, who was it sent in for? I’m going to hazard a guess and say that it was a brand new shipment of quirky hats for Ovie. Some are made from delicate material and require the utmost care when being transported. Either that, or Ellie Belly had some peanuts sent in. Or perhaps Maura ordered a new man. Or maybe Callum has snuck back in. Or Lucie ordered a shell necklace but it arrived too late. Or it’s just cheese.
3. Chris wolfed his breakfast (of meringue?) down in a matter of milliseconds and it was frightening
Chris sits down on the deckchair with a plate full of what appears to be Eton Mess. He’s chatting to Francesca about the impact of astrophysics on cosmology forecasts, quantifying the effects of the astrophysics on the recovery of the cosmological parameters and such like, when the camera cuts away to Francesca’s input. When we return to Chris, precisely 4 seconds later, his entire plate of food is gone. This man eats at breakneck speed. He doesn’t chew, he merely slithers the grub down his gullet and swallows it whole. He is going to get indigestion, but a man with that kind of haircut cares not for the threat of gastroesophageal reflux disease. He is a rogue renegade who simply cannot be tamed. Behold, the messiah is here. We are not worthy.
4. Anton swam very fast, presumably because of his hairless buttcheeks
Embarrassing to admit that it took quite a while to figure out who exactly was in the swimming pool because everyone pretty much looks the same in the villa. After much investigating, the closest match is Anton, who appeared to be doing a few leisurely lengths of the pool complete with goggles and a very impressive breathing technique. Anton is probably a very fast swimmer because of his hairless body. His bald cheeks presumably glide through the water like a dolphin coming into shore for a pre-agreed photo opportunity. We contacted Michael Phelps to ask if hairless buttcheeks result in faster swimming, but he declined to give a response (yet). We’ll keep you updated as this story develops.
5. Ovie kicked his leg higher than all laws of physics and science permit
In case you needed reminding, Ovie is 6ft 7in tall. That is the same height as a tree, depending on the size of a tree. During last night’s task, the boys had to down a pint of non-alcoholic beer (so basically water), then wear vision-obstructing goggles and score a goal. Unfortunately for Ovie, he missed the ball but kicked higher than man has ever done before. All laws of physics have been defied with this kick. Albert Einsten is cancelled. Isaac Newton is livid. Marie Curie is still very much dead, but wouldn’t be happy with Ovie’s actions. Stephen Hawking probably would’ve been impressed by Ovie, but then played it down because he wanted to uphold his reputation as a very chill dude.
6. Blazin’ Squad briefly reformed and now they’re edgier than ever
Do you get it? Because all the boys lined up and they looked remarkably like a boyband but the only boyband I could think of with more than five people was Blazin’ Squad and also it ties in nicely with the show because Marcel from series 3 used to namedrop the band roughly every 5-7 minutes. Big ups new guy Chris who just very clearly said “No, absolutely not” to the wacky dress code during last night’s party slash re-coupling ceremony. Chap looks like a holiday rep who’s been allowed to let loose on his final night before he returns home to live in his Mum’s spare room and demand lavish items on the shopping list such as cans of Monster Energy, Cheestrings and wet wipes because he doesn’t like the sensation of regular loo roll. Do you, fam.
Images via ITV
