Day 43
Big old night in the Love Island villa, wasn’t it?
If your definition of a big old night involves a lot of sitting around, a heap of eggs being cooked in a variety of different ways, some arguments, questionable eyewear and a guaranteed minimum of one person crying at all times.
Still, not long to go now. By this time next week it’ll all be over. Our islanders will be free to do as many nightclub appearances as their precious little immune systems will allow.
For now, all we can do is point out their shortcomings as reality TV stars, same as always.
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island.
1. Chris had a quick pick of his nose while everyone bid a tearful farewell to Michael and Francesca
For some reason we were subjected to the footage of Michael and Francesca leaving yet again at the start of last night’s show, possibly so that we could all notice an important detail in the background. Chris, still relatively new in the villa, had a quick pick of his nose while everyone was distracted by their grief. He saw a good opportunity and decided to shoot his shot, we simply have to respect the hustle. It must be really hard for the islanders to get a quick moment alone to pick their noses given that they’re surrounded by people and cameras at all times. They deserve a quiet room reserved solely for nose-picking. Perhaps next year the villa will incorporate this reasonable request. Let the islanders pick their noses. They deserve it.
2. Chris went to bed in one of Ovie’s durags so he could have a better chance of being Ovie in his dreams
During last night’s show, we saw Chris going to bed in one of Ovie’s durags. The reasoning behind his decision wasn’t initially made clear, but it’s safe to assume that he wanted to be just like King Ovie. Chris probably dreamt that he was Ovie, doing some slam dunks, winning the hearts of the nation with his cheesy dance moves and wooing India. When Chris grows up, he hopes to be just like Ovie. It has to start somewhere, and for young Chris Taylor, a 28-year-old business development manager from Leicester, that starts here and now. Also he looks a fair bit like Prison Mike (from The Office), so if he fails at becoming Ovie, he can always settle for a life as the branch manager of a small paper supply company. Win-win, really.
3. We learned that Ovie stores his hat in the freezer because HE IS A GENIUS
The man’s talents know no end. Last night, we learned that Ovie stores one of his many hats in the freezer for a refreshing treat when he puts it on. This is what we’re dealing with. This is the level of genius that is hiding in that godforsaken villa. “Keeps my head cool”, he said in a nonchalant way. India was in disbelief at the level of intelligence she was witnessing. Having a freezer hat is the kind of tip you see on those Buzzfeed videos where they tell you how to keep cool during the summer heatwaves. It’s littered with common sense tidbits such as drinking plenty of water, wearing light clothes and then out of nowhere they drop the freezer hat suggestion and your whole world opens up in an instant. Also, that mouldy cake is still in the fridge.
4. Maura’s facial review of Ovie’s eggs was spectacular
Look at that face. That’s the face you make when you’re at a fancy restaurant and you spot the dessert tray being wheeled around before you’ve even ordered. You’re eyeing up everything, deciding your dessert preferences as well as everyone else’s at the table. Then you fill up on the starter. The fish cakes were much bigger than you expected. Main course comes and it’s essentially one third of a cow sitting on the plate. You work your way through it despite your body sending blatant signals that it’s full. Then the dessert menu is dropped over. You can’t. You’re stuffed. If you eat one more bite of anything, you’re going to blow chunks all over the fancy tableware. The waiter looks expectantly in your direction. You cave. “One tiramisu, please”.
5. Chris made a very poor quality bread dough penis
Chris, mate. If you’re going to be a big legend during your Love Island bread making date, at least do it right. While on a romantic excursion with Harley, Chris decided to make a penis with his bread dough. But it was a poor one. The structure just wasn’t there, nor was the dedication and time required when you’re going to be a big bloody legend and make a bread penis. Harley appeared to convince him to subsequently turn the offending item into a love heart, which was nice, but also indicative of their future together. You must never let anyone dull your sparkle, Chris. If your heart desires to make a bread penis, you must follow that urge. But do it properly. Add some pubes, maybe a few veins. Don’t half ass it, Chris. Never half ass a bread penis. Ever.
6. Ovie did a Naruto run over to the challenge area because he is the gift that will never stop giving
Just when it seemed as though Ovie Soko had levelled off and reached peak cool, he went and did a goddamn Naruto run during last night’s Love Island and now we have to recalibrate our barometers once more. On their way to the latest nonsense challenge, the islanders did their usual running in slow motion montage, acting excited about the prospect of getting to leave the confines of their prison for a little while. But Ovie went harder than most because he is quite simply a national treasure at this point. He did a Naruto run (inspired by the Japanese anime series called Naruto) and got to the designated seating area in record time. Ovie gets it. He just fucking gets it. Crown him the sole winner of Love Island 2019 and be done with it.
Images via ITV
