If you play FIFA, we’ve got you covered.
FIFA 16 goes on general release today and will take over the lives of a large proportion of British gamers from pretty much now until Christmas.
FIFA, and indeed football video games, have been around for so long at this stage that the people who play them can easily be divided into a variety of categories depending on their style of play, their mood and certain habits they have developed over time.
The list could easily have been a lot longer than it is, but we reckon that you or your friends fall into at least one if not many of the 16 categories below, or you’re about to in the very near future.
The one-team man
The three strikes randomly-generated policy is generally regarded as the fairest one when picking teams, but you can be sure there’ll be someone who won’t change their favourites come hell or high water.
They’ve been playing a 3-5-2 formation with Borussia Dortmund for years and they’re not going to stop now; if their opponent is randomly stuck with Macclesfield Town against them then tough sh*t.
The stubborn Pro Evo man
Once a fiercely-contested rivalry, it’s now widely accepted that FIFA is just a better game than Pro Evolution Soccer (formerly International Superstar Soccer).
Some die-hard fans will stay with Pro Evo ’til they die, steadfastly ignoring the better graphics and gameplay on the dark side while trying to guide Merseyside Red to the Premier League title.
Through ball Tommy
This guy has one tactic and one tactic only – patiently waiting for an opportunity to press the triangle button (Y on Xbox) to split the opposition defense for an all-too-rare one-on-one opportunity.
It’s a dangerous tactic with Barcelona in fairness.
Goals don’t win games, stats do
You’ve just lost to your mate 5-0, but you’re convinced it was an unfair result because you had eight shots to his six and dominated the game with 59% possession.
But you didn’t win.
The gloater
There is such a thing as a good winner, but the term is alien to this dude. Safe to say you’re going to be hearing about this defeat for a long time.
The try to score directly from kick-off merchant
Everyone is guilty of this when they concede a particularly sickening goal late in the game, but some chancers will try it at the very first whistle.
You’ll rarely succeed with it these days, but it proved effective occasionally in FIFA 94 – a game in which the referee also hilariously chased runaway offenders around the pitch.
The needless showboater
The Neymar of FIFA players, they’ll take the ball to the corner flag and tap on the L1, R1, L2 and R2 buttons continuously, furiously stepping over the ball over and over again, purely for the purpose of goading their opponent.
The only man to deal with this guy is…
The hacker
Until football video games were invented, most of us didn’t actually know that matches are abandoned if more than four players were sent off.
When you’re getting hammered by a mate and they’re taking the p*ss, it can be hard not to lash out with a sliding tackle or ten. Unless of course, you decide on a more physical manifestation of your rage…
The controller-smasher
As well as making loads of money on the games themselves, the Sonys and Microsofts of this world have made a tidy profit over the years from replacement controllers thanks to people like this…
The annoyingly-obsessed-with-tactics guy
We’ve all played against a mate who, when all you want to do is press ‘quick start’ and get on with it, obsesses for ages over who’s going to play in the trequartista role and implementing a high offensive press up the pitch.
When it all works, it’s like…
Then, when said tactics inevitably don’t work, he does the same thing at half-time and then pauses the game in the dying seconds to switch to all-out attack in an effort to save his hide.
The guy who abandons the game when it suits him
You’ve spent three weeks trying to guide Liverpool to the Premier League title and you’ve saved the game just before a winner-takes all battle with Manchester United in the final game of the season.
3-0 down with five minutes to go, are you really just going to accept second place and try and win it again the next year?
Of course not. Reset.
The finesse finisher
No blasting the ball for this fella, it’s R1 and Circle (RB and B on the Xbox) every time. Judging by every one of his goals for Manchester United so far, Anthony Martial is a fan.
The guy who constantly pauses the game to use his phone
Wars have been started for lesser offences than this. If it happens to you, you have our permission to throw your opponent’s phone out the window as a punishment. Harsh but fair.
The guy who hides his controller when taking penalties
Let’s face it, this is every FIFA player everywhere.
https://twitter.com/BBCSporf/status/608248840882425856
The backseat FIFA player
A dubious injury to his index finger years ago means this guy will never actually play a game of FIFA, but he’ll happily watch and tell you everything you’re doing wrong throughout.
The inventor of ridiculous forfeit apologies
Lose to this guy at your peril, because not only will you have to pen an embarrassing apology on Facebook, you’ll also have to make his dinner for a month and refer to him as ‘The FIFA King’ whenever he enters the room.
https://twitter.com/FifaApologies/status/437577438390796290
