Day 4
Hard to believe we’re nearing the end of our first week of Love Island 2019 after what feels like a solid month of watching these horny young adults’ every waking moment.
Last night’s show turned out to be a very sneaky affair after the teaser suggested that the new girl would be entering the villa and shaking things up like an overtired toddler with a point to prove. Instead, we waited for a bus to come that was never going to arrive.
Only the final few seconds of the show saw the match being struck, but we have to wait until tonight’s instalment to see what actually happened in that rancid little hot tub.
When you’ve finished cancelling your TV licence, here’s a recap of what you might’ve missed last night.
1. A brand new area was introduced to the Love Island set and now our lives can finally achieve true inner peace
2019 will forever be known as The Year That They Added A Little Snug Area To The Love Island Villa and deservedly so. Last night’s show debuted the snug, which appears to consist of some padded seats with a padded backboard and some IKEA LCD lighting strips. What gripping adventures can we expect to happen in this new space? Perhaps someone will choose that exact spot to towel off in after a dip in the pool, maybe Joe will go there to have a quick cry about Lucie, or perhaps Yewande can visit there as a safe space to let viewers at home know that despite getting no airtime whatsoever, she’s still actually in the villa and relatively okay. The possibilities, they are truly endless. We wait with bated breath.
2. It took Lucie so long to eat a banana and apple that they both started to turn brown
Parking the fact that tag-teaming an apple and a banana at the same time is truly disgusting, we need to talk about how long it took Lucie to eat both. A banana should take no longer than two minutes to eat, from start to finish. Opening the banana is a different matter entirely and can take anywhere from thirty seconds to seven weeks. Apples take a little longer to eat because they’re bigger and you can employ a systematic approach which elongates the process. So to eat both intermittently is foolish. Lucie took so long to eat them that they started to deteriorate in quality, with the banana browning and the apple looking rather fed up with the situation. The girl is a menace to society and needs locking up, frankly.
3. Callum spent most of the episode looking like he was the villa’s incognito bouncer
As some absolute genius on Twitter pointed out, it appeared as though Simon Cowell had snuck into the Love Island villa with a view to finding Britain’s next top singing sensation and perhaps a novelty act in the form of Michael being a mime. But upon closer inspection, it transpired that this enigma was indeed Callum, who for some reason decided to dress like an incognito bodyguard for the evening’s activities. Bono wears sunglasses all the time because he has glaucoma, but as far as a quick Google search can confirm, Callum does not suffer from the same condition. The only reasonable explanation for his look is that Callum is eyeing up a career in security when he leaves the villa. We wish him the best of luck with this honourable endeavour.
4. Anton told Anna she had ‘a good set of eyes’ as he stared lovingly at his own torso in her reflective sunglasses
Fortunate to be Anton’s latest temporary object of affection, Anna entertained his declaration of love while looking like RoboCop on his summer holidays. Anton gushed about his fondness for ‘a good set of eyes’ as he gazed at his shredded but also very greasy torso in the reflection of Anna’s sunglasses. Perhaps this is the main source of his infatuation, which will only become clear if he insists on her wearing the glasses at all times. Imagine the pair having a snuggle in the dead of night. Anton’s hand reaches out from under the covers, fumbling around on the bedside locker, eventually locating the sunglasses. He places them on her ‘good set of eyes’ and proceeds to make sweet and tender love to himself.
5. Yewande dressed as a green screen because she wants some goddamn airtime, or at the very least to be turned into a viral meme
Yewande is an intelligent girl, she’s a scientist and most importantly, she is Irish. She deserves to get airtime just as much, if not more, than everyone else in that godforsaken villa. Things have turned into the Tommy, Joe and Lucie show and while that was slightly entertaining for a time, it is now on par with The Big Bang Theory in terms of entertainment value. Yewande knows, just like the rest of us, that the best way to get ahead in life is to become immortalised as a meme. So she put on her finest portable green screen blouse and allowed nature to take its course. Yewande is now a meme, and a very decent one at that. Create your own green screen Yewande meme today. If the Love Island producers won’t honour her, we simply must do it ourselves.
6. Callum did a full on Lord of the Dance jump when Tommy found out he was going on a hot tub date
Nobody was more excited for Tommy’s date that young Callum, a man who decided to finish his security shift early to celebrate his mate’s good fortune. Excitement burst through the villa when it was revealed that Tommy would be going on presumably his first ever hot tub date, something that logistically could never happen in the UK, with squeals of delight erupting all around the fire pit. But it was unexpectedly Callum who went full Michael Flatley in Lord of the Dance on proceedings, jumping what appears to be at least three foot into the air, letting loose after a long day of guarding the premises. If he keeps this up, not only will he secure more Love Island airtime, he might even snag a place on the next series of Strictly as well. Imagine how high Callum will jump when he finally gets a date (outer stratosphere, prolly).
Images via ITV
