Day 15.
Holy moly were we treated to a spectacle during last night’s Celebrity Big Brother.
All 5′ 2″ of Wayne Sleep went to the kitchen on a booze run and manage to stuff TEN cans in places most people didn’t even know existed.
He proved his worth as a vital CBB contestant through his apparent superpower of transporting copious amounts of alcohol on his body, much to the delight of his housemates.
Here’s six things we learned from last night’s gripping episode.
1. Wayne Sleep carried more alcohol than is physically possible
The boys were boozing in the bathroom (which is a hotspot for late night drinking on this year’s CBB for some reason), when Wayne asked if anyone needed a drink from the kitchen. He was instructed to “bring as much as you can carry” and the boys scoffed about how he would probably bring back two cans because he has tiny hands. Wayne triumphantly returned with ten cans and a bottle of wine on his person. There was a rapturous welcome as he burst through the door with enough booze to feed a family of four. He may be small, but his thirst for pleasing others is as big as can be. Wayne Sleep is the CBB hero we both want and deserve.
2. Ginuwine accidentally revealed that he is a creep
Ashley and Elgin Lumpkin have been engaging in the initial stages of a ‘showmance’ for the past couple of days, but things really kicked up a notch last night. Elgin, for reasons we may never truly understand, decided to point towards Ashley’s genitals and repeatedly say “Tonight’s the night”. Understandably baffled, Ashely required further explanation, which mostly consisted of “She’s finally going to give in”. Somehow, Elgin Lumpkin failed to realise how rapey the whole thing sounded, and has henceforth established himself as a massive creep. Showmance flirting in 2018 is a wild ride.
3. Hell hath no fury like a Rachel Johnson without her melanzane parmigiana and pasta alla norma
Rachel was positively livid when she heard that the boys had failed to order parmesan on the shopping list. She burst out of the pantry demanding an explanation and threatened bloody murder over the whole affair. In fairness, she was absolutely right to explode. Such rudimentary groceries as the boys provided will make no addition to a melanzane parmigiana and pasta alla norma, two dishes whose main components simply demand for parmesan. She’s been mugged off. This is a ploy. The housemates don’t want good food, they want *stifles vomit* cheddar cheese. That house is a prison sentence. Rachel won’t last another week.
4. Jess informed us that she once went to an orangutan sanctuary, and therefore knew that the word began with an ‘O’
In last night’s task, the housemates had to convince Andrew and Jess to give the wrong spellings of words in a bid to prove that they are the most gullible. Luckily, neither took much persuasion as they are both abysmal at spelling. When the girls’ team successfully convinced Jess that the above image was the correct spelling of ‘orangutan’, she professed that she knew it definitely began with an ‘O’ because she’d once been to an orangutan sanctuary. If that’s the only piece of trivia that she took away from the excursion, this is a very tragic state of affairs. Maybe on her next visit, she’ll learn that there isn’t a ‘H’ in ‘orangutan’.
5. In learning that she had won the task, Jess proclaimed that she would ‘Celebrate idiocracy’
A quick dose of logic will inform you that ‘idiocracy’ isn’t actually a word. It was a film in 2006 that starred Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph, which was a satirical science fiction comedy. By all accounts, it was a massive flop, with 20th Century Fox being accused of abandoning the film by not screening it for any critics. Unless Jess was making an incredibly niche and well-thought-out joke, it’s likely that in celebrating her stupidity, she has accidentally invented a word to demonstrate her stupidity. My head hurts.
6. Ann Widdicombe thinks that Big Brother is ‘a complete brute’
The girls’ reward for winning the task consisted of a G&T party. Ann wanted to invite the boys to join them, but Big Brother wouldn’t allow it. Ann was positively perturbed by this news and informed Big Brother that he was a brute. Big Brother accepted the insult with great enthusiasm, but that wasn’t enough for young Widdicombe. She wanted to make sure that Big Brother had taken note “double underlined and in italic”, which Big Brother assured her that it had furthermore been put in red. Basically, Ann Widdicombe’s feelings are so important that they need to be documented with the utmost of attention. Got it? Good.
Images via Channel 5
