Clothes – the skin you choose!
Ever receive an invite to something and have to immediately Google the terminology used to describe the dress code? Cool, same.
The fact of the matter is that any event which specifies what kind of clothes you must wear is absolute trash, no exceptions. It is condescending anti-banter.
At the end of the day, once you’ve outgrown the age of three, you no longer are allowed to be told what to wear. Not by parents, family members, health and safety officials, loved ones and certainly not the invitees of any event.
Nevertheless, the world is yet to catch on to the newfound phenomenon of logic and basic human decency, so we must begrudgingly persevere until such time as that happens.
Educate yourself with this handy go-to guide on what the bullshit world of dress code terminology actually means.
Black / White Tie
In this instance, you must dress solely in a black or white tie. The location of the tie is entirely up to you unless specified on the invitation. Most choose to protect their private areas, but it’s 2019 and everyone knows what genitals looks like by now, so don’t be afraid to experiment. If the black or indeed white tie doesn’t end up around your head by the end of the night, you’ve done something wrong along the way. Get out there and shake what the Lord herself gave you. Be free!
Black Tie Optional
Similar to the description outlined above, except with this particular trend you can forego the tie altogether if you so wish. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: When the word ‘optional’ is used, you should always disregard it because why do anything unless you absolutely have to? Basically, turn up to the gala in your birthday suit and when anyone questions it, loudly proclaim “Well the invitation did say optional”. The security guards will be too busy laughing at your very literal understanding of the English language, they’ll forget to throw you out. Result!
Semiformal
Easily one of the most exciting dress codes, semiformal is completely open to your interpretation. For example, some people consider fedoras to be formal, while others see them ripe for stuffing directly into the bin, never to be seen again. Semiformal carefully treads the line between fancy and chill. I recommend wearing one of those t-shirts that’s printed t0 look like it’s a shirt and tie. They’re fun, comfortable and a guaranteed talking point at any party. You’ll get that promotion in no time once your boss sees you dressed like an absolute banter merchant.
Festive Attire
The word that springs to mind here is Christmas. So you’re going to want to think of your favourite aspect of Christmas, then replicate that with your body and clothes. For me, it’s got to be the dinner, and I can’t be alone. I recommend using an off-white for your base colour, ideally a velcro suit, then gather together a selection of your favourite Christmas treats and stick them to the suit. You’ll be the talk of the board meeting for years to come as people marvel at your ingenuity while you snack on items by loudly peeling them off your torso. Don’t forget the gravy!
Business Formal
For this absolute peach of a clothing restriction, you must simply replicate the exact attire of your favourite business studies teacher, be it from school, college, university or TV. Slacks, chinos, skirts, shirts, blouses, cardigans, knitted jumpers, whatever they wore, it’s down to you to source as close a match as possible. Don’t be afraid to add your own personal flair, maybe put a jazzy little pin on the lanyard or pull a funny face in the photo for the ID card. Just remember to keep things formal by wearing a monocle and top hat. Nailed it.
Business Casual
Quite similar to the above description, except you’re going to want to dress like your business studies teacher would on a school tour. They probably wore jeans, a fleece jumper, possibly a pair of Sketchers, heck, a baseball cap might even be on the cards. Basically you’re going to emulate his/her style to the best of your ability, while still remembering that you are a member of faculty. Nothing too out there, just a sensible outfit that suggests you’re not exactly here to party, but if push ever came to shove, you could probably have 1 (one) Jägerbomb at an absolute maximum.
Dressy Casual
Regardless of gender, you’re going to be wearing a dress to this event. But a casual one, so you may fashion it out of whatever raw materials you see fit. See what you’re feeling on the day. Perhaps a bedsheet will suffice, or you could put a smidge of preparation into it and make an entire dress out of interwoven chewing gum wrappers. Whatever form your efforts take, be sure to keep it casual. Carry your belongings in a plastic bag, wear flip flops and smoke lots of cigarettes. Also, bring a hip flask tucked into your underwear and casually insult the bride’s dress.
Casual
Buddy, anything goes. Please hear me when I say it: ANYTHING goes. Tracksuit, shorts, singlet, gilet, swimming togs, nothing at all, pyjamas, assless chaps, the possibilities are infinite. You do you. Feeling a little giddy on the day in question? Get a loved one to apply neon purple body paint over ever square inch of your soft shitty body, leaving no area untouched. Get that old Oscar Pistorius Halloween costume down from the attic and get yourself to the job interview on time. Destiny is yours, now go out there and grab it, champ.
