Sun’s out guns out!
After a cold and bitter winter, things are finally starting to give way. The temperature has gotten precisely five degrees warmer!
As with anything wholesome and good, it’s inevitable that people are going to ruin it for all of us. People with their dumb expressions of delight, people with their dumb fashion choices and people with their dumber than dumb social media updates.
Brace yourselves, because as Girls Aloud once said, it’s going to be a long hot summer and people are the absolute worst.
Here’s 21 things you’ll be hearing over the coming days.
1. Sun’s out, guns out.
2. I don’t need suntan lotion, I never get sunburnt… *gets severely sunburnt*
3. I’m having ice cream for lunch, ice cream for breakfast and ice cream for dinner simply because I can.
4. Work should be cancelled when it’s this nice outside, this is inhumane.
5. Two words: Beer. Garden.
6. I’ve been sitting in the sun for twenty minutes, how am I not tanned yet?
7. If this keeps up, we won’t even need to go on holidays! We’ve got all we need right here in our Great Britain.
8. We should get a swimming pool installed in the garden.
9. The dog isn’t built for this weather. He’s going to melt away and I’m not having PETA knocking at the door blaming me.
10. What’s a good caption for this incredibly creative and innovate photo I’ve just taken of the car temperature display screen?
11. LET’S! GO! TO! THE! BEACH! BEACH! LET’S! GO! GET! A! WAVE!
12. Are those flying ants back? Fuck.
13. You could fry an egg on my arse cheeks, honestly.
14. It’s too humid. I can’t breathe. I’m sticking my head in the freezer for an hour.
15. I love global warming, long may it continue!
16. I’ve been sweating consistently for six days. This has to stop.
17. This heatwave came because we had such a cold winter, it’s all relative. Also, I’m the most boring person alive.
18. That ice cream truck is making a killing today. Well not from us, I’ve got Twisters in the freezer from last year.
19. There’ll be no sleeping in this heat *opens fifth tinnie of the evening*
20. If it gets two degrees warmer, I’m quitting on the spot. They can’t expect us to work in this heat. It’s illegal.
21. Ok that’s enough. The grass is dying, my freckle count is into the thousands, we need some rain now. Show’s over, folks.
