Finally, the real issues of our time are being tackled.
Pinocchio, for those that are uneducated swines, is a fictional character created by a lonely woodcarver named Geppetto. Whether Geppetto’s intentions were honourable when he created this puppet or not, we will truly never know.
The USP of Pinocchio is that when he lies, his little wooden nose extends. This was surely an endearing quality during a time when people used to fling their toilet business out the window onto the street below, but in 2018, it faces a number of challenges.
If Pinocchio can overcome the following seven obstacles, he may truly prosper in the year of our Lord 2018.
What would Pinocchio’s cool 2018 nickname be?
In 2018, everyone who’s anyone has some form of a nickname. Whether it’s a quirky representation of someone’s personality (e.g. a man that likes eggs will obviously be known as Eggsy / Chicken Period Lover), or simply a play on their name, it’s of the utmost importance that Pinocchio has a shorter means of identification other than his obscenely lengthy birth name, clocking in at a staggering four syllables.
Logically, Pinocchio’s friends would call him Pino, like the wine, right? ‘Aww little Pino reading The Beano with our boy Deano’, etc. But what if his friends are arseholes? What if they push trolleys into the canal for sport? You’re looking at something as crude as Nose Boner, Horny Sniffer or even Hooter Flute. We’d very quickly learn that Pinocchio’s body might be made from wood, but his tears are made from sadness, just like yours and mine.
What would the trolls say about Pinocchio?
In 2018, Pinocchio would be a massive celebrity. He’s got a pretty unique skill that millions of people the world over would envy. He’d go on tour, have his own TV series whereby contestants ask him scathing questions to which he must respond truthfully or his nose will elongate, he’d release a single called ‘Nose Growin’ For Hoes Blowin” and would probably have an OBE by now. But what about the downside?
Nobody is immune to the hurtful words of internet trolls. His Twitter mentions would be rife with unsavoury comments regarding his lengthy appendage. ‘Lie to me Daddy’ would be the new ‘Choke me Daddy’, and the sneering scum of the Earth would still find their way in. Pinocchio’s relationship with Geppetto would be called into question regularly, with the word ‘nonce’ being thrown around like confetti at a wedding. He’d need to develop a thick skin on his wooden little prepubescent body.
Would the concept of a glory hole confuse him?
Urban Dictionary defines a glory hole as ‘a hole located in a partition in which one’s penis is inserted, thus separating the participants and ensuring anonymity throughout the act of copulation or fellatio’. But how does Pinocchio define it? Obviously we don’t fucking know, he is a fictional character. Let’s take his innocent nature into account for a moment. Pinocchio was a good boy, albeit a fake one. His erecting nose helped him to do the right thing, but what about the temptation of the wrong thing?
Let’s set the scene: Pinocchio’s in a public bathroom taking a cute little wooden dump. Suddenly, he notices a sizeable hole carved out of the wall beside him. Does he ignore it? Does he fuck, Geppetto raised him right. Pinocchio lines himself up, then tests the waters by telling a straightforward lie, such as “I am not a virgin”. With that, his nose enters the glory hole and subsequently another dimension through time and space. That’s right, unbeknownst to him, Pinocchio just penetrated a well-known astronaut with his nose. Surprise!
Would viagra affect Pinocchio’s nose?
The modern man isn’t afraid to admit that he needs a little help in that department sometimes, and neither is Pinocchio. He’s older now, his wooden bones are becoming brittle, it’s taking him a bit longer to get out of bed in the mornings, he farts without warning and even finds himself actively listening to talk radio. Basically, my boy Pino is extremely taking viagra.
But what effect is this having on the rest of his body, namely, his schnoz? Perhaps telling a lie isn’t spurring the same reaction as before, maybe there’s a creaking noise as his nose extends? Well, with the addition of a tiny blue pill to his daily routine, Pinocchio is achieving stronger and longer nose erections than ever before. He feels young again, full of energy and with more gusto than a randy preteen who’s just Googled ‘boobs’ for the first time.
Does he do weird sex stuff online in a bid to stay relevant?
When you’re one of the most famous people in the world since ancient times, it’s likely that the struggle to remain relevant weighs heavily upon you. Where can someone with a gift as unique as Pinocchio’s turn? To the multimillion dollar porn industry, obviously. Pinocchio always knew that this day, along with himself several times, would come.
Scenes involving his extendable nose would garner worldwide attention, with video views reaching numbers in excess of anything they’ve ever seen in the porn world before. Adult movies such as ‘I’m A Real Boy Now’, ‘Pinocchio Nose Best’ and ‘Hot Busty MILF Sucks Wooden Puppet Dry’ would become household names. He’s done it. The original Real Boy has managed to stay relevant without compromising his stellar reputation. What a champ!
Would Pinocchio’s range of fidget spinners be made from wood or is that too obvious?
Every familiar face that’s worth their shite has a range of fidget spinners available to purchase at the very reasonable price of £7,000. Would Pinocchio jump aboard this sinking bandwagon to make a quick buck? Absofuckinglutely he would, and I refuse to hold it against him. He’s an entrepreneur and simply trying to safeguard his future finances.
But are his fidget spinners wooden? There’s a lot of moving parts that need to be taken into account, along with equal weights on three external points, not to mention the likelihood of getting a woodcarver on board for this arduous task. Geppetto would likely tell him to get fucked, then question why he bothered creating such a shit-for-brains puppet in the first place. In the interest of keeping costs down, I think Pinocchio would probably go with plastic and we simply can’t hold that against him. Not for one goddam second.
Would his relationship with Geppetto be called into question?
It’s 2018 and suddenly everyone is a sex pest. Now I don’t want to defame Geppetto since he wasn’t available for comment when I contacted him, but let’s just assume that his intentions with Pinocchio weren’t entirely wholesome. The man was lonely, he craved companionship and perhaps a little more. Why, I ask you, didn’t he simply buy a puppy or adopt a cute little baby? Because that sinister creep wanted more.
What’s happened here is he’s created a sex doll for his own sick pleasure. Not content with a boyish wooden body alone to keep him company, this sick filth has gone and given it the most perverse feature of all: an erectable nose. Luckily, the wise and #woke minds of 2018 won’t hesitate to come to this conclusion and put this man behind bars once and for all (if he’s still alive). Pinocchio’s dignified speaking out against him will be praised and we will all cheer as victory befalls the innocence of this special little real boy sex toy. He is a goddamn hero, whatever year you introduce him to the world.
