Mint
In the ultimate act of tidying your house before a tornado bulldozes through it, reducing the property to a steaming pile of rubble, the UK treasury is producing a commemorative Brexit 50p coin.
Sajid Javid is currently figuring out plans to get the coins ready by the scheduled leave date of 31st October, meaning they’ll be in circulation just in time for young trick-or-treaters’ last Halloween excursions before they’re relegated to a life of misery, home-produced sweets like liquorice and Hobnobs, and coins that will instantly lose value.
All that’s left in the planning process is to decide on an appropriate design to represent the milestone event of the United Kingdom leaving the European Union.
It’s a tricky process that needs to fully encapsulate the general British attitude towards Brexit.
I’ve done up some rough options just in case they’re needed.
The dog from the ‘This is fine’ meme
Feel some small sense of comfort every time you pay for goods or services as you catch a glimpse of the ‘This Is Fine’ meme, which fully encapsulates Brexit. A tiny dog is wearing a very small bowler hat and sipping tea as the building around him / her is being engulfed in flames. This is essentially what Britain voted for and will soon experience to similar effect. At least put a goddamn meme on the currency. Give us something to laugh about.
Theresa May dancing like a robot toddler
Transport your thoughts back to the Tory Party Conference when Britain’s ‘Dancing Queen’ rocked the stage, then momentarily stopped, then rocked it again, then took a brief hiatus and finally returned to rocking the stage once more. Imagine paying for your kid’s dance lessons with one of these coins. Allow the prophecy to fulfil itself before dancing is banned from the British isles on account of being “too worldly”.
An updated map of the EU
Indulge your senses in this post-Brexit map of the European Union, featuring a cry laugh emoji where the United Kingdom once rested. Why? Simply, for banter. Use this 50p to pay for therapy, extortionately priced Frog-shaped chocolate bars, excise duties on imported foreign goods and 50 Cent concert tickets. Or, keep it as a memento of times gone by. Its value isn’t going to be worth much anyway.
Just a slab of gammon
Last year, the Collins Dictionary shortlisted words of the year included ‘Gammon’, which was a huge triumph for everyone in the gammon community. Why not give our beloved gammon folk another societal boost by putting a symbol of their values on the British 50p coin? If nothing else, it will be funny to give the money you owe to a gammon bank manager in instalments of 50p gammon coins, thus reminding them that they are a gammon and everything is their fault.
That big stupid bus that tricked everyone into voting for Brexit in the first place
Remember that time when the UK was tricked into Brexit because of a giant red bus? It was a simpler time, back when the world hadn’t fully descended into chaos. Well, the opportunity is now arising where the power can be taken back. Imagine paying for a bus to literally any other country on earth using a commemorative Brexit coin containing the Brexit bus? Practically gourmet. Get that bus on the goddamn coin.
Fed up Kay Burley
Is there a more symbolic Brexit image than Kay Burley looking exhausted and sick to her back teeth of everything? She wants to fill her time as a reporter stalking the Royals and excitedly screaming into the camera outside St. Mary’s Hospital as we receive confirmation that a new “Baby Cambridge” has arrived. That is where her strength lies. Put her on the coin as a reminder of how horrendous the past three years have been.
Nigel Farage covered in a milkshake
Brexiteer Nigel Farage has both had his cake, eaten it and then had it thrown over his suit in a peaceful protest. He deserves a spot on the 50p Brexit coin, but only if it can be the photograph where he is dripping wet from what appears to be a strawberry milkshake, medium thick and very recently poured. Use the coin featuring his disappointed face to purchase a milkshake which you will consume out of spite, because throwing it away is a gigantic waste.
Hayley from Love Island 2018 trying to understand Brexit
We laughed at the time, but now we must admire Hayley Hughes for her bravery in speaking out about her confusion regarding Brexit. Sure, she had a strange line of question regarding trees, but at least she voiced her befuddlement rather than pretending to know what was going on like the rest of us. Hayley was first to speak out and that deserves the utmost commendation. We can refer to 50p coins as ‘Hayls’ from now on and it will confuse the rest of the world, much like Brexit does.
2p
Because that is the projected value of 50p by the time October 31st rolls around. That’s it. That’s the joke. We will repaint 50p coins to look like 2p coins. Lol everything is so fucked 🙂
