Not all heroes bake laxative-filled brownies.
Buzzfeed has reported that an unidentified Michigan woman laced her departing colleague’s celebratory brownies with laxatives.
A police report said that the brownies were confiscated after an anonymous employee informed managers about what was lurking inside. She laced the brownies with laxatives because she “didn’t like the temp employee that was leaving”. The baker was sent home and ultimately fired from her job at MMI Engineered Solutions in Saline, Michigan. Since nobody actually consumed the brownies, no further legal action was taken after the woman was sacked.
That’s the story. That is what we know.
Naturally, I’ve got some questions.
Question 1: Why didn’t the baker like the departing employee?
Look, we’re all human. We have likes and dislikes, passions and disinterests. But how far does someone have to push your buttons before you consider causing them to incessantly shit themselves? Specifically, what do they have to do for you to go to such extreme lengths? For me, it would come down to personal space in the workplace. I like to be left alone, I like to keep my belongings intact and I’m not fond of lending people my stuff because it rarely comes back. What I am saying is that it is very easy for little things to chip away at you over a prolonged period of time, which can then manifest into a strong desire to commit murder, or at the very least, interfere with someone’s regular and natural bowel movements.
Par exemple, I had a small pot of chewing gum on my desk last year. I got it in a petrol station for a bargain (£2 plus a clip to attach it to your car’s air conditioning vent). Approximately three days into my dalliance with luxury, I noticed that the gum volume was decreasing far quicker than I was consuming it. I’m not an animal, one or two chewing gums a day will keep me ticking over nicely. I suspected an outside interference, so began positioning my gum pot in such a way that I could tell if it had been moved. To the surprise of absolutely no one, my suspicions were correct. I was the victim of a very serious crime. I was being pilfered from.
I had a couple of days of sweet sweet annual leave to take and was giddy at the prospect of not being sat in the exact same position for nine hours a day. I left the gum behind. It was three quarters full. Upon my return a week later, every piece of gum was gone, except the pot, which cruelly remained. In that instant, in that precise moment in time, I felt capable of murder. As a direct result, I fully understand why this woman put laxatives in her departing colleague’s brownies. Frankly, I feel she could’ve used something a little stronger.
Question 2: Was anyone still tempted by the brownies after they were confiscated?
Obviously we don’t know the texture of these specific brownies, but we know that a substance known as ‘Ex-lax’ was added. Ex-lax is a treatment for constipation which comes in tablet and (ironically) chocolate form. If the baker decided to incorporate the tablets, they may have absorbed some moisture out of the brownie mixture, thereby drying out the cakes. But if she used Ex-lax Chocolate, she is a goddamn genius. Nobody’s ever going to complain about a brownie being too chocolatey, no matter what effect this particular type of chocolate may have on your body.
Some people love brownies, that is a simple fact of life. Some people love brownies so much that the threat of shitting themselves repeatedly for 24 hours wouldn’t deter them, much like how most lactose intolerant folks still eat pizza because it is delicious. When the brownies were confiscated, most would’ve breathed a sigh of relief at avoiding an unintentional brush with incessant diarrhoea. But I suspect, no, I know that at least one person was thinking ‘I would’ve taken my chances tbh’ as the men in hazmat suits gently enclosed the brownies in a fireproof chamber for subsequent destroying. Truly, I identify with that person. Some food is worth ridding your entire body’s shit reserves for.
Question 3: Did the departing employee not feel suspicious upon learning that his/her enemy had baked brownies specially for them?
Let’s put ourselves in the temp’s shoes for a moment. We don’t know their gender, name, age, rank or even preferred baked goods. All we know is that they have been disliked by a person that is willing to go to extraordinary lengths to make them suffer. Did they deserve to be tricked into eating laxatives? It’s impossible to say. They could’ve been a real arsehole, or else the baker is a complete sociopath. We’re never going to be able to answer that question, or any of these questions I’ve drafted. All we’re trying to do is gain some understanding and clarity.
If you’re suspicious that a colleague dislikes you, it can go one of two ways. You’ll either make a solid effort with them to prove that you’re actually a delight, or you’ll ignore them entirely and settle into your new life of having a beef with someone. Either way, you can usually tell when someone doesn’t like you. If the person that probably doesn’t like you bakes an entire tray of brownies for your going away party, you’d certainly feel perplexed. How did things get so muddled that a third and also anonymous employee had to tip off management about their suspicions while the departing person remained oblivious? The departing temp is too trusting for their own good.
Question 4: What happened to the goddamn brownies in the end?
We know that they were confiscated. We know that the brownies, once determined to be laced with laxatives, were deemed unfit for human consumption. So what happened next? Did the management dispose of them? Did the baker try to reclaim them for her family who genuinely struggle with regular bowel movements? Did the departing colleague keep one as a souvenir of the time he/she was almost forced to shit themselves by a hater? Or were they handed over to the authorities and humanely destroyed?
Here’s what I believe happened. I think that the manager quickly and quietly gathered the brownies so as not to make a scene. On her way to the bin, someone saw her with an entire plate of brownies and jokingly remarked ‘Ooh, someone’s hungry’ and rather than correct this passerby, the manager simply smiled and nodded, falsely admitting to being a glutton. She then took the brownies to the outside bin and threw them in, plate and all. Later than night, a bin raider found the brownies and ate them. He is still shitting at this very moment in time.
Question 5: Is it all too convenient that this story has emerged today on #WorldBakingDay?
As with everything that goes viral, we need to be pragmatic with our assumptions and keep our wits about us at all times. Shortly after beginning this piece, I noticed that #WorldBakingDay was trending online. The day that a story about some brownie begetting brownies emerges just so happens to be one where we’re supposed to celebrate all baked goods. Cookies, cakes, pastries, even brownies, they are all to be celebrated on this the day of World Baking. This feels suspicious. Have we been duped?
In short, no. It’s probably just a coincidence. I believe that this kind of thing could happen. Coworkers are often garbage and can drive you to do insane things. In a previous job, I once arrived into work thirty minutes early just so that I could get a seat far away from a woman whose voice I can only liken to a shrieking pig. I worked overtime just so that I could position myself 10 feet away from a lunatic. Workplaces can be warfare and it’s dog eat dog. You do what you have to to survive. I’m not saying that I condone the woman who put laxatives into some brownies for her co-worker’s leaving part, I’m just saying that I understand how that can seem like a logical thing to do in certain situations. I’m glad nobody died and I look forward to the feature length movie based on the story starring Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson.
