Happy GCSE results day to you and yours!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, apart from Christmas, the first day you can go outside without wearing a jacket, and also every other day of the year. It’s GCSE results day!
But what about our beloved celebrities? How can they make this day all about them? Of course! By tweeting!
Today, along with A-level results day, is Online Celebrity Christmas. They’re all furiously bashing away drafts of the perfect inspirational tweet, frothing at the mouth thinking about going viral for inspiring hordes of teens to get out there and attack the world with their brains.
Let’s try to work out their thought processes, for fun.
Olly Murs
Murs straight in there with his actual results paper because he is nothing if not a man of conviction and dramatics, as we learned that time he was live-tweeting from Selfridges. Murs assures students not to be scared or worried, with his D grade in English coming to fruition in his scattered allocation of unnecessary capital letters throughout the tweet. He wants you to know that “if you believe you can achieve”, even without any basic knowledge of how commas work. In an exciting twist, it appears that Olly Murs got a D in GCSE-level PE (perhaps his heart skipped a beat). Former X Factor contestant Olly Murs is exposing his ineptitude in physical education so that you can feel better about your grades. The man is a hero.
Chris Moyles
Moylesy kicks things off with a sweet bit of self-deprecating humour which is a refreshing approach compared to some of his fellow celebrity tweeters who blindly assume that so palatable is their online persona, it extends to all ages. After the clarification, he gets straight into the meat of the message, which is to wish good luck unto the recipients of results. It’s a stripped back version of the usual celebrity GCSE tweets we’ve become used to, but also very likely a sincere one. Hard to fault this one, it genuinely seems nice. His bravery is slightly lesser so than that of Olly Murs, but it’s still a sufficient message.
Davina McCall
NINE LOVE HEARTS? Davina? 9? What exactly is your game here? Just what kind of stunt are you trying to pull? One heart is nice, two is playful, but nine is just downright sarcastic. Also, not to nitpick, but the inclusion of ‘everyone’ is foolish. Not everyone is getting GCSE results today. It’s a redundant word and a wholly unnecessary inclusion. People want two things from Davina McCall – witty fake phone conversations with her Mum during TV ads for hair dye, and workout DVDs. That’s it. Her heart is in the right place, but does it need to have seven more added to it? Dial it back, Davina. Save those emojis for WhatsApp.
Geri Halliwell/Horner
Credit where it’s due, the first line is perfect. It’s sufficient. She could’ve ended the tweet there, but that simply isn’t the Geri Halliwell way of doing things. Instead, Geri opted to add another sentence. Her mind wandered into dangerous territory. Wise to the ways of the internet, she foresaw a 50k RT tweet quoting her ‘Congrats to everyone on their GCSE results’ with the reply ‘I failed everything and now I want to die, thanks Geri x’ so quickly preempted the backlash. Unfortunately, it now reads like a sassy caveat and she’s made everything so much worse. Congrats if you failed everything, idiots, thumbs up though! It reads like a subtle threat, ‘Whatever you got’. Thumbs up 🙂
Ant & Dec
How do you do, fellow kids? Where my ‘GCSE’ers’ at? Word to your mothers, etc. Dec took the reins on this one, which was probably a wise decision. He’s expertly wished their followers good luck, but then followed it up with a very presumptions “you’re gonna be fine”. Unfortunately, in many cases, Declan, people won’t be fine. They could be upset and disappointed with their academic failures. What about them? Where do they turn? To Geri Halliwell? To Davina ‘Nine Hearts’ McCall? You had an opportunity to drop some realness, share your own results, maybe even make fun of Ant a little bit, but instead you’ve failed the nation. Get your patronising thumbs up out of my sight. Looking forward to I’m A Celeb, though.
Sam Bird
The Birdman has weighed in and as expected, it’s a questionable one. Sam Bird is here to drop some home truths and you best be ready. This is a man who went into the Love Island villa and emerged with a lady, so you should heed his expert advice with the utmost interest. He’s a busy guy, one who hasn’t got the time to check which hashtag is trending, so he’ll just stick both in there to speed things along and be able to get back to his busy day of uploading Instagram stories at various bakeries around Essex for the day in exchange for free cream pies. Sam Bird wants you to have a good day, even if you’re not getting any results today. Got that? Good. A number doesn’t define you. Not unless it’s 69, lol.
Paddy McGuinness
“Young uns”. As in the youth. This message is for you, youths. Gather round, for Daddy TV quiz show would like to wish you luck. Paddy doesn’t indulge in the same self-deprecating chat that Chris Moyles does, probably because he simply didn’t think of it. He’s a man with a rare gift of still being able to connect with teens despite being 45 years old. As a former teen, I can confirm that we really enjoy being called “young uns” and what’s more is that we respect it a large amount. Paddy has tapped into a very exclusive club of being able to connect with the youth of today. He wishes them luck, but also informs him that he is one of them, albeit a 45-year-old youth.
Josh Cuthbert
Union J beefcake Josh has nailed it thanks to the triple exclamation points and four crossed-finger emoji inclusion. He’s thinking of every single GCSE results recipient. Even Jenny in Torquay who’s just found out that her dog has to be put down on the same day she’s learned that she failed GCSE English and Maths. Josh is thinking of her, among others. His mind can think of everyone at once because he is a celebrity and they have special powers. Union J all got decent GCSE results, probably, and look at them now. Two members have quit but at least they’re all still verified on Twitter! They evidently can’t get the ideal usernames they wanted, but still, they’re thinking of us all 🙂
Sam Claflin
Hard to tell if this is a sincere message given that he’s an actor, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Sam has covered all bases here, congratulating those that triumph and motivating those who are disappointed. It’s ambitious but also a masterclass in how to conduct yourself online. GCSE results day segregates celebrities into two halves, those that offer up sincere wishes and those that try to be funny. Sam has taken the easier route here and it has paid off. It’s a smidge dramatic, realistically nobody that has failed their GCSEs is going to heed the advice of a guy from The Hunger Games about this overwhelming disaster being the beginning of something wonderful. Still, it’s a nice effort.
Doctor Alex
We get it, Alex. You are a doctor and also the most boring man alive. This feels like a sponsored tweet that was written by an intern who’s been held in a hostage situation by the head of GCSEs. Alex had drafted a tweet that said “What’s happening folks? Doctor Alex here. Just dropping by your timelines to say WHASSSSAAAAAAA and also I hope your GCSE results aren’t shit. I got really good GCSEs and now I am an influencer who is sexually attracted to cars. I was on the telly!”, but that wasn’t approved by his management company. The intern, who is unpaid, has saved the day.
*Bonus Instagram content*
A heartwarming and concise message of goodwill from the Love Island contestant, this time on Instagram. It’s nicely spaced out and allows for you to shout the larger pieces of text as you read them in your head like “…who are receiving your GRADES!”, etc. In the ultimate act of commitment to promoting his personal #brand, Jack has managed to work in his catchphrase at the end, which is certain to appear of his range of merchandise that will inevitably go on sale within the next six months. If you’re upset this GCSE results day, simply heed the words of a former Love Island contestant who is reassuring you that everything always works out. After all, he would know.
