IMMEDIATELY!
Candles have become very boring. There, I said it. I’m prepared to withstand any legal ramifications of such a bold statement should they come my way.
It’s 2018 and we still don’t have a candle that smells like photocopied paper. It’s a joke.
Respectfully, the candle industry needs a good talking to. They’ve been phoning it in for years. Scents like ‘A Child’s Wish’ or ‘Birthday Cake’ aren’t fooling anyone.
They’ve run out of ideas and it’s about time we give them a helping hand.
Brexit
Ever wondered what misery smells like? Well wonder no more as we introduce Brexit: A strong and stable scent that will initially promise a fruitful odour but ultimately lose all appeal and let us all down. It’s a hazy mix of that fart smell someone always produces in a nightclub, along with the scent of your Dad’s armpits after he cuts the grass.
Summertime Tube
This delectable fragrance boasts notes of body odour, gone off sandwiches buried deep in backpacks and an inexplicable smell of onions. This candle burns brightly for over 100 hours, allowing you to transport yourself to a hot and sticky never-ending journey on London’s tube.
Parma Violets
Oh heck yes. These childhood delights were reminiscent of that time your Mum literally washed your mouth out with soap after you accidentally said the C-word at Grandma’s, but you still ate them every time they appeared in your trick or treat bag. Affectionately known as ‘soapy sweets’ by probably just me, you’re going to want to bulk buy these candles because they’re sure to sell out quickly.
Wet Road
It’s the summer, you’ve got two weeks off work and you’re wandering into town for an expensive coffee and a bite of lunch. You strategically held off until the shower passed and now you get to soak up that wet road smell all to yourself. All is at peace, except it’s not because this is just a candle. Still smells nice though!
Mum’s Roast
Treat your nostrils to the smell of roast beef, gravy, roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings and carrots with this exquisite candle. You’ll also smell a heated argument about whether it’s time to put Grandad in a home, at which point your Mum storms up to her bedroom sobbing because she’s too upset to eat the dinner she spends three hours cooking. It smells a bit like rosemary as well.
Toad In The Hole
Relive the time you went to your friend’s house after school because he said his Mum was cooking frozen pizza, but when you got there it turned out to be what you to this day still refer to as ‘fucking pastry sausage shite’. You pretended you were allergic to it so his Mum gave you a slice of bread with that weird cholesterol butter because it’s all they had. You eventually got home and your parents told you they were getting a divorce.
The Recycling Bin
An unconventional candle scent, but bear with me on this one. Your elderly neighbour has always had a slightly larger recycling bin than you. Although you’ve tried to find out how he managed it, he never gave away his secrets. “Maybe the council prefer me to you!”, he’d joke. But guess what, he’s been found dead and now that bin is all yours. You can fit in so much more recycling. Rejoice! Karma!
£3 Tea
This candle smells like the time you worked a summer job at 16 and made more money than your greedy little paws knew what to do with. Rather than save it or get addicted to prescription medication, you acquired a taste for the finer things in life. You bought trainers that cost £90 and CDs on their official release day rather than waiting for the 2 for £12 offer in HMV. After that, you went to a snooty cafe in the fancy part of town and spent £3 on the finest cup of tea your affluent little mouth ever taste. Those were the golden days.
Potato Smiles
Lighting this candle will instantly transport you back to a time when supermarket free samples weren’t as rare as a quiet holiday rep. You’d get up early on a Saturday to do the weekly shop with Mum and skip breakfast, positively giddy at the prospect of what would befall you. Crisps, chocolate milk, sausages, potato smiles, it was all fun and games until you chundered all over the back seat of the car on the way home.
Martin Clunes
Everyone’s favourite Doc Martin is about to become a household scent with the introduction of this much sought-after candle. What does Martin Clunes smell like? Reliability, charm, an endearing amount of aloofness, hygiene and a man that, at times, behaves badly. For the competitive price of £35.99, all this can be yours.
