Trigger warning: Do not read this if you get sad looking at things you will never be able to afford.
Last month, Emirates unveiled their new first class suites on board the Boeing 777-300ER.
These 40 square foot suites are majestic, ridiculous and an unattainable fantasy for mere mortals such as myself.
Everyone’s favourite lunatic YouTuber, Casey Neistat, just shared a video of his stay in one of these first class suites, so get ready to weep with envy at a life you will probably never have.
Let’s unpack this a little more, just so we can all feel worse about ourselves.
THERE IS A PAIR OF BINOCULARS IN THE DAMN SUITE
1. There is mood lighting in the suite, but it’s behind you. For the entirety of your stay, you’re going to sit in the chair and face forward. That lighting will get half a second of airtime in your eyes when you come back from the toilet a few times, but that’s it. This suite is so fancy, it has features you won’t even goddamn see.
2. There are curtains WITH TIE BACKS on them. Your curtains won’t be dangling freely like some kind of limp apron on the back of the kitchen door at home, these curtains are rigidly kept aback so as to not impede your viewing of the clouds. My house does not contain any curtain tie backs whatsoever.
3. That is a hint of a binoculars, I’m sure of it. This suite comes with a pair of binoculars so that you can get a closer inspection of the clouds. Rich people enjoy scenery just as much as the rest of us, but they get to see the scenery up closer, with three whole windows to themselves, uninhibited by some economy class Dad’s enormous head.
4. Emirates have put a hanging vase with fresh flowers in this aeroplane suite, simply because they can. The flowers don’t serve any purpose, they just hang there going about their business. Those flowers could be sitting on the desk or scattered on the ground, it doesn’t matter. They’re there simply because they can be, just like anyone that can afford the Emirates first class suite. What a delicious metaphor.
There’s a door and its default position is closed because heaven exists
As a firm Necessity Of Other People Denier, I can’t explain what the inclusion of a door on an aeroplane suite means to me. Not that I will ever find myself financially in a position to opt for the suite as opposed to a middle seat between a fishmonger trade enthusiast and teething baby, but let’s indulge the fantasy.
You’re on a plane and the worst element of being on a plane is eliminated. People are no longer an issue. They cannot see you and you cannot see them. You’re invisible. You can pick your nose at your discretion, chain eat all the snacks from the snack basket until you puke and then continue to eat them after you puke. It’s heaven. This isn’t just a suite, it’s a glimpse into how wonderful the world could be. Namely, if you eliminate all other people from the equation.
LOOK AT ALL THAT HECKIN LEGROOM!!!
Things you could comfortably fit in the Emirates first class suite legroom area:
- Two wheelbarrows filled to capacity
- Three John Barrowmans
- One third of a giraffe
- A shopping trolley filled exclusively with Hatchimals
- 1 Casey Neistat
- Four toddlers
- Both a partridge and a pear tree
- The hopes and dreams of rich people that can afford to fly in their own private first class suite
- Half a Vince Vaughn.
They’ve put lights in the carpet simply because they can
This is like when celebrities bring out a perfume. They don’t know anything about the art of crafting a unique and pleasant fragrance. They are simply doing it for, if I may put it eloquently, that sweet sweet coin, brah.
There is no need to have tiny little lights in the carpet of this first class suite. They are trolling us at this point. It does nothing for the ambiance and is frankly reminiscent of crumbs. Light fixtures do not belong on the ground. This isn’t a dance floor in a seedy nightclub. This is an Emirates first class cabin. Less underground lighting, more champagne tbqhwy.
The TV is bigger than most London flats currently on Zoopla
Hard to gauge the size here but it is definitely massive. Bigger than my future, for sure. What an obscenely large television. But also, why stop there? The surrounding fridges could surely be moved elsewhere for an even larger TV. I want a wall-to-wall, roof-to-floor television in my Emirates first class suite, and I will accept nothing less.
I want the remote to sing me to sleep, I want the television to be in 3D, I want to smell the Babestation gals’ cheap perfume, I want to feel Samuel L. Jackson’s breath on my brow. I want to get a migraine from sitting so close to the screen that my eyes can’t focus properly. I want surround sound. I want a physical person doing sign language for the shows stood beside me in the suite. I want it all.
FFS YOU CAN VIDEO CALL YOUR FLIGHT ATTENDANT FROM THE SUITE!!
We have a late entrant into the Most Unnecessary Thing In The World 2017 Awards and it looks set to pull away with the trophy. In this first class suite, should you find yourself in need of assistance, you needn’t merely hit the overhead buzzer like those scum back in economy. What you obviously do is place a video call to a flight attendant who is roughly twenty feet away. From there, you communicate despite being able to hear their voice both through the device and in perfect earshot due to them being situated next to you.
Casey Neistat didn’t even order anything. He just wanted to say hello. The flight attendant obliged him, but there was a hint of contempt in her eyes. She’s probably answering upwards of fifty calls just like that on each flight. Quirky passengers interrupting her day like it’s no big deal. She hates you. She hates us all.
There’s a vanity mirror so you can stare longingly into your affluent eyes throughout the flight
It obstructs your view of most of the television, but that’s absolutely fine when you’re so stinking rich that you can afford a literal suite on a plane. There’s backlights on the mirror and it comes with a beauty kit, assumedly a very fancy pen and a notebook that you can jot down your rich little thoughts in, such as “Freddos are dirt cheap” and “Must bathe with hundreds of £20 notes to see if it improves my complexion”. Rich people are a different breed.
The food is so fancy, it’s impossible to identify any of it
Working from clockwise from the left, I will now incorrectly identify these food items. Mushrooms, gummy bears, hummus, fruit, tiny eggs, brain, bread, one singular chip, a tomato and some lettuce. Those are just the appetisers. The plate is still empty. There is more food on the way. Rich people cannot simply eat one meal, they are far too important and require further sustenance than that.
That is a steak. On an aeroplane. Steaks on a plane. How are they cooking steaks on the same mode of transportation upon which regular passengers only ever get a microwave meal that’s either scalding hot or ice cold? You’re telling me they’ve had the means to prepare restaurant quality food all along but never told us? We’ve been lied to. Not that most of us could afford to pay £7,000 for a steak, but it would be nice to know that we’ve had the option this whole time.
The chair turns into a fully reclined bed because of course it does
Finally, after a long day of being stinking rich and quarantined away from the scum that inhabit economy, it’s only natural that you’re going to want to depart to the land of slumber before arriving at your eventual destination. Simply call the flight attendants (via video or physical means), and they’ll prepare a bed for you with better cotton sheets and covers than many of us are ever likely to own ourselves.
Dislocating your neck in a bid to get comfortable whilst sitting in a bolt upright position as a toddler kicks the back of your chair to the rhythmic beat of Peppa Pig‘s theme tune is a thing of the past when you get rich. This is the life you lead now. You have unlimited snacks, beverages, video calling capabilities and underfloor lighting fixtures. Nothing else matters anymore.
*Bonus footage of Casey Neistat being a threat to air safety compliance regulations*
He flew a drone inside the suite. Such is the size of the suite.
He skateboarded on the corridor outside the suite. Such is the size of both the corridor leading up to the suite and the suite itself.
In conclusion, Emirates’ first class suite is obscene and merely a pipe dream for millennial thugs such as myself. Rather than feeling sad about how I will never truly experience the life of a rich person, I am choosing to make fun of them and believe that nobody that can afford a first class suite is truly happy. Not until they spend the money for the suite on one singular delicious Freddo, as they are the exact same price.
Images via YouTube
