I was born to assist in communicating.
The Royal Household is currently looking for a Communications Assistant.
According to the job spec, when I secure this job, I will be organising Palace engagements like garden parties, producing content, writing press announcements, doing media briefing notes, social media updates and writing articles for the Royals. What a buzz.
Basically, this role was destined for me and I’m going to do everything in my power to win.
Here’s how I nailed my application form. If you’re thinking of applying, take note.
Why have you applied for this role?
Since birth, I have craved the unbridled rush that comes from being a communications assistant. It runs through my veins and deep into my soul. To have the honour of assisting communications for the Royal Family would be an absolute pleasure that I would not take lightly.
For some people, communication comes naturally. Me? I’ve got superhuman abilities in this department. One time, my phone had completely run out of battery. I was supposed to be meeting some friends in town but we hadn’t decided on a location yet. I was alone, but I was not afraid. I willed my phone to turn back on, whilst muttering expletives. What happened next was truly remarkable. My phone didn’t turn on, but I bumped into who I thought was one of the friends I was supposed to be meeting. Unfortunately, it was merely a lookalike. We started talking and felt a deep connection. She was chatting about her family and I, my failing career. Things ended with us both inspiring each other to make a change and live our lives how we truly felt would be right. That woman grew up to be Queen Elizabeth II.
In summary, I am applying for this role because the Royal Family needs me. You need me. I will turn up no later than five minutes past my start time each day and put in a very solid day’s work with intermittent Candy Crush breaks and bananas if I get hungry. You will not find a more suitable or committed candidate than I.
Tell us how your skills match the job description?
My skills are a never-ending list. I can juggle three items, make a water droplet sound with my mouth, Photoshop my face onto literally anything, recite the entire script from Mean Girls and know exactly when a poached egg is cooked to perfection. Do these skills match the job description? If you read between the lines, absolutely.
Furthermore, I am brilliant at arranging garden parties. I once had to get up at 6am because I’d forgotten to take the bins out. It was cold, wet and dark, but I persevered. Those bin men always show up around 6.15am, so the fact that I instinctively woke at 6am is presumably due to witchcraft. I dragged the bins out with minutes to spare. The bin man was so impressed, he told me that I was wonderful and I returned the compliment. That man grew up to be Prince William, Duke of Cambridge.
Social media updates seem to be a large part of this job, which goes hand-in-hand with my skillset. I tweet about the Royals precisely once a week so as to keep them trending online.
Please will someone just let Kate Middleton go for a wee she is bursting pic.twitter.com/Gs4VHewSGB
— Ciara Knight (@Ciara_Knight) April 16, 2017
This tweet is pure fire. Kate doesn’t need a wee, she is simply curtseying. However, it appears as though she is doing a manoeuvre so as to curtail her desire for a wee. It’s genius. I am very funny. Hire me.
Tell us about any relevant interests or activities you feel would support your application
A matter very close to my heart is the increasing price of Freddos. At present, an 18g Freddo bar is costing the consumer 30p. It’s an outrage and, as I’m sure you’ll agree, something needs to be done.
I frequently lobby the powers that be to urge them to rectify this heinous act of charging far too much for such a small bar of chocolate, but to no avail. Regardless, I will never cease my activism.
Surely this supports my application in ways that stand to me. I will fight for what is right. I will not be silenced. I will not stop until a Freddo bar costs 20p again.
Woah, anyone else notice the subliminal message in The Queen's hat? #QueensSpeech pic.twitter.com/CyOzrpsMB1
— Ciara Knight (@Ciara_Knight) June 21, 2017
Why should we hire you?
I would die for the Royal Family.
I will take a bullet during my line of work if it means that I will protect the sanctity of the Royal Family. This is not a joke. If any other application says the same, ignore them, they are liars.
I’ve taken this application form process very seriously. I am wearing a power suit as I type this and I have ‘God Save The Queen’ playing in repeat. There is a Gary Barlow OBE calendar looking down on me and The Crown is playing on the telly in the next room for some background ambiance.
The Crown has been completed by me, both series. I am now an expert on the intricacies of the Royal Family and have even taken such liberties as to rename the show as evidenced above. Please let me know your thoughts on the change. Furthermore, I have never watched The Royle Family because I do not approve of how they have taken your sacred name in vain.
To reiterate, I would take a bullet for every member of the Royal Family. You should hire me because it is the right thing to do. My magic eight ball, on the third attempt, agrees.
What are your strengths and weaknesses and how do they apply to this role?
My strengths are communicating in an assisted capacity, obviously. I have a Masters in it from a very well known university that I refuse to name drop as I am simply not one to brag.
I’m also very good at making memes so dank that they require protective eyewear when viewing.
For instance, you may remember the Royal Christmas card being released late last year. As we can all agree, it was a touch lacklustre. Rather than taking a typical millennial approach and writing a 4,000 word think piece on the matter, I was pro-active and drafted up some alternative options for you. Am I a hero? That is simply not for me to say.
Some alternative backdrops for your consideration pic.twitter.com/GiiChdQiUW
— Ciara Knight (@Ciara_Knight) December 18, 2017
As it’s probably become clear by this point, I do not have any weaknesses. Perhaps that is a weakness in itself? Unlikely.
Anything else we should know in relation to your application?
Yes. I couldn’t help but notice that the job description lists ‘writing articles for the royals’ as one of the requirements. Well, I’ve being doing precisely that for quite some time.
I’ve covered important journalistic areas such as ‘What If The Queen Had Snapchat‘, ‘9 Prince Philip Memes In Recognition Of His Valiant Work For This Country‘ and one which I strongly suspect will win a Pulitzer, ‘Every Member Of The Royal Family Ranked By Their Commitment To Banter‘.
In summary, I eagerly await your call and am available to start immediately.
