Danny Dyer is descended from royalty. No, really.
While filming for the latest series of the BBC’s Who Do You Think You Are?, he discovered he’s not only a distant relation of Edward III, but even William the Conqueror and also Thomas Cromwell.
We’ve never had a King Danny. We’ve also never had a King who’s tweeted about 9/11 “freaking his nut out” or who’s appeared in Football Factory, but given Danny officially has some royal blood in him, maybe it’s time we started entertaining the possibility…
1. Danny wouldn’t be coronated, he’d be Eastendered, because he wouldn’t want to give any publicity to a rival TV show.
Image: Getty / JOE.co.uk
2. The legal drinking age would be lowered to nine, or seven if you’re accompanied by an adult and order your drink with a meal.
Image: knowyourmeme.com / JOE.co.uk
3. The King’s speech at Christmas would just be Danny reading out his best tweets from the year while pissed out of his arse on eggnog.
Image: YouTube / JOE.co.uk
4. Although if he really couldn’t be fucked he’d just whack on Football Factory and make everyone watch that instead.
Image: Verigo Films / JOE.co.uk
5. The famous royal wave would change a little bit…
Image: Twitter: @MrDDyer
6. The King’s garden parties would no longer be a civilised affair of tea and sandwiches, and instead would be 48 hours of Danny and 8,000 other geezers pinging off their nuts in a gazebo.
Image: nokemodo-judo.co.uk / JOE.co.uk
7. He’d order Oasis to get back together to record a new version of the National Anthem.
Image: Getty / JOE.co.uk
8. The King would stop making so many visits to former Commonwealth countries and other political allies, and instead take a suspicious number of trips to Ibiza, Ayia Napa and Kavos.
richmondclassics.com / JOE.co.uk
9. He’d completely end Britain’s special relationship with America by calling Donald Trump “a muggy little melt”.
Image: Getty / JOE.co.uk
10. He would order the slaughter of every duck in the country, on the grounds of them being “arrogant pricks”.
Image: Twitter: @MrDDyer
11. He would rename Buckingham Palace Buckingham Gaff.
Image: Getty / JOE.co.uk
12. And he’d build a football pitch out the back and get West Ham to play there.
Image: Getty / JOE.co.uk
13. Every working adult would be allowed 10 “hangover days” per year, which they could cash in whenever they’d had a propa nawty weekend and needed an extra day to recover.
Image: Twitter: @MrDDyer
14. A jubilee in King Danny’s honour would be called a “luvilee jubilee”.
Image: Getty / JOE.co.uk
15. Mark Wright would be exiled to an abandoned oil rig in the North Sea.
Image: Wikimedia Commons / JOE.co.uk
16. And all terrorist groups would officially be referred to as “them slags”.
