Mark Zuckerbooster.
The Zuck testified before the U.S. senate yesterday, but more importantly, he appeared to be sitting on a booster seat.
How you gonna testify to Congress sitting on a booster seat? pic.twitter.com/zkfb1uQCps
— TUCKER (@JERICHO) April 10, 2018
Mark Zuckerberg, the CEO of Facebook, uses a booster seat.
But why?
I’ve got some theories, starting with the most obvious one.
Mark Zuckerberg is a robot
Robots are capable of incredible feats. Not too long ago, we saw a video of a robot dog opening the door for another robot dog. The robots are not only making the world a better place, but they’re doing it posed as adorable family pets. I read that before the end of 2018, many assembly line workers will have robot colleagues. That means Simon at the Dairylea Dunkers factory will be packaging tiny breadsticks and cheese dips alongside Zircon X5412, a quiet guy who’s eight times more efficient than the company’s entire workforce put together. He can’t make a decent brew though, so his colleagues won’t take to him.
My point is that robots are becoming so advanced, they’re bound to overtake us any day now. It’s not outside the realms of possibility that Mark Zuckerberg is a very advanced robot. Anyone that’s seen his interviews can vouch for his robot-like emoting. His voice, if taken down an octave or two, is basically Siri. He wears the exact same clothes every day to hide his complex cabling system underneath. But why the booster seat? Well, robots struggle to sit like humans as their machinery doesn’t bend easily. The booster keeps Zuck at the correct angle to appear comfortable and humanlike.
Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t have a butt
It’s a rare condition that affects 1 in 500,000 people worldwide, but it’s absolutely something that can happen. That’s why Zuckerberg’s eyes are always open so wide, he’s been holding his farts in for 33 years due to not having a butthole. A Chinese man once survived 55 years without an anus, as the opening to his rectum was in the wrong place. They put at half centimetre sized hole near his urethra so that he could manually squeeze poop out using his bare hands. That’s absolutely true and I apologise for being the one to tell you about it.
Truly, think about it. Have you ever seen Mark Zuckerberg’s butt? Could you pick out the Zuckerbutt in a lineup of ten derrières? Unlikely, because it doesn’t exist. Mark Zuckerberg does not have a butt. He brings a booster seat everywhere to give the illusion that he’s got a sizeable butt propping him up, to avoid suspicion being aroused. It’s the best kept secret at Facebook, with the Russians interfering in the Presidential election coming in a close second place.
Mark Zuckerberg is some kind of marketing genius
What’s one of the most profitable features for Facebook (besides advertising)? Boosting posts, duh. Knock knock, there’s someone at the door. It’s a bathroom, now let that sink in. Mark Zuckerberg used his time testifying to congress as a means of promoting his business. The man is a twisted and evil genius. When Facebook pages boosts posts, it pipes money directly into Facebook, which in turn shares the post to a larger audience over a prolonged period. It’s the digital equivalent of paying someone to hand out leaflets. Grubby little propagandised leaflets.
Let me set the scene for you. Zuckerberg called his Facebook inner circle into a crisis meeting over the weekend. They pile into a boardroom that has deliberate and paid for graffiti on the walls because they are an incredibly quirky organisation. Zuckerberg is pissed that he has to testify, so they hatch a plan. They narrow it down to Mark either raising his thumb throughout the interrogation to signify Facebook’s ‘like’ feature, or using a booster seat to encourage page admins to boost their posts. He goes with the booster seat in the end because Mark doesn’t want to look like a goddamn fool in front of 326 million people.
Perhaps the seat is just thicc
Mark Zuckerberg’s Chair on Capitol Hill Has a Nice Big Extra Cushion (aka Booster Seat) https://t.co/iBkmoShW2t pic.twitter.com/v8McgHYyvn
— Josh Caplan (@joshdcaplan) April 10, 2018
Seats, much like people, come in all shapes and sizes. Some seats are wide, some are narrow. Some seats are bouncy, others are firm. Perhaps, in the case pictured above, the seat that Mark Zuckerberg was using was simply very thicc. The term ‘thicc’, for those that don’t live on the internet, means curvy. Although the chair pictured above has very narrow arms and legs, it’s midsection is undeniably thicc, giving the illusion of a booster seat. It may be a case that many of us have never seen a thicc chair before, hence the false identification as a booster seat.
Last year, Facebook said that it was making changes regarding how they hire staff in a bid to make the company more diverse. The tech industry is predominantly male and unthicc, but that doesn’t mean that their chairs have to be. Facebook’s staff need places to sit and that’s where thicc seats come in. They’ve rolled out a bold new strategy whereby workers at Facebook each get a thicc chair to teach them the value of appreciating all seats, regardless of their body type. Zuckerberg probably brought this chair from the office to promote their latest transcending move in the media landscape.
It wasn’t actually a booster seat, it was 14 stacked copies of The Social Network on Blu-ray
It’s no secret that Mark Zuckerberg, the man who stole Facebook, wasn’t overly keen on how he was portrayed as the man who stole Facebook in The Social Network. His character, played by Jesse Eisenberg, came across as rude, ruthless and slightly intriguing. In reality, Mark Zuckerberg is all of those things, but also a massive dork. He is a very smart man who wears the same clothes every day and has a net worth of $64 billion. He’s just like you and I!
As an act of solemn defiance, Mark Zuckerberg carries around precisely fourteen copies of The Social Network with him at all times. He uses them for various things, such as booster cushion fillers, emergency mirrors, wallpaper chippers and a mild form of entertainment if there’s absolutely nothing else to watch. Rather than ignore the movie entirely, Zuckerberg keeps it close, as fuel. Aaron Sorkin’s inaccurate portrayal of him makes Mark strive to be better. He doesn’t want to screw over Andrew Garfield or Armie Hammer, he just wants to allow companies to pay him a heap of money to then harvest their private data for reasons unknown.
