I thought I misheard you. When the person at the till asked you how spicy you wanted your chicken, I could have sworn that you said “Lemon & Herb, please.”
“Must be hearing things,” I thought. “Must get my ears checked.” We’re getting a bit long in the tooth now that we’re deep into our 20s, with our creaking knees and three-day hangovers, but you’re never too old for a Nando’s, and that’s exactly what we were doing.
We paid, got our bottomless Cokes and sat at the table. We had some table banter. It was some of the cheekiest table banter I’ve had in a long while. You ribbed me about this, I razzed you about that – it was classic cheeky Nando’s table banter.
The service in Nando’s is fast, but when you’ve got a couple of top-drawer bantermasters engaging in some high-level table banter of the cheekiest order, your food pracically arrives before you’ve even sat down. The waiter came over:
“Butterfly Burger, Hot, with PERi-salted chips and garlic bread?” the fella asked. “That’s mine, cheers,” I said, taking the plate gratefully. We were hungry dogs at the end of the hunt, and a feast awaited us.
“Quarter chicken, Lemon & Herb, with chips and macho peas?”
I almost choked on my indignation.
Photo: @hai_ren
“I think you’ve got the wrong table pal,” I was about to exclaim, ready to throw you a knowing wink and chuckle at the very idea of anyone in their right mind ordering Lemon & Herb chicken at Nando’s – especially one of the country’s foremost banterlopes. Imagine!
“Yep, that’s me. Thanks.”
I saw your lips move and I heard the words in my ears, but it took a couple of moments for me to realise that one came from the other. I sat open-mouthed, my food going cold as I watched you pull that green flag from your chicken. In the fields of war, men see each other plainly; they reveal themselves, their courage and their yellow bellies. War this was not, but in that moment I saw the man you really were.
Respect is not unconditional. Respect is earned. Over all this time and after all we’ve been through, you’ve earned my respect beyond doubt, but I have to be honest: this is testing. Your choice of Lemon & Herb is testing my respect for you. We’ve got enough good stuff in the bank that I can forgive this indiscretion, but mate. Lemon & Herb. Really?
Photo: Nando’s
A lesser man would call you a pussy and leave you to wallow in your shame, but that’s not what friends do, and even though you have brought dishonour on your family and yourself, we are still friends. So here’s what we’re going to do.
We’re going to make you into a Medium Man.
You can’t handle the heat and that’s fine – not every man is born with tastebuds of steel – but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to handle it. No one’s expecting you to start drinking from the black sauce bottle, but if you take it step by step, meal by meal, Medium quarter chicken by Medium quarter chicken, you can get there.
So what do you say? Let’s put your Lemon & Herb days behind you. Let’s toughen up those tastebuds and make you into the Medium Man you were born to be. I believe in you, the nation believes in you, Nando’s believes in you.
The only question is, do you believe in you?
Feature: Nandos / @hai_ren
