THE HIGHPOINT OF CHRISTMAS IS OVER!
At forty minutes past the hour of seven last Friday, John Lewis unleashed their Christmas advert for 2017. It was touching, it was beautiful, it was magic and it was gripping.
If you haven’t seen it yet, please rectify the situation immediately:
Here it is, our 2017 Christmas ad #MozTheMonster pic.twitter.com/c7qPyD9ICE
— John Lewis & Partners (@JohnLewisRetail) November 10, 2017
There are a few small details that might have gone over your head with all the excitement.
Not to worry, I’ve noted them.
1. The kid has a drawing of Charles Manson on his wall
Wow. This changes the entire context of the advert, to be honest. Kids are into all manner of things these days, but this is a slightly worrying interest. Mad respect to John Lewis for showcasing a diverse range of curiosities that inhabit some children’s minds, whatever they may be.
2. The monster’s nose is a sweet potato
Every monster under a child’s bed is different. Mine was a giant spider with very hairy legs and a Welsh accent who had a penchant for Dairylea Lunchables. This kid’s monster has a literal sweet potato for a nose, so that’s different but still to be taken very seriously.
3. The monster has a tiny diamond in his tooth and is, therefore, a wealthy rapper
As previously stated, every monster is different. This guy appears to be a wealthy rapper with money to burn. He probably has seventeen sports cars that are all the exact same but in different colours to coordinate with his outfits. What an absolute LAD.
4. The kid’s hairdresser is Kem from Love Island
It was an unbridled delight to notice Kem in this advert. People have likely forgotten about him since that stint on Love Island, so it’s great to see that he’s doing well and has returned to his hairdressing trade. He still has a bit of a summer glow as well, the cheeky pup.
5. The kid’s letter to Santa is grim
My letter to Santa this year isn’t much different, so I identify with this fictional child. It’s unclear as to whether he has listed these items in order of preference or not, but it doesn’t really matter. World peace, no Brexit and crisps would mean an awful lot to all of us this Christmas. Santa, please indulge our desires.
6. The kid’s Battleship game contains a very specific date
Strange choice here, but a comforting one. It’s been 105 years since the Titanic sank, but we should still have it in the back of our minds at all times. The unsinkable ship sank due to global warming, and what have we done about it? Nothing. David Attenborough’s out there doing his best, but he can’t change the world alone. WAKE UP, PEOPLE!
7. The monster is a smoker
Smoking is really bad for you, even the scariest of monsters know that. So why does this particular monster smoke? Is it an old habit? Stress of the job? A desire to look “cool”? It’s hard to say. We can’t speculate at this point because I contacted a representative of the monster and he refused to provide a comment.
8. The kid got rid of one monster under his bed, but it was soon replaced with another
Is… Is that Eamonn Holmes? Wow. Even a nightlight isn’t enough to deter the king of daytime television from haunting a young boy’s journey to sleep. Presenting This Morning obviously doesn’t factor into Eamonn’s nocturnal activities as he appears perfectly content with staying awake all night to terrorise a kid. Disgusting.
