Sending love and light at this difficult time
Last night, Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp went down.
Nobody knows why, nor does it particularly matter, because all this outage did was remind us that we are all crippled by our senseless addiction to these cesspit methods of facilitating communication and/or voluntarily-attended outlets for bragging.
Inevitably, there’s a lot of content you would’ve missed during these testing times.
Not to worry, I’ve summarised the most important posts that sadly never made it online.
- Your friend from primary school would like to win an overnight stay (breakfast included) at a fancy hotel so she has liked and shared the post which contains an impressive 3 (three) typos.
- Your aunt who lives in America doesn’t think gun control is the solution to gun violence and is using a bananas-logic meme first shared in 2011 to demonstrate this point.
- Your ex has gotten really into coffee and has started a blog in which they describe (in excruciating detail) the intensity of the shit they take after different types of ground beans.
- A guy you used to work with commented ‘Who?’ under an article about Kylie Jenner despite knowing precisely who she is due to him following her on Instagram for about two years now.
- Your cousin posted a photograph of her new baby and it looks like a cross between Ron Perlman and a butternut squash.
- Your Mum posted a status that says ‘Happy Birthday must call round to see the new conservatory soon x x’, which was presumably supposed to be on her friend Anthea’s page.
- Your friend who you thought you knew pretty well has shared the data from a 10k run they just did, describing it as being “good to dust off the old cobwebs” and “feels good to be alive”.
- A pair of shoes you touched in a shop precisely once and never spoke about to anyone are being advertised to you at a discounted rate. You are rightfully spooked but tempted to avail of the offer.
- Your mate’s ex-girlfriend is looking for accommodation recommendations in Amsterdam, purely to let everyone know that she is going to Amsterdam and also to drive her ex demented with curiosity about who she’s going with (she is going alone).
- JOE did a head swap video lol.
- Your friend’s cousin that you met once had an acai bowl for breakfast and also an oat milk latte. She doesn’t know this, but it was from a restaurant that was hit with a temporary closure order for improper hygiene standards late last year.
- Jack from Love Island got a haircut. It’s not sponsored or anything guys, just good to point out when someone’s done a good job yeah props to my boy Deano at Snip Snip Barbers. Pop in next time your barnet needs a tidy up. Peace.
- Your brother got some new shoes. He will forego using Crep Protect because he is a self-described ‘absolute madman’.
- An attention-seeking girl from your old job stole a meme and is trying to pass it off as her own.
- Your friend’s Mum went for a fancy dinner and still doesn’t know how to turn the flash on when she’s taking a photograph. Even it’s impossible to decipher what the meal is, her sister still commented with “Yummy yummy! Looks lovely x”.
- A comedian promoted their upcoming tour using a poster which features them holding a microphone and looking at the camera with their shoulders shrugged and a confused expression on their face that suggests they are saying “idk lol wtf”.
- Your friend went to the gym and took a photo in front of the mirror again. He captioned it ‘Bulking not sulking’ and then used a bunch of hashtags like #mensfitness #hottiesofinstagram and #proteinking. Unfollow.
- Your old friend from Uni booked flights to New York in July. This will inevitably be followed up with a countdown post every day between now and then, followed by daily ‘Take me back’ posts when she returns.
- An influencer just wanted to ‘clear a few things up for everyone’, regarding a recent scandal that doesn’t involve her, but she needs to remain relevant. She also plugs a new social media consultancy lecture she’s giving and hopes that all 172 of her followers can come.
- The Jonas Brothers reminded everyone that they have all had sex now and would very much like people to download their new single so they can each purchase a new property.
- Your friend wants to know if you fancy getting drinks at the weekend. It will mostly involve him moaning about his recent breakup (two years ago) and how it has actually turned him into a better person in the long run, so he’s grateful.
- You’ve been added to a group called ‘Reunion Drinks’, where an eccentric friend from Uni has decided that you and nine other people you haven’t spoken to in ten years should all go for a drink together. You will never all agree on a date and it will eventually be forgotten.
- Mum wants to know how she can get the music to play from her phone into the car. Sue from yoga can do it and she told her she should be able to do it with her phone too.
- Your friend has a spare ticket to a shitty festival this summer and wants you to pay full price (including booking fee) for the pleasure of getting to see such artists as the Kaiser Chiefs and Nathan Carter.
- Your old boss wants to go for coffee for no particular reason, but also he heard that the company you work for is doing well and is there any way you could put in a good word for him.
- Your sister has sent you a meme that is four years old (25 in internet years) which pertains to her being the favourite child and you being adopted.
- A past lover wants to know if you’re still up. Just kidding, they never think about you anymore.
- Your friend is eager to hear how your day has been, purely so that she can write a 700-word paragraph detailing the mundanity of her life when you return the question.
- Your best friend has sent you a voice note about nothing in particular, but it does feature an impromptu rant about how cyclists are very selfish road-users, and a request for dinner suggestions that take four minutes to assemble and require eggs as the sole ingredient.
- Dad wants to know if you’ve seen Mum’s message about getting music to play from her phone to her car.
