It is with a heavy heart we must announce that the Americans are at it again
A man in New Jersey was arrested and charged after he was caught on CCTV purposely spilling ice on the floor, then pretending to slip on it.
The footage, in every sense of the word, is glorious:
This New Jersey man was arrested after allegedly throwing ice on the ground and faking a slip and fall #NiceTry https://t.co/ghvDwBPGtN pic.twitter.com/FkZ3PbmzoT
— Eyewitness News (@ABC7NY) January 31, 2019
57-year-old Alexander Goldinsky carried out his almost foolproof plan in the break room of a company in Woodbridge where he was subcontracted to work.
He possibly would’ve gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for the close to perfect CCTV footage that foiled his plans which involved filing a false insurance claim for the ambulance service and hospital treatment he received for his non-injuries.
Let’s break down this Oscar-worthy performance scene by scene to get a real sense of appreciation for Alexander’s methods.
Act I, Scene I – The Setup
You can tell that this was a premeditated move as Alexander heads directly for the cup dispenser. He knows what size to pick straight away and is clearly at ease, as evidenced by his backpack which is being supported by just one shoulder. Everyone knows that double-shouldering your bag is the act of a square, so it’s safe to assume that Alexander is a chill dude. Everything about the situation is unsuspecting at this point. Here lies a man helping himself to a cup and subsequently making his way over to the drinks machine. “He must be thirsty after doing some subcontracted work. He deserves this beverage”, you would think to yourself if you were present at this point. All is well.
Act I, Scene II – Obtaining The Weapon
Having secured the most irrelevant part of the plan (the cup), Alexander goes towards the drinks dispenser, immediately identifying the ice spout, which proves his familiarity with the machine. He’s very clearly been plotting this heinous act for a long time. After obtaining several ice cubes, it’s obvious that querying the necessity for a cup hasn’t even crossed Alexander’s mind. If he wanted to really sell this thing, it would’ve been more believable to think that the machine had simply spat out some ice cubes of its own volition in the ultimate act of sabotage, thereby providing the perfect circumstance for a fall. Why did Alexander use a cup to protect his hands from the ice? This is the mark of a man who is afraid of injury.
Act I, Scene III – A Final Thought
As Alexander gears himself up for mischief, he hesitates for a split second. Was he experiencing a moment of doubt, or was he simply trying to calculate the best angle to throw the ice cubes from? He walks a few steps away from the machine and then confidently turns to carry out the sickening act. His bag wobbles a bit, such is the furious commitment to his stance. Alexander is homicidally calm, there’s no way he’s backing out now. He’s already committed to the crime, having selected the appropriate sized cup, filling it with some ice cubes and then walking three steps away from the machine. If there was audio on this CCTV footage, it would still be as silent as it is now.
Act II, Scene I – Ice Ice Baby
Alexander The Great fully commits to his plan by determinedly chucking some ice on the ground. At a glance, I would estimate that there was roughly 15-20 cubes in the cup, which would’ve made quite an arresting sound hitting the ground. Again, Alexander’s failure to properly think things through is displayed. If anyone nearby had heard the cubes clattering off the ground, they may have come rushing in only to find him gently placing himself on the floor beside them. The whole thing could’ve been foiled thanks to his inattention to detail. The man is a jester. He has played himself from the very start.
Act II, Scene II – Disposing Of The Evidence
With all the determination of a serial killer wielding a bloodied knife, Alexander is quick to dispose of the evidence. He’s scrambling, almost putting the cup in the sink, but eventually steadies himself and locates the bin. He’s clearly practiced this sequence a thousand times, but now that it’s actually happening, he’s flustered. Alexander knows that he’s only halfway through the crime. The easy part is over, now he must stick to the ironclad plan if he wants to pull it off. At this moment, he’s experiencing what’s often referred to as the ‘offenders’ high’, a term I have just coined which means the inexplicably giddy demeanour one experiences when they are doing something unlawful.
Act II, Scene III – Hesitation
Alexander finds himself at the final hurdle and he’s overthinking everything. He’s trying to line himself up in the perfect position so as to trick people into believing that some ice cubes tripped him up, the unidentified item in his hand seems to be distracting him, as is his backpack. Alexander knows that if he fails to stick the landing, it’s over. His brain is in overdrive at this point and there’s practically steam coming out of his asshole. He keeps looking at the ground as if it’s going to offer up any last-minute reassurance. This is where his amateur level of criminal experience shines through. At this point, things could go either way. It’s not too late to call the whole thing off.
Act III, Scene I – The Burden Of Logistics
Visibly in crisis but determined to succeed, Alexander now has to figure out how to get himself on the ground without actually getting hurt. His quest for comfort was already laid down when he forewent using his bare hands to scatter the ice, such is his distaste for having cold handy-wandies. Like a toddler lowering their unsteady little chubby body onto the kitchen floor to retrieve some stale crumbs, Alexander preps himself for a fall, in the loosest sense of the term. From a technical point of view, it’s flawless. His back is straight, knees are slightly bent, shoulders back, the form is impeccable. If you’re going to purposely hit the ground, this is the way to do it. Chiropractors hate him!, etc.
Act III, Scene II – Let The Bodies (Gently) Hit The Floor
Alexander finally commits to his crime by very gently plodding himself onto the ground. His bottom makes contact first, followed by his legs, then back, similar to the way most people get into bed. The only difference is that Alexander’s bed in this instance is a court appearance that’s scheduled to take place next Thursday in New Brunswick Superior Court. In terms of the crime scene that Alexander is creating here, it’s a shambles. The area in which he has “fallen” is nowhere near the eventual puddle that the ice cubes are going to create, and the positioning will prove that. His thoughts at this point are likely to be “Here will do nicely”, “good thing there’s no CCTV around here, I’d look a right plonker” and “Might spend the money on a new water filtration system at home, the Brita just isn’t cutting it anymore”.
Act III, Scene III – The Final Resting Place
Satisfied with his incredibly poor positioning, Alexander lays himself to rest, ready to face whatever fate delivers. He twitches his legs a small bit to fine-tune his form, turning them to the right side to indicate how feeble the fall has left him. His hat flew off in what appears to be an act of God, which really adds a nice touch to the overall scene. It becomes clear as to why Alexander’s bag was on one shoulder from the outset – not to seem cool, but to facilitate its fall to the floor.
Imagine, if you will, working in that exact office and strolling up to the kitchen for a brew. You stumble upon the above scene and your immediate thought is surely “Right, that’s a dead body then”, followed by “Shit, is this my problem now?”, followed by “Hang on, why is there a small pile of ice roughly a football pitch length away from this man?”.
Regrettably, the CCTV footage doesn’t come with audio, but it’s fun to imagine that Alexander let out a tiny little bellow as he tenderly placed himself upon the floor, similar to the involuntary one you do as you’re having a really satisfying stretch after waking up. We may never know what happened after the video ends, but I like to imagine that nobody came to help, so Alexander had to peel himself off the floor, invent a fake limp and then explain to the first person he met that he had just slipped on some ice. They called an ambulance while the management reviewed the CCTV footage and then swiftly uploaded it to YouTube, ensuring the monetisation option was ticked, then forwarded it onto the police. Folks, this is peak 2019 and we are blessed to be witnessing it together.
Images via Twitter
