Look, we’re all absolute saddos at the end of the day.
Whether you’re staying in a hotel for work or as a treat, it always comes with the same approach. This isn’t home, it doesn’t feel like home, but you need to pretend that it is for a very short space of time.
Nobody acts normal in a hotel room, it’s an alien environment and should be treated as such. If you carry on like you would at home when you’re in a hotel, you are, I’m sorry to say, a sociopath.
You can learn a lot about your character based on the way you conduct yourself during a hotel stay. Mostly, you can work out how pathetic you really are.
Here’s seven things you’ve definitely done in a hotel, you absolute sad case.
1. Unnecessary Theft
As the bible says, ‘Let he who has stayed in a hotel but left the complimentary shampoo bottle behind cast the first stone’. There’s something about the giddy atmosphere in a hotel room that makes you want to steal anything that will fit in your carry bag. Dressing gowns, slippers, toiletries, even cups and saucers get a quick consideration before you leave. But do you truly need a half used bottle of all-in-one shampoo and conditioner? Does your house have space for another kettle? No, it doesn’t. You’re pathetic. You don’t always need to bring home the room keycard, by the way. It’s not a fun souvenir, it’s clutter. Get a grip. The biscuits can come though.
2. Breakfast Overindulgence
Firstly, anyone that deliberately forgoes a hotel breakfast in favour of more sleep is a psychopath, that is an ironclad fact. The most rational way to conduct yourself is to arrive down for breakfast at a reasonable hour, mostly to ensure that the best produce is still knocking around. You start with some cereal, perhaps a bowl of fruit for good measure and a couple of pastries. Next, the main event takes place. Obviously you’re ordering a fry up with an entire pot of coffee and eating yourself into a gentle coma. Anything that goes uneaten will be stealthily wrapped in a serviette and carted back to the hotel room for consumption at a later date. The end goal here is to have yourself filled with breakfast, regret and self-loathing. Mission accomplished.
3. Safe Overuse
It’s perfectly understandable that the concept of a safe would confuse many hotel guests as most of us have never come into contact with one in our living quarters before. It’s also perfectly pathetic that for some reason we all tend to put the most ridiculous shit into the safe because it’s an entirely overwhelming experience. Passports, yoghurts, toothpaste, jewellery, bank cards and small children can all be found in a hotel safe and that’s something that we, as a society, need to look at. What constitutes as an important belonging? Why do we not trust our room cleaners? They are in no way tempted by our shitty possessions, especially not our multipack of Nature Valley granola bars.
4. Newfound Religious Interest
Nobody knows why there’s always a bible in the bedside locker at the hotel, there just is. During your urgent rummage through the room, you’ll notice its presence and may even feel compelled to open it for some reason. Heck, you might even discover that you like it and become a religious fanatic by the end of your stay. On the other hand, curiosity can lead you to believe that a previous occupant of the room may have left a secret message in the book for you to decode, turning your seemingly innocuous stay at the hotel into a Dan Brown novel, complete with twists, turns and an abundance of religious iconography? Just kidding, obviously that isn’t the case. Get a grip. You’re pathetic.
5. Lowered TV Standards
The television selection in a hotel room is typically not great. You’re offered up a very standard package which consists of ITV, Sky One, Sky News and maybe BBC 1 and 2. Those that find it difficult to sleep anywhere that isn’t their own comfy bed may be faced with needing some televisual company at 3am, which means one thing – you’re going to be watching daytime TV reruns with the sign language guy. It’s often in this unfamiliar situation that you find yourself uncovering a deep-rooted love of Bargain Hunt, a show that you’d previously never even considered watching. Hotels mess with your mind, they make you believe things that aren’t true. Do not settle for Bargain Hunt. Read the bible instead, loser.
6. Reckless Phone Usage
There’s something about seeing an actual landline phone out in the wild that causes you to lose your damn mind in a hotel room. Particularly if you’re staying in the hotel with a group of people, you become addicted to ringing their room like some kind of sick pervert. Little queries that could easily be asked over WhatsApp become five-minute-long phone conversations, stemming from your inbuilt desire to never feel alone. You’ll pester reception for information that could easily be found in the welcome book beside the telly, hassling them to know what time breakfast stops being served and whether they have a human-shaped pillow they could send up to help you sleep. You tragic little soul. Leave them alone.
7. Minibar Boycott
You’re not a tight person, you enjoy spending money and you’re generous. But for reasons unknown, the second you enter a hotel room you put your spending habits on lockdown. You’ll gingerly check out the minibar, laughing to yourself at the type of weak natured person that would fall victim to such exorbitant items. ‘£4 for a bottle of water, I’d sooner stick my head down the toilet’, you remark to deafening silence. Then 2am rolls around and you’re drunk. You’re also peckish and rip your way through the entire fridge, even the peanuts ffs. You mentally plan to replace the items in the nearby supermarket to fool housekeeping into thinking you never touched anything. This plan escapes your mind until the exact moment you’re checking out and they ask ‘Any charges from the minibar?’, to which you reply, defeated, ‘Yes, all of them’. You’re pathetic. Get out of my sight.
