WARNING: WEIRD FEATHERLESS MONSTERS AHEAD
Sometimes in life a question pops into your head and you just can’t shake it. You might be wondering the exact height of Tom Cruise. You might be wondering how old the sun is. You might even be wondering if a polar bear could beat a great white shark in a fight, providing the contest took place over two legs on both land and sea and the shark had some sort of breathing apparatus.
Today, that question is suddenly “What do owls look like without feathers?”, brought to us by the brave journalistic exploits of Dana Schwartz.
Let me tell you what an owl looks like without feathers before I show you what an owl looks like without feathers, just so you know exactly what we are getting into. First, though, this is what a normal owl looks like, with feathers, because those are important:
Sure, it looks a bit angry, but overall it’s fine. It’s an owl. You know what an owl looks like. You know they bring letters to that little shit Harry Potter and you know they can turn their head 360 degrees. Owls are cool. We like owls.
Well you’re wrong. You’re dead wrong. We don’t like owls. We hate them. We just like their feathers. Without their feathers, and they are approximately 96% feathers as you will see, they are monsters. They are awful. We hate owls, actually.
Its head is suddenly tiny, without all those feathers, and its eyes, usually appropriately proportioned in relation to its big feathery head, are suddenly gigantic and vacant. They are looking at you. They are looking right at you. They are staring. The featherless demon owl is taking you in, weighing you up. Can it eat you? That’s what it is thinking. It would eat you if it could. Even though it can’t, it might still give you a good fucking pecking anyway. Its beak is very sharp, its head is very pointy, its feathers, its feathers are gone. They are not there. They are just not there.
It looks like a praying mantis crossed with a pack of frozen chicken thighs. It will watch you while you sleep. Its head can turn the entire way round. Remember that? That was cool before wasn’t it. Imagine this guy doing that to you. Yeah. Not cool anymore is it? A bit terrifying now, isn’t it? Yeah. Owls.
https://twitter.com/DanaSchwartzzz/status/818213520177332224
Conclusion: Owls need feathers. If you spot an owl without feathers, give it some. Please cover it in feathers so the children of your neighbourhood won’t wake up in the middle of the night and see this unholy demon from hell watching from a tree, hooting.
https://twitter.com/DanaSchwartzzz/status/818215481022812161
