Happy Winnie The Pooh Day to you and yours!
Also, sorry for ruining Winnie The Pooh Day for you and yours!
It’s the most wholesome day of the year, the one where we all get together and celebrate the birth of A.A. Milne, along with his famous inhabitants of Hundred Acre Wood. Once that’s done, we must then ruin everyone’s childhood by attempting to rank these precious characters from least to most horny.
The fact of the matter is, everything is horny on some level. From yoghurts to types of fabric, everything has a perceived level of sexual excitement. I won’t apologise for being mature enough to recognise that, nor should I.
With that in mind, I have ranked every Winnie The Pooh character from least to most horny. Thank you and once again, my sincerest apologies.
9. Eeyore
Eeyore isn’t horny, not right now. He’s going through a rough patch, struggling to find the motivation for anything at all, sexual desires included. The problem for Eeyore is that he’s not a huge amount of fun to be around, so when he regains his horniness, which he undoubtedly will, it’ll take a while for people to update their preexisting impressions of his manner. Imagine Eeyore being very horny. It’s a frightening thought, him luring victims home to touch his Hundred Acre Wood. It’s obscene, imagine Eeyore trying to get someone else to pin his tail on? It’ll never happen, not until Eeyore learns to love himself first. Chin up, buddy. Your time will come.
8. Owl
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He’s old and as a result, his horny days are truly behind him. Owl’s fake knowledge of worldly matters has led him to some questionable sexual encounters in the past, which landed him on the avian sex offenders register. Still, he’s comfortably adapted to his newfound sexless life, fully embracing his personality which is precisely that of Jay from The Inbetweeners. He’s no longer horny (by court-ordered law) so channels that energy into guiding the other Winnie The Pooh characters through their everyday endeavours, sexual or otherwise. Every day, Owl edges closer to his inevitable mortality. His horny days might be over, but Owl’s newest chapter in life, one that exclusively consists of involuntary celibacy, has only just begun.
7. Kanga
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Having recently birthed Roo, Kanga is far more concerned with tending to her newborn than sating her own sexual desires. She’s up all night, trying to register Roo for a good primary school close to home, breastfeeding (do kangaroos have tiddies?), updating her blog and handling press enquiries about the true identity of Roo’s father. Kanga will shortly regain her horniness in its entirety, but for now she’s operating at about 25%. Her last horny endeavour resulted in an offspring, so Kanga’s trepidation is entirely understandable at present. Rest assured, she’ll be hopping around the local dogging spot in no time.
6. Piglet
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Pooh’s best friend is afraid of everything, sexual encounters included. Piglet, although very young, has the voice of an elderly woman. It’s not a huge turn on for prospective sexual partners, nor himself. Although he craves the touch of another person, swine or otherwise, Piglet is too scared to express it. His horniness manifests itself in strange ways, such as a fondness for flesh-coloured sweater vests and wanting to play Poohsticks all the time. It’s not unreasonable to assume that on the very few occasions that Piglet climaxes, he absolutely one hundred percent shouts “Oh dear” at the top of his tiny little old woman voice.
5. Roo
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He’s an innocent little joey, but we need to accept that those pesky Heffalumps have corrupted him. Roo spends most of his time hanging around with those rambunctious elephant-like terrors and they’ve shown him naughty videos on the internet. “You’re never too young to develop your horn”, they told Roo as one of them hit play on Don Jon. As a result, Roo has taken on the role of a very horny joey, despite not fully understanding the concept of being horny just yet. It’s all bravado but it’s quite convincing. Last time Kanga asked him to change his bedclothes, Roo responded with “Yeah, they’re about ready to snap in half”, something the Heffalumps all found to be unbearably funny. I don’t get it, to be honest, nor does Roo.
4. Winnie
Despite his seemingly wholesome demeanour, Winnie The Pooh is rough and ready to go at a moment’s notice. Pooh doesn’t even wear pants, lest you need any further proof of his horniness. He’s guilty of sometimes eating his feelings, with the honey pot taking a bit of a beating on those cold and lonely nights, but Winnie’s spirits are rarely dampened. He’s on all of the usual dating apps, with a ballsy bio that reads ‘Try Pooh, it’s not the worst you could do’. He’s had little success, but confidence is proving to be key. Winnie was once so horny, he contemplated booty calling Kanga, but restrained himself to keep the peace in all of Hundred Acre Wood. Let’s just say his seams aren’t the only thing that burst from time to time.
3. Rabbit
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Falling right into the stereotype, Rabbit is insatiably horny. Although he tries to distract himself with gardening, cleaning and mediocre magic tricks, Rabbit finds his mind wandering to sexually deviant territories on a regular basis. He’s open to anything, often holding wild sex parties down in his vegetable garden, then retiring to his treehouse when things settle down. The residents of Hundred Acre Wood have complained about his lewd antics and received frustratingly little help from the authorities as it transpires that many of them are actually attendees of the aforementioned sex parties. Rabbit is untouchable, legally speaking, and rightfully uses it to his full advantage. He’s probably fucking right now and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
2. Christopher Robin
Look, I debated including this one in the list at all, but the fact of the matter is this: Christopher Robin is a furry. His imagination regularly runs wild with adventure when he’s playing with his unhealthy multitude of stuffed animals, which can only culminate in one thing – a lifetime membership in the Furry Fandom. Obviously this hasn’t fully taken hold of Christopher during the Winnie The Pooh adventures that we see in the books, this is more of a prediction about what the future holds for him despite him being an age progression-less character. You cannot, in good faith, sit there and tell me that Christopher Robin isn’t going to grow up with a fondness for having relations with stuffed animals. I stand by my feelings, but also deeply apologise.
1. Tigger
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Obviously OBVIOUSLY Tigger is the horniest Winnie The Pooh character. His chaotic sexual energy manifests itself in an incessant bouncing action that has driven the entirety of Hundred Acre Wood demented. He can’t even say his own name in its simplest form, such is the grasp his horn has upon him. Tigger regularly rubs people up the wrong way with his fidgety antics, refusing to sit still for a moment lest the day become wasted with sexual inactivity. If Tigger could have things his way, he’d be boning 24/7, only taking a break to replenish his energy with a dangerous mix of Red Bull, Gatorade and Berocca. He’s fucked all of the other characters, even Owl. Tigger’s sights are set on bigger things for 2019. He’s going after the Teletubbies.
