Bloody hell, chaps. Bloody hell.
Being on the internet and that, you get used to seeing some odd shit. What the average man on the street might consider to be a big sack of wiggly weird snakes, we consider mere mealworm. But this, this trips over into the Premier League of proper madness.
It’s an advert, posted on Facebook Marketplace, by the look of things. The item in question costs £100 (or nearest offer) and is a rug. A rug. A normal, everyday rug that you might have in your lounge or perhaps in a spacious kitchen. Why are we interested in this normal, everyday rug?
Because it’s made of a dog. But friends, that is not all. There is so much more to this dog rug.
https://twitter.com/jungleplatoon/status/899655241104326656
Okay. Whoa. Whoa there, Fido. There’s a lot to unpack here.
“had our dog turned in to a rug when he died.”
Fucking hell, you’re just leaping in with that? Not gonna ease us in? A simple “Hey, I know this is a bit weird, but…” would not have gone amiss here. You can’t just lurch in with that, as though having your dog turned into a rug is a slightly wacky but not totally unheard of thing to do to your dearly departed pooch.
“treasured family pet.”
Normally this means burying the dead dog in the back garden or keeping its ashes on the mantle piece, or maybe, maybe having a portrait commissioned or getting it stuffed, if you belong to a certain social hierarchy. It does not seem fitting to honour your faithful friend for its many years of love and companionship by tripping on its face and spilling hot Bovril all over its lifeless body.
“has to be sold as new dog keeps trying to hump it.”
Of course. There had to be a good reason for selling your dog rug after committing to the act of turning a once living thing into a piece of carpet, and that reason would have to be either: falling on incredibly hard times, necessitating the sale of all valuables and curio; having an excess of dog rugs and needing to offload a few of them; some sort of voodoo curse; or as in this instance, another randy pooch desecrating the memory of your former best friend.
“lookin for 100 pound ono.”
Anyone who’s ever watched Antiques Roadshow or Bargain Hunt will be familiar with the phrase ‘sentimental value’. The valuers and experts use this as a polite way of saying: “This is worthless shite, but since your granny bought it for you before she was killed in that forklift accident, you don’t have to bin it immediately.” This has lots of sentimental value. It’s riddled with it.
“very cosy and unusual piece”
Can’t quite get used to the idea of cozying up to the sterilised corpse of a dog, really. It’s a bit too, what’s the word… unusual.
“x”
The whole advert is beautifully casual for something that really belongs in the back pages of a weird magazine that went out of print in 1987, and the kiss is the perfect sign off. “I’ll be late home for tea, sorry x”, “Haha, anyway I need some sleep, night x”, “Had my dog turned into a rug, £100 ono, let me know x”
In short, this is the greatest advert of all time and we should all enter into an enormous bidding war for what will surely be the must-have Christmas present for 2017.
Dog Rug! In all good stores now.
