Look, someone had to do it.
Celebrities: They’re just like you and I. If you and I decided to turn our efforts to absolutely everything in a bid to get some of that sweet sweet cash.
Every year we’re treated to the timely arrival of music from some of our favourite famous folk, particularly in the lead up to Christmas. Regardless of the quality of the audio, it’s the imagery that sets shoppers alight and can really make the difference between getting selected as the perfect gift for someone’s Mum or not.
The criteria for this list is simple, the album must be produced by a celebrity that is not primarily known for their singing ability. The covers will be ranked by their convincingness regarding the celebrity’s apparent excitement for music. If he/she has more than one album, the most recent one will be used.
With that in mind, here’s the definitive ranking of celebrity album covers, from least to most apparent horn for their own music.
12. Hugh Laurie – Didn’t It Rain
Laurie’s horniness doesn’t extend much further than the tiny piano in this album cover, so that’s precisely why he’s landed himself in last place. Sure, pianos give him some kicks, but we can barely see his presumably seduction-ridden face while he has it buried in that comically small instrument.
This particular album reached #3 in the UK album chart, while his debut album ‘Let Them Talk’ got to #2. Is that because there was a disconnect between the consumer and Laurie’s convincing them that he feels a deep horn for his music? It’s not unreasonable to assume so. Just look at that posture, ffs.
11. Phillip Schofield – Close Every Door
There’s external forces at work here. Schofield is horny, but it’s not for the music. His eyes are glossy with distraction. He’s feeling strongly towards something and unfortunately we may never know precisely what that is, nor do we deserve to. Those slightly parted lips speak a thousand words, all of them ‘horn’.
Phillip has closed every door. He’s onto the next thing in this cover. Although it’s technically a single as opposed to an album, we still need to treat it with the same stringent factors as every other cover artwork. Is that the face of a man that is horny for music? No. He is horny for a multicoloured jacket.
10. Noel Edmonds – Positively Tranquil
The horniest part about this album cover is how the typeface has created such a sensual letter ‘Q’. In terms of Edmonds himself, no. Absolutely not. It’s a combination of his chirpy demeanour, piercing eye contact and awkwardly folded hands. He’s here to do a job, not feel inappropriate feelings towards music.
Noel Edmonds is a pure man, he won’t allow the full extent of his horn to be photographed. This album isn’t about music, it’s about feeling good. If you purchase and subsequently listen to it, you’re going to be soothed and experience positive thoughts. Edmonds can’t feel horny about that. It simply wouldn’t be right.
9. Alexander Armstrong – In A Winter Light
Merry Christmas from the guy off Pointless. Here is an album that will fill you with festive cheer and a rollicking good time. How does he feel about the music? He’s amused by it, but not particularly horny for it. This is some good, clean, wholesome, family fun for all.
Armstrong’s playful smile dissolves any suspicion that he’s got any untoward feelings about the music on this album. He’s perched beside a perfectly decorated Christmas tree – he is the epitome of purity. That waist coat, however, speaks an entirely different story. Who knows what might happen after midnight once the B-sides get going.
8. Len Goodman – Len’s Legends: Best Of British
Len’s got a cheeky look in his eye that suggests he knows he should be exhibiting a certain level of horniness for this album, as is his job, but his smile assures us that he simply won’t lower himself to the industry’s insistence that sex sells. Len is a good man. He respects himself too much.
The title ‘Best of British’ does the talking, as Len is merely a mandatory paint stroke upon a blank canvas. If Len had his way, he’d be singing every track on the album because he knows that he is the very best of Britain. His tie is proof enough. Len Goodman shuns his music horn because he doesn’t need it to sell albums.
7. Jason Manford – A Different Stage
Manford is a bit bloody horny for music in this album cover, there’s no denying it. He’s dressed up nicely, he’s taken the music to a fancy place and he’s going to respectfully and consensually put the moves on it if the time comes. Jason Manford likes this music and he believes that the feeling might be mutual.
His hands are both hidden, so we can’t go full Edmonds on them. But look at the rest of his body language, a playful smile, one bent knee, gazing to his left. He sees the future and it’s him, this album and a bottle of 1976 reserve Cabernet Sauvignon. Manford feels it and he needs you to buy this bloody album in bulk so you can feel it too.
6. Alistair McGowan – The Piano Album
Selfishly, Alistair has produced an album that is solely for the enjoyment of pianos, but we need to set that bizarre decision aside and look at the artwork objectively. He’s besotted with whatever is outside that window. Is it Hugh Laurie from #12 with his teeny tiny piano? I’d like to think so.
Either way, McGowan is experiencing a sizeable horn for his music in this image. He’s tenderly clutching some music notes in one hand whilst staring intently out the window, imagining a future together, just himself and those sick, sick beats. I’d buy this album based on the image alone. He really fancies music.
5. Nick Knowles – Every Kind Of People
Knowles is lucky to crack the top 5 here with such an ill-fitting t-shirt, but I’m willing to overlook it on this occasion. Look at that charming little Nick Knowles smile. He’s a scamp. That guitar probably isn’t even in tune but that doesn’t mean he can’t put a tender hand draped across the top of it.
Nick Knowles is horny for the music on this album. He can’t even look you in the eye for fear of blushing. His protruding clavicle feels it too. Although this album was released in early November, Nick can’t possibly clothe himself more suitably because he is too hot. Too hot for this album. BUY IT NOW.
4. Shane Richie – A Country Soul
Never before in the history of album covers has such an intense level of eye contact felt so right. Shane Riche has made an album and can’t, no WON’T shy away from it. He’s horny for the music, it’s coursing through his veins in this very photograph. His eyes are glistening with intent. He wants you to feel it too.
Alfie Moon is gone, forget about him. Now focus your attention on Shane Richie because he demands it. You’re going to buy this album for your Gran for Christmas because she deserves to feel these things too. Tell her to open the present when you’ve left the house because her reaction won’t be something you’re going to want to see.
3. Bradley Walsh – When You’re Smiling
Brad can’t even keep himself upright, so great is his horniness for the music that he is providing you with should you purchase this album. His smirk is open to interpretation, but I think we’re all going to deduce the same thing from it – the man has an insatiable horn for music.
He’s looking away from you because he’s shy. Bradley Walsh might be a boisterous character on telly, but when it’s just him and the music, you better believe he feels insecure. He can’t concentrate, his mind is ten minutes ago when he was putting the finishing touches on this album, which by the way, he is horny for.
2. Terry Wogan – Terry Wogan
Wow. Open a window if necessary because this album cover is steamy. Sir Terence was but a young man when he posed for this image which is sure to stand the test of time. Such a direct line of eye contact should be illegal to display in music shops pre-watershed, but we also need to remember that this was taken in a different age.
Wogan oozes undeniable horn, despite his attire’s church boy essence. He’s owning the horn, embracing it and letting you know that he knows you’re feeling it too. This isn’t an album, it’s basically porn. Buy it if you want, but be warned that you can’t return it if you find it too much to handle. That’s on you, pal.
1. Mr. Blobby – The Album
Take some time to settle yourself after seeing this album cover, I know I will. Such a bold choice of pose from Mr. Blobby, as he is blatantly mid-coitus with the album itself. You cannot and will not deny the palpable horn that this man is exhibiting on the cover of his record. Goodness. You can practically smell it.
When I begun to compile this list, the first spot was always no-brainer from the outset. Mr. Blobby is the king of Music Horn Displaying album covers. Look at his face. His arms are erect in elation, his eyelids heavy with pleasure, mouth gaping wide with glee. This is what horniness looks like. This is music. This is Blobby.
