You have to admit, ‘Dear Leader who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have’ is pretty catchy.
Chairman of the Workers’ Party of (North) Korea Kim Jong-un may end up having the pretty impressive title of ‘Ender of the Human Race and Planet Earth’, but his dad was the don when it comes to magnificent official monikers.
The former leader of North Korea is rarely referred to as simply Kim Jong-il in his homeland. He amounted no fewer than 54 special titles during his reign, which were developed by the Central Committee of the Workers’ Party.
But which of these titles is the very best? Sure, it might be nice to be referred to as a ‘Father of the People’, but sometimes you’re feeling more like an ‘Amazing Politician’ or a ‘Great Man, Who Is A Man Of Deeds’, or a Samantha.
I’ve ranked these 54 titles from worst to best because honestly, someone had to.
54. Leader
Bit boring, certainly not the best offering that Kim had at his disposal, and one that he was likely reluctant to settle on. Apparently this particular title became common after Kim Il-sung’s death which was in 1994, so it’s a bit stale a cool 24 years later. Look, it’s fine, but the best is yet to come.
53. General
Again, it’s lacklustre. When someone’s giving you a title, ‘General’ isn’t as punchy as you’d want. In school, our main office was called the general office, so it feels a bit boring for me personally. General was one of the most common titles used for Kim Jong-il, so naturally it’s going to get a low placement on the list. Soz.
52. Great Leader
We get it, you’re a leader. Oh, but you’re great at it? Cool. Any leader worth their salt wants to be described as ‘great’, but that’s the bare minimum you’re going to accept. How are my leadership skills? Please use a thesaurus if the best evaluation you can give them is ‘great’, thanks.
51. Great General
Again, we’re still on the ‘great’ issue. Look, it’s a fine title. But trust me, there’s a lot jucier to come.
50. Dear Leader
Now we’re getting somewhere. He’s not just a leader, he’s not just a great leader, he is a dear leader. Not to be confused with a Deer Leader, who was missing at the time of Bambi’s mother’s slaying, this is a different title altogether. Dear Leader is a decent, but not incredible title.
49. Dear Father
Calling anyone including your Dad ‘father’ is a touch creepy, but this is North Korea, so we must respect their terms of endearment. If you were extremely powerful and had 54 titles at your disposal, would Dear Father be top of your list? No. Nor should it be.
48. Savior
This one is quite dramatic. A saviour is someone that saves people from danger or difficulty. Basically, Batman was a saviour. Would you rather be referred to as saviour or Batman? I’m going with Batman every single time, personally.
47. Great Defender
He’s not a decent defender, he’s not just a good defender, he is a great one. Kim Jong-il was the Gerard Pique of North Korea. He would’ve married and had two kids with Shakira if he had the chance, we all would.
46. His Excellency
This title is a bit too The Crown for me, and potentially Jong-il himself. It feels a touch sarcastic and lacks the conviction of the titles that are to follow. He was apparently excellent, sure. Also a Leader, Great Leader, General, Great General and Batman.
45. Great Marshal
Not only was he the highest rank in the armed forces, but he was allegedly a great one at that. Something about the word ‘great’ always feels quite sarcastic, especially if you hear it in Hugh Grant’s voice.
44. Peerless Leader
This one is very sad. It sounds like Kim Jong-il didn’t have anyone around him, nobody to go for chips at 2am with, nobody to send ugly Snapchats to. It paints a tragic picture of a man that was so engulfed in leading people, he didn’t get a chance to make friends. 1 like = 1 respect.
43. Father of the Nation
Again with the father thing. Unless Kim birthed the entire population of North Korea, this doesn’t make sense. Sure, Phillip Schofield is the Father of the Nation here in the UK, but that’s because I just decided so, not because he self-appointed it.
42. Father of the People
This one goes a step further than nation and I won’t stand for it. Most people have a minimum of one father, and are quite content with the current setup. North Koreans might be adverse to their new father, they might prefer their original one or have someone else in mind, like Len Goodman.
41. Bright Sun of Juche
Juche means self-reliance, so that’s a nice concept. But can a concept be in possession of a sun, let alone a bright one? Logic was abandoned roughly eight titles ago in this list, so I’m just going off sounds at this point. This one sounds like Sean Connery trying to say ‘bright son of juice’.
40. Guiding Sun Ray
I’ve never known a ray of sunlight to guide anything, it usually just creates a blinding haze that causes you to squint, thereby adding further wrinkles to your impending allocation in future years. The leader of North Korea guided people like a ray of sunshine. Got it? Ok, good.
39. Commander-in-Chief
We get it. You’re in charge.
38. Supreme Leader of the Nation
Again, the clarification is unnecessary. During the years of 1994-2011, Kim Jong-il was in charge of North Korea. He was the leader of the nation. Nobody is disputing that. No amount of adjectives are going to make it any more true than it is.
37. Beloved Father
Homeboy was really trying to hammer home the whole father thing and frankly, it’s working. KJI was the Daddy of North Korea, that is a fact.
36. Sun of the Nation
This title would be defunct in the UK because there is simply no sun in this nation. However, North Korea gets an average of 7.2 hours of sun each day, so it’s a pretty clever title. 7 out of 24 hours a day, Kim Jong-il illuminated the nation.
35. Great Sun of the Nation
Step aside Sun of the Nation, there is a Great Sun of the Nation in town and he means business. His illumination is far greater than that of his counterparts, for he is the best. This task is exhausting and I regret ever starting it.
34. The Great Sun of Life
Not enough is it to be the sun nor great sun of a nation, one must encompass all of life itself when one is a leader. The saying about men buying sports cars to compensate for the shortcomings of their manhood springs to mind, tbh.
33. Bright Sun of the 21st Century
Oh ffs we get it, you are the sun. Not only a great one, but a bright one of not only the nation nor life, but the entire 21st Century as a whole. Congratulations, truly. If ‘The King of Everything’ was on this list, I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised.
32. Great Sun of the 21st Century
Sometimes you’re not feeling so bright, but that doesn’t mean you’re not great. That’s the lesson I’m learning here today. Basically, if you’re in charge of North Korea, no adjectives or metaphors are off limits. You can invent titles if you want to, go nuts.
31. Sun of Socialism
For those that are playing bingo, you should have a full house by now. Kim Jong-il was the sun of everything, basically. Got that? Ok, great. Let’s move on.
30. Sun of the Communist Future
Sorry before we move on from the sun, it would appear that he was also the sun of the future as well. Not the future as a whole, just the communist part of it. Cool.
29. Fate of the Nation
Now we’re getting somewhere. Although fate is an uncontrollable thing, such was the greatness of this leader that he himself embodied all that fate is. Anything that ever happens to the nation of North Korea from this point on will henceforth be attributed to Kim Jong-il.
28. Unique Leader
This seems like a sick burn by whoever came up with the title, which I respect deeply. They were asked what they thought of Kim Jong-il’s leadership skills and somehow mustered up the courage to say ‘unique’.
27. Respected Leader
Again, a touch of a sick burn here. The title doesn’t particularly shed any light on his skills nor effectiveness as a leader, it merely lets us know that he was respected. Even Logan Paul is respected by at least one person.
26. Mastermind of the Revolution
A mastermind is someone that is extremely intelligent. Last year, a North Korea expert determined that Kim Jong-il had a mid-high IQ level. Does that make him a mastermind? Probably not. But would that information have stopped him from using the aforementioned title? Again, probably not.
25. Beloved and Respected General
To get your Kim Jong-il title, simply pick a selection of words from the above 25 titles and mash them all together. Mine’s Unique Commander Sun Father Excellency.
24. Leader of the 21st Century
We get it dude, you were in charge. Frankly, I’m amazed that the number of titles attributed to KJI is as low as 54. Based on what I’m seeing on this list, they could’ve easily beefed it up to a respectable 400 with the help of an imaginative child.
23. Beloved and Respected Leader
These are all starting to sound the same now. I am losing the will to live. This was a terrible idea. Kim Jong-il was the leader of North Korea. Get it? Got it? Good.
22. World leader of the 21st Century
Poetic licence played a key role here. He was A world leader, but was he THE world leader? No. As we all know, the leader of the free world throughout the 21st century is Gemma Collins.
21. Guiding Star of the 21st Century
‘Guiding Star’ sounds like a song off a Coldplay album that they got Beyoncé to perform with them once at a charity gig and have to spend the rest of their performative lives explaining to crowds that she won’t be singing it with them ever again because it was a once off.
20. Wise Leader
Hi it’s Kim Jong-il here. Did I forget to let you know that on top of everything else, I am also wise? Because I am extremely wise. They used to call me Kim Jong Know-It-All in school, such was the depth of how wise I was then and still am now, only from the grave.
19. Shining Star of Paektu Mountain
Paektu Mountain is an active volcano that’s over 9000ft high, as was the person that came up with this title. Why limit your shining star’s reach to one single mountain. Surely ‘Shining Star of the Whole World and All Who Inhabit It’ would’ve covered more ground?
18. Leader of the Revolutionary Armed Forces
Yeah that’s fair enough, Kim Jong-il became Commander-in-Chief of the Korean People’s Army. Were they revolutionary? That’s up for debate, but this might be one of the most realistic titles we’ve seen on this list, so that’s exciting.
17. Guarantee of the Fatherland’s Unification
This title sounds like a card you receive in a localised version of Monopoly, one that has a lot of farms on the board and underlying tensions between the townspeople. Community Chest cards have truly never been so salty.
16. Symbol of the Fatherland’s Unification
Same as above, except this time it’s one of the pieces you use for the game. The symbol is a tiny ‘Get Off My Lawn’ sign. Everyone will fight to get to use that or the dog.
15. Great Leader of our Party and of our Nation
It’s succinct and slightly less braggy than some alternatives we’ve seen so far. Also, if you choose to interpret ‘party’ in the literal sense, that’s a pretty cool title that KJI has gotten for himself. The role involves making jelly shots and bribing the neighbours with fancy bottles of wine in exchange for their silence.
14. Eternal General Secretary of the Party
This is a role that has lasted a lifetime, long after Kim Jong-il’s passing. Not only does he continue to arrange the parties, but he still attends both in spirit and in spirits.
13. Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander
If there’s a comma in the title, you know it’s a good one. This beauty lets you know that Kim Jong-il was always victorious in every pursuit, he never even lost a game of Solitaire, pal. But also, what about his will? Well it was made of iron, silly. No further questions.
12. Glorious General, Who Descended From Heaven
Where did this guy come from? Well one night, his paren- NO! HE DESCENDED FROM HEAVEN YOU IDIOT. Also, as far as generals go, he is glorious.
11. Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradeship
This one reads like a LinkedIn profile where someone has a fairly standard job but they’ve beefed up their title and workload to make it sound like they are the king or queen of all of humanity. This title has 17 syllables, ffs.
10. Invincible and Triumphant General
Short and to the point, just like Kim Jong-il himself. It let the spectators know that the man they were about to witness was both invincible and triumphant, but also a general.
9. Party Central Committee
This reads like the Facebook profile of an absolute LAD who can’t get enough of those sweet sweet beers. He has appointed himself as the head of all parties because one simply cannot take place without his attendance.
8. Leader of the Party, the Country and the Army
This title is the most honest one on the list, but it lacks a certain pizazz that the others provide. It needs a small bit of exaggeration to take it from a 9.5 to a solid 10. Might I suggest ‘Epic Leader of the Party to End All Parties, the Best Country Ever and the Army That Is Good’.
7. Brilliant Leader
Now we’re going places. Previously, we’ve had Respected Leader and Unique Leader, which were blatant sick burns. But Brilliant Leader shuts up all the naysayers by evaluating his efforts, which we’re being told were brilliant. Bonus points if you say it in Ron Weasley’s whispery pre-pubescent voice: ‘Bwillient’.
6. Great Man, Who is a Man of Deeds
This one lets you know that Kim Jong-il was great, but also a man of action. What actions were those? None of your bloody business, that’s what. All you need to know is that he was great. Stop being so nosy you title-less swine.
5. Great Man, Who Descended From Heaven
We’ve previously heard of a Glorious General Who Descended From Heaven, but did you also know that he was a good man as well? Because he definitely was. It’s hard to settle on such a limp evaluation as ‘great’, so the logic behind this one is that you distract people by also letting them know that he came from heaven.
4. Leader of the Party and the People
This title also gets awarded to the person at pre-drinks that successfully rounds up everyone into a taxi to head into town. He/she will subtly carry out a headcount, then order the corresponding number of cabs to fit everyone. It’s a thankless job, but at least now it has an official title.
3. Amazing Politician
That Kim Jong-il was the leader of North Korea, but how were his political skills? Well might it interest you to know that he was an AMAZING POLITICIAN? Because thanks to the existence of this official title, now we can put our minds at ease.
2. Dear Leader, Who is a Perfect Incarnation of the Appearance that a Leader Should Have
Clocking in at a beefy 15 words, this title is by far the longest one on the list, but also the second best. I can’t help but imagine that the inventor of this title, a die-hard Kim Jong-il fan once overheard a skeptic saying that his appearance wasn’t very suited to that of a leader, so he/she basically subtweeted the person by coming up with this insane title. Take that, troll.
1. Superior Person
It says so much by saying so little. Kim Jong-il’s number one title informs the masses that he believed himself to be infinitely better than everyone else. Such brazen confidence has to be acknowledged on this list. We’ve heard how he was the Sun of many things, invincible, triumphant, beloved and respected, but now we know that, in a nutshell, he was superior. Truly, we will never see his kind again.
