7 things that will definitely happen before the transfer window shuts

We’re right in the eye of the transfer window storm, now folks.

There’s almost a month left to go and up and down the land managers’ phones are ringing off the hook, agents are pushing their clients, players are hoping for that big money move and fans are lapping up the news from Big Jim White on Sky Sports News AITCH CUE.

But if you’ve seen one transfer window, you’ve seen ’em all. That’s how we know exactly what will happen before the window SLAMS shut at the end of the month. Here’s what our crystal ball is telling us:

1) Arsenal get linked with loads of exciting players, end up signing Jonny Evans

Arsenal have been mentioned in the same breath as some truly exciting stars this summer, and that’s not going to stop over the next few weeks. Prepare to read plenty of stories about the Gunners “closing in” on stars like Julian Draxler, Alexandre Lacazette, Riyad Mahrez, Shkodran Mustafi and so on and so forth.

So expect a late deadline day deal for Jonny Evans, then. And possibly a panicky return for Kim Kallstrom, just for the lols.

2) Pogba.

Pogba, Pogba, Pogba. It’s got to happen. Jose Mourinho wants it to happen and what Jose wants…

Plus the United boss keeps giving teasey little hints about it, like a parent who has already bought and wrapped the new PlayStation but will only respond with “we’ll see” and a twinkle in the eye every time their child asks if they can have one for Christmas.

"We will sign one more player!" Mourinho targets one more summer signing. 👀 https://t.co/wbUitHESix

— Football on TNT Sports (@footballontnt) August 3, 2016

3) Adnan Januzaj joins Sunderland on loan

John O’Shea, Wes Brown, Jonny Evans, Danny Welbeck, Dwight Yorke, Liam Miller, Phil Bardsley. Manchester United are in a very real sense Sunderland’s feeder club. And who have United got in return? David Bellion. Hardly fair. And the one-sided nature of this relationship could well continue this summer with Adnan Januzaj.

Here’s why: his mentor David Moyes is now at Sunderland, Januzaj isn’t good enough for United, but is surely good enough for a mid-table side, United want rid. He’ll be holding up that red and white scarf before you know it.

4) Southampton sign someone you’ve never heard of and he turns out to be player of the season

Southampton defy logic every year. Each summer a host of their best players are sold to bigger paying Premier League rivals, forcing Saints to replace them with overseas unknowns and prospects from their academy. And each year, they turn out to be just as good as the players they replaced. Expect the same this season – and expect the players in question to all sign for Spurs and Liverpool next summer.

5) Everton sign someone useless for a fortune

Everton have cash now. Loads of it, apparently, after moneybags investor Farhad Moshiri bought a stake in the club. So to announce their arrival on the we’re-considerably-richer-than-yaou stage, expect them to shell out millions on a very questionable signing, just cos they can.

And expect that same player to sink so far without trace he won’t even get a squad number next season. Actually, maybe that is a bit outlandish…

https://twitter.com/evertonfcforum/status/760864181709144065

6) Hull City fail to sign anyone – not even a new manager

One thoroughly depressed Hull fan listed all the problems the club currently has in this handy guide.

With no manager and an owner who only seems to care about getting the name of the club officially changed to ‘Hull City Tigers’, don’t expect too many new signings on Humberside.

7) Deadline day MEGABANTZ!!

The following words, phrases and pictures will trend on Twitter, to the amusement of exactly no one:

• Jim White
• Harry Redknapp, car window
• Peter Odemwingie, car park
• My mate’s dad is a security guard at Arsenal/Man United/Chelsea/insert as appropriate
• Pictures of old fax machines
• Pictures of helicopters

Jim White's made a career out of just happening to be on shift when Man City signed Robinho

— James Dutton (@jrgdutton) February 1, 2016

Oh God, please someone make it stop. It hasn’t been funny for five years.