Woodward and Van Gaal – An EXCLUSIVE (and possibly fake) transcript of their final meeting

Nooruddean Choudry

The manager now knows his fate.

Despite the rest of the world being aware of the rumours since Saturday, Louis van Gaal was only informed of his sacking on Monday morning.

The 64-year-old and his entire Dutch coaching team have been ditched, and they are said to be livid. According to reports, they had already started preparing for next season.

Here at JOE, we have been given exclusive access to a top secret transcript of the moment Ed Woodward informed Van Gaal that his services were no longer required. If is seems unbelievable, that’s because it is.

This is how is all went down at Carrington (allegedly)…

EW: Thanks for coming in Louis. I assume you know why you’re here…

LvG: I most certainly do.

EW: Ah right, good. I mean, that should make this far easier…

LvG: I am not a fool, Edwin. Kindly proceed with your offer.

EW: For the last time it’s Ed, or Edw…wait, what?

LvG: The contract extension.

EW: No, no Louis, I’m afraid it’s…

LvG: Do not be coy, Ted. After my title win in the FA Cup you are wanting more of the same. I must however insist on no more than two years.

EW: No, Louis no! That’s not…

LvG: Please respect my wishes. Truus and I very much enjoy Manchester and the delightful Wings restaurant but we have our retirement home in Portugal waiting for us.

EW: Louis, I’m afraid I called you here to relieve you of your duties.

LvG: My duties?

EW: Yes. We want to bring Jose Mourinho in.

LvG: Really? [Pause] And he is happy with this arrangement?

EW: Yes, yes he is. Very much so.

LvG: This is excellent news!

EW: What? How?

LvG: It is true that my duties have been a burden upon me, but I did not think Jose would accept a junior role to assist me. The protege must be eager to learn more from his old teacher!

EW: Louis, please understand. It’s Jose in, and…you out?

LvG: Edwin.

EW: It’s Ed…

LvG: Edwin, are you disposing of me?

EW: Yes, yes I’m afraid we are. Listen I know the timing isn’t great, but…

LvG: This is unacceptable! I am Louis van Gaal! You cannot sack me!

EW: Louis, I know this is difficult. We’ll ensure that you financially re…

LvG: PLEASE EGBERT! GET OUT!

EW: I’ll…well, I’ll let you get used to the idea. Again, I’m very sorry things didn’t wor…

LvG: OUT! PLEASE!

EW: Very well.

[Ed Woodward leaves the room. He returns shortly afterwards]