20. Bournemouth
What is this? It looks more like a Pantene advert than the crest of a Premier League football club. Also that header is only going to go backwards – the person in this badge is scoring an own goal, which is appropriate, because that’s what the badge itself is.
19. Burnley
So what it looks like has happened here is that Burnley have taken one crest, and then put that crest inside another crest to create some weird Russian doll-type job. Why are there so many animals? What are those bees doing there? Why is there a lion trapped under some stairs? Nightmare.
18. Stoke
There’s nothing really wrong with Stoke’s badge at all, it’s just a bit boring isn’t it? They could have at least put a pot on it. Or a picture of Stanley Matthews’ face.
17. Swansea
In the words of Mr. Peter Ian Staker from Hot Fuzz: “I mean, it’s a swan.”
16. Hull
This is actually a pretty nice badge, but it only exists because of Assem Allam’s desire to commercialise Hull City (remember the whole Hull Tigers thing?). Because of that, this badge loses points.
15. Watford
Why the fuck is there a moose on it? That moose is definitely lost. Someone should probably report it or something.
14. Sunderland
The crest bit in the middle looks like a seven-year-old’s tried to do a jigsaw and got it all a little bit wrong. The lions also look a bit like they’re crying in pain, probably because they’ve spent their entire lives watching Sunderland play football.
13. West Ham
The whole “London” thing is pretty tacky and definitely seems to be focused towards bringing more tourists to the club. With this and the fancy new squeaky clean Olympic Stadium too, the Hammers are in danger of losing some of their old east London identity.
12. Manchester City
Better than their old logo, which for some reason was a deeply distressed-looking eagle with a crest for a body, but we all know it’s only been changed so that Man City, New York City and Melbourne City’s crests all look basically the same.
11. Middlesbrough
It’s weird that so many English football clubs have lions on their logos when there are no lions in England, isn’t it? Anyway, this badge is alright.
10. Leicester
Smart logo, good colours – this is a solid mid-table finish for Leicester – which is probably a bit of a disappointment to their fans these days.
9. Chelsea
That lion’s definitely got a broken neck, hasn’t it? Either way it’s a good logo – much better than the weird car crash they had under Ken Bates.
8. Crystal Palace
It’s got an eagle on it, and it’s got the actual Crystal Palace too, so that’s two big fat ticks right there. Hopefully the badge isn’t drawn to scale though, because otherwise that eagle is fucking terrifying.
7. Manchester United
Manchester United’s crest is iconic mostly because of the fact it belongs to Manchester United, but also I’m pretty sure it’s the only football club badge in the world to have a devil on it. This is not something I’ve actually bothered to check though, so you can shout at me if I’m wrong.
6. West Brom
The bird on West Brom’s badge is a throstle, which doesn’t sound like a real thing, but I am assured does actually exist. Back in the ‘30s, the club used to have one of the birds sitting in a cage on the touchline, and it was said it would only sing when the Baggies were winning. The thing it’s sitting on is a hawthorn branch, after the name of the stadium, so all in all this badge makes a lot of sense.
5. Tottenham
With the Spurs logo I always kind of feel like it doesn’t need the name of the club underneath. Otherwise it’s pretty perfect – it’s got that retro feel while still looking clean and modern. It’s an excellent navy too.
4. Arsenal
Because Arsenal always finish fourth – and always finish above Tottenham. It is a good badge though – it’s strong and simple without being boring.
3. Everton
Thank fuck they changed that absolute shocker from 2013 after just one season, because this new one is a beauty. That tower on it is actually tiny in real life – it’s called Prince Rupert’s Tower and sits at the heart of the Everton district of Liverpool. The Latin motto at the bottom means “nothing but the best is good enough”, which is odd since they regularly finish mid-table.
2. Southampton
OK, so Southampton’’s badge is totally ridiculous, but you can’t help but kind of love it. Why does that cartoon football have a halo? Why is that tree planted in the sea? Fuck knows, but I’m having a lot of fun looking at it.
1. Liverpool
Liverpool’s badge had to be number one, not just because of how it looks, but because of the meaning behind it. It’s got the city’s liver bird at the centre, and even more importantly, the two eternal flames remembering the victims of the Hillsborough disaster sitting on either side. A representation of the famous Shankly gates tops the club’s even more famous motto, meaning this crest pretty much has it all – it’s just a shame they don’t use it on the shirts any more.
