Football pet hates – JOE’s ‘wrong’ squad numbers XI

Every Premier League season there tends to be a newly-promoted team with a ‘who’s that?’ squad list of lower-league talent.

Last season’s designated fairytale merchants were Bournemouth, but when you look past their anonymous-sounding back-line of Adam Smith, Simon Francis, Steve Cook, and Charlie Daniels, you’ll find an even greater crime: a left-back wearing number 11.

The Cherries are not the only team to commit such a heinous crime against football, of course, but watching Daniels pegged back on occasion against the Premier League’s best right-wingers got us thinking.

Is it possible to put together an entire team of players with squad numbers 1 to 11, none of whom wore the ‘proper’ number for their designated position.

The answer, as it turns out, is yes…

1. Edgar Davids (Midfield, Barnet)

We’re still coming to terms with how Davids, a Champions League winner and World Cup veteran, wound up as player-manager of League 2 Barnet. But when Davids wants number one, Davids gets number one.

It arguably wasn’t even the most egotistical thing associated with the Dutchman’s time in North London. In fact, we make it a three-way tie between the squad number, the refusal to travel to away games, and the massive mural of the former Juventus midfielder which took pride of place in front of the dugout at Underhill. What a man.

2. Emiliano Viviano (Goalkeeper, Sampdoria)

Former Arsenal keeper (no, you didn’t dream up his spell there) Viviano did the unthinkable after moving to Samp, donning the number 2 on the grounds that – according to the Squad Numbers Blog – he’s not a fan of high numbers.

There’s an urban legend that he chose the deuce because he knew how sh*t he was, but we’re not sure there’s any truth to that particular rumour.

Honourable mentions: Clint ‘Deuce’ Dempsey (Seattle Sounders), Aroune Kone (Wigan Athletic)

https://twitter.com/OShaughnessyK/status/651487751146225664

3. Asamoah Gyan (Forward, Ghana)

Gyan is not the first African striker to wear the number three, and we’re sure he won’t be the last.

Mohamed Kallon set the ball rolling while at Inter (though he’s since gone on to player-manage a team named after himself, so he’s maybe not someone whose lead you should be following) before Gyan took his lead. But Gyan has worn 3 at Shanghai SIPG and Al-Ain, and at international level. So he wins.

4. Kanu (Forward, Nigeria)

Number four should be worn by a holding midfielder. Maybe by a centre-back if you play three at the back. Not by the big man up front.

But Nigeria do things differently. When you consider John Obi Mikel was deployed as their main creative outlet for years, Kanu in the 4 shirt seems less extreme.

5. Zinedine Zidane (Midfield, Real Madrid)

In much the same way as we let Davids’ choice of shirt number slide, no one was going to tell Zidane – then the world’s most expensive player – he couldn’t have his preferred number.

This never would have happened if Blackburn had signed the Frenchman back before his Juventus move – why did they have to decide Tim Sherwood was the better option?

Honourable mentions: David Bentley (Tottenham Hotspur), Gini Wijnaldum (Newcastle United/Liverpool), Milan Baros (Liverpool)

6. Darren Huckerby (Forward, Norwich City)

The number six was the toughest to fill in this team, but thankfully Huckerby came through with the goods far more reliably than he was able to for much of his professional career.

Strangely enough, the man who wore Norwich’s number six shirt before Huckerby – Danish under-21 international David Nielsen – was also a striker. And that’s your piece of useless information for today.

7. Christian Dailly (Centre-back, West Ham United)

West Ham’s 2006/07 squad was well-stocked with creative attacking talent: Carlos Tevez, Teddy Sheringham, Matty Etherington, Yossi Benayoun and more were all on the club’s books.

So who wore the prestigious number 7, associated with the likes of Best, Ronaldo, Beckham and Cantona at another United? A centre-back with five goals for the club in 191 appearances, of course.

Honourable mentions: Paul Scharner (Wigan Athletic), Nelson Vivas (Arsenal)

8. Glen Johnson (Right-back, Stoke City)

Come on now, Glen. Take a look at yourself for God’s sake.

9. Steve Sidwell (Midfield, Chelsea)

In Jose Mourinho’s first Chelsea season he signed Didier Drogba and Ricardo Carvalho. In his second, he signed Michael Essien. The following year, Michael Ballack and Andrey Shevchenko came on board. Year four? Sidwell.

It was bad enough seeing the calibre of signing drop so badly, but many say the announcement of Sidwell as the new number nine was the last straw for Mourinho, who self-sabotaged in protest. Mind you, it still probably wasn’t as bad as centre-back Khalid Boulahrouz wearing the traditional striker’s number.

Honourable mention: Mahamadou Diarra (Fulham)

10. William Gallas (Centre-back, Arsenal)

When a club icon leaves, sometimes you don’t want to hand another similar player the burden of his squad number. Still, Arsene Wenger’s way around this wasn’t quite the inspired decision he might have envisaged.

After Dennis Bergkamp hung up his boots, centre-back Gallas took over his famous number 10 shirt and showed Wenger why you shouldn’t play God when it comes to squad numbers.

11. Charlie Daniels (Left-back, Bournemouth)

We all know plenty of left-backs are frustrated wingers who got stuck there at school purely because they could kick with their left-foot, but there’s no reason to draw attention to it.

Daniels isn’t even the only example of this in the Premier League. That’s right, I’m looking at you, Aleksandar Kolarov.

So, here’s how that team looks

And here’s how it would shape up with their players in the position their squad number dictates. Good luck, Edgar.