This one has not gone down well.
Arsenal’s need for reinforcements has been well-documented throughout this transfer window, with the departure of Theo Walcott and the expected exit of Alexis Sanchez leaving the club in desperate need for new players.
The club have found themselves linked with a whole host of players across Europe, with Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Henrikh Mkhitaryan believed to be closest to completing moves to North London.
But despite the impressive progress shown on these fronts, there was embarrassment at the Emirates Stadium today after it emerged that Arsene Wenger’s side had accidentally signed a 54-year-old accountant named Malcolm instead of the Bordeaux player of the same name.
Arsenal had been linked with a move for the France-based Brazilian attacker for some time, with a number of sources even suggesting that contact had been made between the two clubs.
That, however, appears to have been little more than speculation after it was revealed that the club had in fact been negotiating with and sealed a deal for middle-aged Islington native Malcolm Cromwell, a senior accountant with a firm called Financial Solutions.
Speaking this afternoon, an embarrassed source at the Premier League club explained exactly how the club ended up signing a 54-year-old with no interest in sport instead of their intended target.
“We probably should have noticed something was weird when our £25 million bid was immediately accepted without any negotiation at all. But frankly we thought that Bordeaux were just being really nice. Never in a million years did we think that we had actually bid for a man described by his colleagues as ‘fairly good at his job’,” said the club official today.
“But then he came in for his first day and we sort of realised something was wrong. At first we assumed he was Malcolm’s agent but then he said ‘Hi, I’m Malcolm. I believe I’m supposed to report to Mr. Wenger’.
“Once we’d seen him training with the first team we knew we’d made an enormous mistake. He was way off the pace and frankly looked like he had a bit of a belly. The situation was only made worse when he asked what sport the team plays.”
While Arsenal have decided to stick by Cromwell and give him a chance in their accounting department, the club’s fans have been much less forgiving about the deal.
“It’s a disaster. He’s not even a footballer,” said one supporter while speaking to Arsenal Fan TV. “I’ll give him a chance, but if he ends up fucking off to United or City he’s dead to me.”
