A picture tells a thousand words.
A raft of World Cup kits were released this week to enormous fanfare. This year’s selection of kits appears to be a hit with supporters, who have responded well to the creative decision to design jerseys that people will actually wear in public.
One benefit of this approach is that its given us some rather wonderful photographs of footballers in the new kits, like James Rodriguez trying to spot those smart ass kids or Messi waiting impatiently for his consistently late dad to arrive.
With that in mind, the JOE brain trust has put our minds together to answer the questions: What exactly is going through the minds of these respective players? What are they thinking? What are they going to do?
Mats Hummels
Mats is here, looking great in his Adidas Germany jersey, standing outside the leisure centre eyeing up your new car while his mates try to get crisps out of the vending machine by shouldering it from the side.
Lionel Messi
Here he is, the best player in the world, left standing out in the cold like a prick because his dad forgot to check his tire pressure despite his mum reminding him for weeks. Training ended an hour ago and it’s starting to rain. It’s too late to start walking so he might as well wait. He’s fuming.
Toni Kroos, Mesut Ozil and Mats Hummels
The lads have just finished their exams and it’s their last big night out before they go back home for the summer. Toni has been practicing his “lean-on-the-mate-to-look-cool” pose all year and this is the time to shine. Mats has got his hands behind his back so his chest muscles pop a bit more and Mesut hates having his photo taken.
Juan Cuadrado
Juan has just finished recording and editing his first album. His friend is an aspiring photographer and told him he’d do the publicity shots for free, but Juan’s not impressed. “Why do I have to do the gun shape with my hand? It’s an EDM album,” he says. His friend doesn’t listen.
Angel Di Maria
Angel’s mates have been at him all week about getting a game of five-a-side going. “You’re the only one with a proper ball,” they said. He relented and come Saturday he cycles the 20 minutes to the local AstroTurf. He comes around the corner and his mates aren’t there. He tries to call them and no one’s answering. What a waste of time.
Michy Batshuayi
Michy is an Instagram influencer and he’s spending his afternoon going around town and standing in front of various pebble dash walls taking quirky pictures for his latest set of lifestyle photos. Fair dues, he looks good.
Tomoaki Makino
Tomoaki is out for a walk with his brother. They’re chatting about work and whatnot when all of a sudden he feels something squishy under his feet. He’s certain it’s dog shit and this is only the second time he’s worn his new trainers. He picks up a wee stick and leans against the fence. IT’S JUST MUD! Result. He’s ecstatic.
Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez
Chicharito has been single for a while so he’s over the moon when he meets a girl he likes and who, crucially, likes him. One problem: she’s super religious and he’s not been to mass since his great-uncle died. “Do I look solemn enough?” he asks as his mate takes a picture for his Facebook profile photo.
James Rodriguez
Every day. Every day at the same time. Every day the same young lads come rallying down the street in their Corsa, waking James up. He’s working night shifts, he needs to sleep. It’s brutal. They’ve come around again but this time he’s waiting. He’s confident if he squints hard enough he’ll be able to make out the licence plate number. He can’t. Back to bed.
Denis Glushakov
Denis is on holiday with his family. He’s managed to convince his mum and dad to bring him to the only football stadium in the city. He gets there, has his photo taken, and immediately wants to leave. Absolute poser.
Timo Werner, Mesut Ozil, Jonas Hector, Thomas Muller and Julian Draxler
You told the lads to meet you at your gaff at 6. You told them you’d be there. “We can have a beer before we head out,” you said. Then you come sauntering up the street and they aren’t fucking happy. The reservation is at 6.30. This is the second time this week. It has to stop mate.
