Are you, in fact, a dickhead? Well then. Come this way. We might have something for you. We might really have something.
It is with deep, deep regret that I must inform you that Versace have released a ‘football shirt’, which you can buy from luxury fashion conmen SS Sense for 700 dollars (500 Great British pounds).
If you hate yourself, your family, life, football, not looking like a dickhead, money, not being visibly laughed at whilst you walk down the street, subtlety, humour, Wetherspoons, homeless people and any film that isn’t part of the Fast & Furious franchise, then this might be for you.
If you love top-knots, your Dad calling you a prick, spending actual money on your FIFA Ultimate Team, calling yourself a model because you begged a friend to take some photos of you for your insta, using an excessive amount of the crying-laughing emoji, wearing bumbags, keeping your roll-ups in said bumbag, sincerely calling yourself a big grime fan because you’ve listened to ‘Shut Up’ and ‘Shut Up’ only over 600 times, and have a Tinder bio that includes your height and a gym selfie, then this is definitely for you. This is unequivocally the shirt for you.
Do you just fucking love lacrosse?
Look at it.
It is white, mostly. It has some black stripes. It has a badge. What is the badge? It is vaguely arty, not proper art, but what somebody has never been to a gallery would guess art looks like. What is the other badge? Well, the same really. Ooooooo. It’s gold. It looks like the front cover of your Latin textbook at private school. Oooooo. That’s kinda cool to you now, somehow.
Are there any other details? There is a red bit, look. At the end of the sleeves. That’s OK I guess. That is a design choice I suppose. That is a colour that isn’t black or white, which is just the absence of colour. It has a crew-neck collar. One half is black. The other half is white, like most of the rest of it. Ooooo. Monochrome. Monochrome is very ‘in’, isn’t it? Oooooo. There is some design. There is some design here, worth approximately £4 out of the £500 you are paying. I hope it was made in sweatshops, you think. I really hope this was made in a dimly lit factory in the Far East so I can wear it to a Bank Holiday day-rave and tell everyone about your business idea for a website that combines “memes” and “banter” and “Boiler Room sets”.
Is there anything else? Look closer. Squint your eyes like you are looking directly into the giant molten sun. What is it? What is that? What is that tiny scripture?
Oh.
Oh.
It’s just the word Versace, over and over. Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace, horse riding, Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace.
Would you, tell me, would you wear this shirt? Not even buy it. If somebody gave this shirt to you, for free, for no money, there is no exchange or transaction of currency involved, would you wear it?
What about if they gave you money to wear it? Would you wear it then?
What about if they gave you money and offered to share one of your #modelling photos on the Versace instagram page to kickstart your career (translation: picked up by an agency, dropped by an agency two months later)? Would you wear it then? At least you’d get a Versace tote bag. You could wear that to the pub. You could bring that with you when you go to the pub so everyone can see your Versace tote bag at the pub where everyone is drinking drinks and having a nice time, at the pub. That would be good wouldn’t it. You’d enjoy that, wouldn’t you.
Would you wear it with your Versace tote bag? How about your Gucci sliders? Would you wear it? Would you combine the two? Would you combine the two with the Versace ‘football’ top and wear them to your shift at a Shoreditch popup?
Would you wear it if civilisation as we know it turned to rubble before our very eyes? Would you?
Would you wear it?
Do you like football?
You don’t like football, do you. You can’t like football.
