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26th May 2016

Mourinho merchandise: Products that Man United could use Jose’s image rights for

Nooruddean Choudry

It’s a sign of the times.

With salary and terms agreed, and willingness fromĀ all parties to conclude the deal as soon as possible, the final stumbling block to Jose Mourinho being appointed the new manager of Manchester United was of course image rights.

It transpires that Chelsea had trademarked the ‘Jose Mourinho’ brand for everything from umbrellasĀ to eau de cologne. Now those issues have finally been resolved and Mourinho is in place, we’ve come up with a few product suggestions for the marketing men at Old Trafford…

Mourinho coach hireĀ 

Very expensive to run but will get you from A to B far quicker than your clapped out old Van. Experiences constant problems with suspension,Ā and performs best when parked.

Mourinho contact lenses

Allow you to see exactly what you want to see, thanks toĀ innovative new ‘warped-reality’ technology. Excessive use may cause eyes to feel gouged and sore.

Mourinho bra

Functional upfront, whilst remainingĀ tight and secure at the back. Generally very supportive but isĀ liable toĀ snap at any moment. Proven track recordĀ in cups.

MourinhoĀ moisturiser

SuperbĀ coverage, mainly due to its active agent. Provides immediate lift but effects canĀ wear off quickly. Guaranteed to get under the skin of Catalans, and may causeĀ irritation toĀ Frenchmen.

Mourinho calculator

Everything is perfectlyĀ calculated and all the numbers look impressive. This model is particularly adeptĀ at division. Only comes withĀ a three-year guarantee, but veryĀ effective counter.

Mourinho washing powder

Gets deep into your laundry and excels when dealing withĀ grime and dirt. Somehow comes out looking whiter than white, even whenĀ washing dirty linen in public.

Mourinho chewing gum

Refreshing at first, itĀ canĀ leave a bitter taste in the mouth over time, and become very hard to swallow. Definitely not suitable for youngsters.