Mourinho turns to philosophy to explain his way out of Man United crisis

We regret to inform you that Jose Mourinho is now relying on Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel to help get him out of his current downward spiral

Unfortunately for the under-fire Reds boss, the transfer window is closed, and even so:

a) Hegel is a German philosopher

b) Who has been dead since 1831

And

c) Is therefore currently unable to slot in at centre back.

In a bizarre series of statements, Mourinho has all at once doubled down on his reign at United so far, slyly fired away at his contemporaries (and media darlings) Jurgen Klopp and Mauricio Pochettino, loosely referenced Phenomenology of Spirit, and admitted that should he fail to win the Premier League during his time at Old Trafford, which, let’s be honest, is looking quite likely, he will still consider himself one of the greatest managers in the world.

That last part isn’t particularly surprising as Jose continues to resemble a haggard rock frontman, still attempting to belt out the same stadium anthems that got him there in the first place, in denial of his own croaky whisper once a roar.

Mourinho said:

“I am the manager of one of the greatest clubs in the world but I am also one of the greatest managers in the world.

“Did you read any philosopher or in your information you never spent time reading Hegel? Just as an example Hegel says the truth is in the whole, is always in the whole…

“Do you ask that question to the manager that finished third in the Premier League or fourth? Because he never wins anything in international for example.

“I tell you what I think, how he [Klopp] feels. And I answer you the question. That’s easy.”

There really is nothing like a glib, reductive interpretation of Hegelianism to dismiss a football journalist in a press conference, especially when it is then followed up with a petty dig at a rival. Get. It. In. My. Veins.

Crisis? What crisis? Read a philosophy book you fool. Then you will finally understand. The truth is the whole, not just in Ander Herrera as part of a back three. 

Even better, Jose took it upon himself to continue the onslaught by defending his achievements thus far (fair enough) before implying that the current iteration of Manchester United Football Club is a Europea League team, stating: “We won [the] Europa League because that was our level.”

“I had last season great success. I had great success last season, that’s what you probably don’t want to admit.

“I repeat that two seasons ago we had a fantastic season by winning the Europa League, this season and last everybody thought Atletico Madrid was amazing because they won the Europa League after being knocked out of the Champions League.

“We won Europa League because that was our level. We are the last team in England to win a European trophy.

Then he did the only thing the self-appointed Special One can do now, which was to hark back a time when he was widely considered to be one of the best managers in the world, not just by himself; the grandfather boring grandchildren with rambling tales of his glory days.

“I won eight titles, I am the only manager in the world that won in Italy, Spain and England and by winning eight titles – not small titles or countries – my second position last season is one of my greatest achievements in football.”

And that last part? That’s either a lie or the biggest compliment he can give to Jurgen Klopp, Mauricio Pochettino, Pep Guardiola et al.

Which, do you think, is more likely? After all, the truth is in the whole, it is in the whole…