“Roy Keane gets himself in a right lather.”
This, disappointingly, was not the headline on The Sun’s exclusive story about the Republic of Ireland assistant manager getting stuck in a car wash near his home in Cheshire on Wednesday.
The former Manchester United midfielder was understandably agitated when his Range Rover got wedged in the drive-through car wash, but this being Keano there were onlookers to attest that he gave the staff both barrels.
“Keane is renowned for his short fuse but this was ridiculous,” said one unnamed source.
Who wouldn’t get angry if there £80,000 SUV got stuck in a car wash? Keane – alone with his 47 thoughts in that soapy crypt – would surely be no different.
1. £8 for a car wash? That’s a disgrace.
2. As long as they don’t cut corners, and behave professionally, it should represent good value.
3. They can fuck off if they think they’re getting a tip though.
4. You don’t praise the postman for delivering your letters, after all.
5. Bit tight, this entrance though.
6. Like those Neville lads.
7. Ha ha ha.
8. Fuck it, Keano. You’ve gone in as crooked as a Glenn Whelan through ball there.
9. If I scratch the rims Theresa will murder me.
10. Is this thing fucking working or not?
11. That doesn’t sound good.
12. Stay calm, Roy.
13. …
14. …
15. Count to three.
16. …
17. This is a fucking DISGRACE!
18. Did they not do their research?
19. If you’re charging £8 for a premium car wash then your car wash should fit a top of the range Range Rover.
20. At the end of the day.
21. Clearly this is not a top, top car wash.
22. I’d be embarrassed if this was my car wash.
23. I certainly have nothing to be embarrassed about.
23. And certainly nothing to apologise about.
24. Why is that lad avoiding my eye?
25. Can he not see me flailing my arms?
26. My car is stuck in your poxy car wash.
27. More like a car park.
28. What is he doing there? He is wandering around as if he is lost. He doesn’t know what he is doing.
29. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail, kid.
30. This car park has failed.
31. Oh fuck, here come the camera phones.
32. Stop waving your arms, Roy.
33. Think of the headlines, Roy.
34. Something to do with a lather, no doubt.
35. Fucking comedians.
36. The fucking car wasn’t even that dirty.
37. I should have just walked the dogs again.
38. If I have to drive to Stoke in Theresa’s car on Saturday there will be hell to pay.
39. James McClean will never play for Ireland again.
40. That chap…
41. He’d be tweeting about the Dubliners or something if he was in my position.
42. Thank Christ I am not on Twitter.
43. This shithole is getting one hell of an anonymous Yelp review though.
44. “Mayfield16” strikes again.
45. “Car wash too small for my Range Rover, at the end of the day. Staff uncommunicative and prone to crying. NO STARS!”
46. That’ll fuckin’ learn them.
47. Why didn’t I just walk the dogs?
