Popcornus Relaxus
Don’t take anything they read or see particularly seriously, instead preferring to wait until prospective targets are holding aloft a megastore scarf at an official press conference. They do however enjoy watching others slowly unravel as the summer rolls on and rumours prove unfounded.
Rollis Coastum
Take every rumour on face value, refusing to learn from previous disappointment and numerous heartbreaks. Each day starts with giddy optimism as they carefully draft imaginary formations including ‘nailed on’ new signings; every evening ends with them ugly crying into their tea.
Relucta Muppetus
Do everything possible to insulate themselves from the biannual brouhaha. They ignore Facebook speculation, mute transfer accounts on Twitter, and thumb past the back page of the paper. But just when they think they’re out, they’re sucked back in by an overheard rumour at a bus stop.
Twitchus Arsi
A ticking time bomb of nerves. Their mind’s eye sees everything in Sky Sports yellow, whilst a countdown clock ticks on in the corner. As the weeks, days, minutes and seconds pass, they grow increasingly hysterical about nothing much happening. Heaven for them is business done early.
Glumus Pessimus
All news – including no news – is bad news. Signing no one is a disaster. Signing someone is worse. If a player is linked, they’re simply not good enough; if the same player signs for a rival, they were world class. They are only truly happy when they’re proved right and everyone else is as miserable as them.
Giddiness Maximus
A few new faces has them bursting with uncontrollable excitement for the new season. They’ll happily stay up until 3am in the morning to watch a friendly match against a Singapore XI just to catch a glimpse of their shiny left-back. Each signing is the final piece in the jigsaw and will guarantee success.
Wendus Seasonstarti
Utterly dismayed by the whole transfer circus. Their only focus is the football and the football alone. If it was up to them all transfers would be conducted in a single week to bring an end to the ceaseless close season sh*tefest. Would rather go to the local to watch a kick-about than stand a minute of rolling ‘news’.
Scepticalus Detectum
This amateur Poirot takes nothing on face value and spends hours dissecting and unravelling the truth behind every rumour out there. Wants to know the source and see the workings for every morsel of information on any potential move. Pretends to be above it all, but is as deep as it’s possible to be.
Illegalum Streamis
They know. Or at least they think they know. And they want you to know that they know. A variant of the traditional ITK, rather than reported inside information on transfer deals, they like to give you detailing scouting reports on each target, because they’ve been avid viewers of Bolivian 2nd division for some time.
Bedroomi Expertum
Everything is a smokescreen – it’s all a big conspiracy. They love to speculate on the story behind the story, and provide their unique take on what’s really going on. They are helped by a natural gift for understanding body language and an innate ability to understand what people are really thinking. Huge fans of the ‘what if…’
