Nobody needs a club branded tape measure
Elite football clubs are just as much corporate machines as they are sporting teams these days – that’s not a controversial statement. What is controversial though, is some of the shite they try to flog at Christmas as parents scurry to find stocking fillers for their children.
We took a look through some Premier League clubs’ official online stores and found some of the maddest crap you can waste your money on this festive period. You’ll want to stay for the last one…
Arsenal Skyline Dog Jumper, £20
Dogs don’t need jumpers. They’re covered in fur. Somehow, this has sold out.
Look, I remember building dens as a child and finding the idea of camping indoors inexplicably exciting. But this seems a steep price to ask for some Liverpool logos on the product. Unsurprisingly, they’ve still got plenty of these in stock.
Manchester United Remington Colour Cut Clipper, £22
I’ve got a Remington hairdryer, it’s very good. Nothing against the brand. But I refuse to believe any adult who shaves is buying a club branded razor. This absolutely stinks of the sort of disappointing gift I would have got for my dad as a kid that would make him have to feign excitement.
Spurs Snugzy Harry Kane Mini Me Doll, £24.99
They’re still doing those mental cushions.
Chelsea: Fairisle Dog Christmas Pyjama – Multi – Dog, £12
I don’t know how else to explain this: dogs don’t understand the concept of football clubs and crucially, do not need pyjamas.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice. He’s going to play Soucek with Declan Rice… Or something.
Honourable mention to this item, which is completely unrelated to Christmas, but simply couldn’t be ignored. Who is buying this? And what sort of groom wears a white suit?
Crystal Palace: 5m tape measure, £8.99
The market for this gift seems extremely niche. But, I suppose, everyone will need a tape measure at some point, there’s not much harm in sticking a Palace logo on there. Still, hardly the most thoughtful festive gift, is it?
Leicester City Crest Dart Flights – 3 Pack, £3
Perhaps a suitable stocking filler for some people, but again it feels like an extremely niche market to target.
Leeds United: Striped crest tie, £25
Unless you are a representative of the club, you should never, ever wear a club branded tie. Who do you think you are?
Everton Christmas Shirt, £24.50
An absolute monstrosity that should only be worn by Everton staff at the annual Christmas do, which presumably didn’t happen this year. Dreadful.
Aston Villa OddBalls Boxer Shorts, £10
They make these for women too, and the website says they are almost gone. I cannot emphasise enough to all the Villa supporters who’ve bought these for their wives/girlfriends this Christmas that they should reconsider their decision.
