So now we know.
After a steady, six-month stream of reports, Jose Mourinho finally *is* the manager of Manchester United, taking the place of the recently-dismissed Louis van Gaal.
Predicting what lies ahead for United and Mourinho is almost impossible, but nevertheless, we’ve dusted off our JOE crystal ball and had a look at what’s in store for United supporters in the months to come.
Expect it to pan out *exactly* like this…
May 2016
The worst kept secret in world football is out: Jose Mourinho is the new Manchester United manager. In a message to the United supporters, he promises to stick to the ethos of his new club, and adds that he will conduct himself impeccably throughout his time in charge.
He sends a bouquet of flowers to the wives of Sir Alex Ferguson and Sir Bobby Charlton.
The Jose Mourinho era has begun at Old Trafford.
June 2016
Getting rid of Juan Mata is an obvious problem in Mourinho’s early weeks. But with the diminutive Spaniard missing the Euros, Jose hatches a cunning plan. Mata is encouraged to take part in the Soccer Aid event at Old Trafford. With Jose managing the England team, he instructs John Bishop to closely mark Mata and subject him to 90 minutes of Scouse humour.
Mata, who has gone out of his way to immerse himself in Mancunian culture since arriving at Old Trafford, simply can’t handle it and is reduced to a quivering wreck. Days later, he announces in a surprisingly-well written blog that he has retired from football.
August 2016
With Euro 16 done, Mourinho puts the finishing touch on his transfer plans.
The press continue to point out that his appointment might spell bad news for United’s youngsters. A smiling, eager-to-impress Mourinho politely dismisses this in a press conference. He also uses the occasion to announce the signing of 34-year-old Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
“In one year, you will see that Zlatan has influenced these young players,” Mourinho adds.
December 2016
With no Champions League football on their agenda, United start the campaign strongly and are in the thick of a title charge by the time the Christmas period arrives.
Champions Leicester have not started very well and sit in eleventh by the time of New Year.
February 2016
With United and Pep Guardiola’s City level on points entering the league’s final stages, the charming, polite persona that Mourinho has rigorously stuck to in his early months at Old Trafford begins to slide as he releases a series of catty remarks about his old rival.
On a Friday press conference at the Etihad Campus, reporters try and coax Pep into some form of response. He refuses to get involved and leaves the training complex for home earlier than scheduled.
When inside the electric gates of his Alderly Edge mansion, he finds a startled Rui Faria encircling his house with a can of petrol and a box of matches in his hand.
Faria scarpers but Guardiola is furious and accuses Mourinho of being involved.
May 2017
City crumble and a fuming Pep Guardiola resigns, replaced by highly-rated former United assistant Ryan Giggs. Despite this, United still miss out on the league as Leicester City go on an 18-match winning streak from January.
Fans are disappointed at missing out on their 21st league title but satisfied that United appear to be moving in the right direction.
Meanwhile, at Stamford Bridge, out of contract John Terry sobs uncontrollably as he tries to address Chelsea supporters after their final match of the season. This time, his attempts to guilt the Chelsea board into another one-year contract extension fail. He leaves the club.
June 2017
Much to the disapproval of Manchester United supporters, Mourinho signs Terry and instantly makes him United captain.
August 2017
Along with the now 36-year-old Terry, Zlatan Ibrahimovic looks set to continue at Old Trafford. As promised, his influence is rubbing off on United’s younger players, with the likes of Jesse Lingard and Marcus Rashford constantly referring to themselves in third person and refusing to do any running whatsoever when not in possession of a football.
December 2017
It’s been a nightmarish start to the season for United. Already out of the Champions League and sitting in tenth in the league table, the fans and media have turned on Mourinho.
Threatened with legal action if he continues not to attend press conferences, Mourinho reluctantly agrees he will begin to attend media events again. In his first press conference back he communicates with reporters using a series of sarcastic and childish faces.
February 2018
Manchester United fans are raging as the club lose every match from Christmas onwards. The promising youngsters that Mourinho inherited have all been farmed out on loan. The United starting XI consists of a collection of thrity-something-year-olds that were once coached by Mourinho when in their mid-twenties and a selection of distinctly average Jorge Mendes clients, signed in the January transfer window.
Outside Old Trafford, Diego Simeone scarves are on sale on match days.
March 2018
United director Sir Alex Ferguson expresses his concern at United’s continuing woeful form. Sir Bobby Charlton is also seen shaking his head following a 4-0 humbling at home by Bournemouth. The pair are never seen again.
In a message of defiance to the angry United fans, Mourinho orders the removal of the Sir Matt Busby and Sir Alex Ferguson statues from outside Old Trafford. Within a week, statues of Mourinho and Jorge Mendes take their place.
May 2018
Manchester United are relegated.
Nevertheless, Ed Woodward pens the following statement.
“I would like to thank Jose and his staff for their excellent work in the past two years culminating in our exciting and ultimately unsuccessful bid to avoid relegation from the Premier League. He has behaved with great professionalism and dignity throughout his time here. Everyone at the club wishes him all the best in the future.”
As a gesture of good-will to Mourinho, Woodward also charters a private jet to take him to London. Within days, Jose Mourinho leaves the club and is appointed as manager of Chelsea for the third time.
