“Oh, Christ, these men.” My wife’s words as she watched Match of the Day on Saturday night seemed to be as fitting a slogan as any for welcoming the new season. Many supporters will have similar thoughts over the course of the year, many moments when they will think, “Oh, Christ. This man.”
There are eight new Premier League coaches this season. Some carry themselves with utter self-assurance, but many of these men may also have similar thoughts as they experience the loathing and self-loathing which are an essential part of management.
These men will suffer and some already have, so there is only one place to start:
20. Arsene Wenger – If you are Arsene Wenger, you don’t want want one season to run effortlessly into the next, no matter how much you talk about an unbeaten run. You don’t want one season in one day. Certainly you don’t want the last few seasons to be encapsulated in one afternoon. The early promise, the devastating collapse, the resurgence in garbage time, they were all present at the Emirates on Sunday. Oh, Arsenal. Oh, Christ.
19. Alan Pardew – An opening day defeat means very little, but Pards, like Wenger, needed something that wasn’t reminiscent of how things ended last year. Palace took only eleven points from January on last season and a home defeat against West Brom wasn’t what was required. Those of us who saw Pards gliding effortlessly through the press room at Stamford Bridge last August before Palace beat Chelsea will be saddened by how things have gone. At that point, he looked like the next England manager. But things have changed since then.
18. Claudio Ranieri – Everybody is ready to write off Leicester after their opening day defeat to Hull, even if there is already a backlash against the backlash. Hull seemed to figure out how to play against Leicester, something which was beyond nearly everyone including Manchester City for the second half of last season despite it being so obvious. In fact, it is so obvious that it may not be the truth.
17. David Moyes – Those of us who fear that Moyes will be permanently damaged by his time at Manchester United relaxed a little at the weekend. A manager needs to be a little bit unknowable or if we think we know anything we need to think they are alpha males capable of dominating a dressing-room. Moyes, like Graham Taylor after his time in charge of England, could be in danger of being viewed very differently. However, there was enough to suggest at the Etihad that Sunderland’s players will respond to his methods.
16. Sean Dyche – Burnley will struggle this season, that’s not a surprise, but Dyche will continue to be interesting and unafraid. He felt they were harshly treated against Swansea, but as a promoted side Burnley might have to get used to that.
15. Slaven Bilic – A late and unjust defeat against local rivals won’t do anything to damage Bilic’s reputation. How West Ham cope with their new stadium will be one of the most important factors in their season, but even more critically Bilic will need his new signings to settle quickly.
14. Eddie Howe – Nothing wrong with losing to a strengthened Manchester United, but Bournemouth and Howe will hope that the sloppy way they conceded goals isn’t a sign of things to come.
13. Mark Hughes – For a while there last season, everyone was a Stoke fan. Now that they have signed Joe Allen there is bound to be even more love for them. Hughes will be as one-eyed as ever but Stoke will be worth watching. Some of the time.
12. Aitor Karanka – Middlesbrough’s signing of Alvaro Negredo was confirmed as a fantastic bit of business on the first day. Karanka is a talented and well-connected coach who should be able to attract the talent that keep ‘Boro up. That’s what the draw against Stoke told us, anyway.
11. Claude Puel – Puel has arrived quietly into English football and nothing happened at the weekend that suggested anyone should be getting over-excited just yet.
10. Walter Mazzarri – A sedate introduction for Mazzarri who could move up this table during the season. He will also bring passion on the sideline and there is a danger we will enters a passions arms race with managers desperate to show how much they care. Watford had one shot on target at St Mary’s so the passion on the sideline might be all we get.
9. Pep Guardiola – One of the most interesting aspects of the early part of the season will be watching how many goals Manchester City elegantly concede. Pep is going to impose his own fascinating system, but some of the fascination initially will be in how it could go wrong. As well as looking at Joe Hart on the bench when it does.
8. Mauricio Pochettino – This may turn out to be a more important result than it seemed at the time. Tottenham’s collapse last season would have seemed even more significant if they had lost on the opening day. Instead they grabbed a point. With many of Tottenham’s first team starting pre-season late, they will expect to improve. Vincent Janssen also looked like the kind of player who will benefit from working with Pochettino.
7. Ronald Koeman – Koeman is a fine appointment for Everton, but he has also taken over a talented squad at a good time. The first half was an example of what he can achieve and if Everton make a couple of more signings, they might actually deliver on recent promise.
6. Francesco Guidolin – Swansea are back! Fernando Llorente was involved in their winning goal against Burnley and he looks like being a cunning signing. Guidolin is an astute coach who will guide the players Swansea have assembled in a sensible manner.
5. Antonio Conte – Passion. That’s what everyone wants now. Also players who run 120km a game. Conte has passion and he has very fit players which increasingly will be a thing this season until Raymond Verheijen comes along and ruins it for everyone.
Muscle injuries. Cramping players. In terms of pre-season periodisation the Arsenal v Liverpool game clearly was the blind against the deaf.
— Raymond Verheijen (@raymondverheije) August 15, 2016
An opening night victory was exactly what Conte needed. The fact that it came in controversial circumstances is no harm. Chelsea aren’t supposed to be loved.
4. Tony Pulis – Tony Pulis must be wondering when he will get the credit for coming up with the idea of players running around a lot. As a student of history, Pulis will know that the visionary is often excluded by the victors when the history books are written. Those who watch a Pulis side will never forget it, sometimes for the wrong reasons. An opening day win, a header from a set-piece, everything was present at the weekend. The world is moving closer to Pulis, while he stays reassuringly the same. Their last eleven league wins have been by a one-goal margin.
3. Jose Mourinho – Nobody is better at shaping a narrative than Mourinho. United would be expected to beat Bournemouth, but after all that has happened over the past few years, nobody knows what to expect at Old Trafford. Victory therefore had added significance and added to the sense that things have changed.
2. Jurgen Klopp – Liverpool still can’t defend, winning at Arsenal isn’t what it was and Alberto Moreno, but there were piggybacks and some devastating attacking play which suggested Liverpool will make a top four challenge. They also ran a lot. Tony Pulis was on to that first, you know?
1. Mike Phelan – After one game, it is embarrassingly clear that Manchester United overlooked an obvious successor to Alex Ferguson when Phelan was allowed to walk away in 2013. Phelan masterminded – yes, there is no other word – the victory against Leicester City despite having only 13 fit players. Who knows what is going on at Hull, but as Phelan would probably say, when nobody knows what’s going on, the tough get going. Or something.
