Will Jose Mourinho end up as Manchester United manager? To be quite honest, we’re beyond the point of caring.
Instead of joining in with everyone else and regurgitating the same old speculation about if and when he takes charge of United, we’ve looked back to the summer of 2013, and imagined a world where Mourinho – not David Moyes – was appointed as Sir Alex Ferguson’s replacement.
Here’s how the three years that have followed would have almost certainly panned out…
Summer 2013
The unveiling.
Weeks after Sir Alex Ferguson’s departure, a beaming Mourinho takes his seat behind the desk of his new office at United’s Carrington training complex. Grinning from ear to ear, Mourinho appears totally at ease in his new surroundings and photographers snap the moment he spontaneously kisses the Manchester United mousemat on the desk in front of him.
United supporters are delighted and a new banner unfurled on the Stretford End; ‘The Chosen One’, it reads. Mourinho has his new nickname embroidered into the collar of his smart overcoat.
Charm offensive.
Despite being publicly backed by the United board, Mourinho is very aware that he might not have been everyone’s first choice for the job. Murmurs in the press suggest some board members harbour concerns about his temperament and attitude towards other managers. Choosing to ignore the opportunity to add to his squad, Mourinho uses his first few weeks in the job showering United board members with elaborate gifts – buying predecessor Sir Alex Ferguson his very own vineyard in Portugal as a reminder of all the post-match bottles of wine they shared during their time as rivals.
September 2013
A bright start
United win all their matches in August and September, beginning with a 4-1 over Swansea and a 3-2 win over his former club Chelsea – now managed by Roman Abramovich. Despite the winning spree, Mourinho admits to being concerned at United’s tendency to concede goals and urges his new side to concentrate more on defending.
October 2013
Renewing acquaintances with Arsene Wenger
Still eager to make a good impression to the board, Mourinho is particularly glowing about old rival Arsene Wenger as his United side drop their first points of the season in a 1-1 draw with Arsenal at Old Trafford. Describing him as a genius, Mourinho hails the Frenchman as a ‘specialist in greatness’.
January 2014
January Transfer Window
With United in the thick of a title charge, Mourinho spurns the opportunity to sign Juan Mata from Chelsea, instead choosing to splurge £52.8m on John Obi Mikel. The Nigerian is seen as the perfect defensive midfielder to help United plug their leaking defence.
With the January transfer window in full swing, several reports begin to question why Mourinho has yet to field any of the club’s youngsters. A prickly Mourinho responds to the reports in a press conference, vowing that all young players will be granted first team football by the end of the season.
The following week, every member of United’s U18 and U21 side is loaned out to a variety of clubs in Leagues One and Two and Europe’s minor Premier Divisions.
May 2014
United win the title
United fall at the semi-finals of the Champions League, bowing out on penalties to Real Madrid, but end up winning the league at a canter. They win their final thirteen games 1-0, managing a total of 17 shots. Mourinho hails his champions’ ruthless efficiency.
On another note, Ryan Giggs calls time on his career, indicating that he has no intentions of moving into management.
Summer 2014
Cracks begin to show
A year in the job, rumours surface that Mourinho’s relationship with Ed Woodward has become strained. Reports suggest Mourinho has become angered at several of his players missing pre-season training for three straight days in order to shoot a commercial for United’s brand new South Korean tampon partner.
Ed Woodward resigns
Having signed Cesc Fabregas before the World Cup, Mourinho grows frustrated at Woodward’s inability to secure deals for other identified transfer targets. The pair clash again.
Woodward resigns with days remaining in the transfer window and, thanks to a bizarre clause installed in the contract Mourinho signed with United little over a year earlier, is replaced by Jorge Mendes.
United sign 17 players in the remaining days of the window, all of whom are ‘highly-rated’ Portuguese youngsters.
December 2014
Another solid start
Continuing where they left off, Mourinho’s United win their first 5 league games 1-0. They repeat the trend in the Champions League, breezing through the group stage to seize their passage to the knockout rounds.
United continue to grind out victories until the turn of the year, when Mourinho takes his side to White Hart Lane to face Louis van Gaal’s Tottenham.
Having been criticised in the press for United’s dull defensive-focused style of play, Mourinho cuts the strings for his side’s visit to Tottenham. The plan backfires disastrously, with Louis Van Gaal’s Spurs side cutting United to ribbons with the free-flowing attacking football. Summer recruit Memphis Depay is central to Spurs’ success, scoring a hat-trick.
May 2015
Another League title for United
Mourinho guides United to another league title, but the gap between them and the others has closed. The press comment that United are dull and defensive when they win, and struggle to convince when they try to play more attacking football.
Another failure in Europe is also a reason to criticise him.
Mourinho now seems a far cry from the eager-to-please charmer who strolled into Old Trafford two years ago. In United’s final home game against Arsenal, he is filmed spitting at Arsene Wenger in the tunnel.
August 2015
Fans express disappointment
As the new season begins, United fans vent their frustration at the manager and Jorge Mendes, noting the club’s failure to field any of the club’s youngsters in Mourinho’s time at the the club.
Mourinho responds by selling relatively unknown teenager Marcus Rashford to Manchester City, claiming the youngsters at the club aren’t good enough.
September 2015
Rumours swirl that Mourinho is losing the dressing room
Unlike his first two seasons in Manchester, United struggle for form in the early stages of the season. Club captain Wayne Rooney is involved in a fight with Mourinho as he attempts to stamp his authority on the players by banning them from visiting Manchester’s Wings restaurant.
October 2015
Mind Games return
Having resisted the urge to engage in mind games with other managers, Mourinho becomes desperate. With Leicester City leading the way in the Premier League, he claims manager Claudio Ranieri is too focused on keeping the same team and has abandoned the philosophy that made him the manager he was . In time, Ranieri changes his team selection with every new game, fielding Jamie Vardy at left back and Kasper Schmeichel in central midfield. Leicester lose momentum and are later relegated.
United’s trip to Arsenal sees them humiliated – losing 3-0 at The Emirates. Mourinho’s position becomes even more uncertain at full time when he punches Arsene Wenger, opening up a 12cm gash above the Frenchman’s right eye.
December 2015
A man named Andy Tate appears on a United fan Youtube channel, stating that it would’ve been impossible for another manager to have done a worse job than Mourinho. He demands that United revert to their policy of employing British managers.
February 2016
United are out of Europe, and sit twelfth in the Premier League. United fans are livid, and charter planes to fly over Old Trafford during every home game, carrying a banner saying “F**k off and die Jose”.
Undeterred, Mourinho’s agent Jorge Mendes negotiates a new 5-year deal for his client with United chief executive Jorge Mendes.
March 2016
Sir Alex Ferguson publicly criticises Mourinho, claiming that he had voiced his concerns at his appointment three years ago and had wanted someone who was ‘cut from the same cloth’ as himself.
The following night, Ferguson awakes in the night to find his bed is wet. As he turns on a light, he realises it is soaked in blood. Peeling back the sheets, he finds the severed head of one of his racehorses by his feet.
May 2016
United lose their crown to David Moyes’ Everton.
That night, United’s AON training complex is set alight and burns to the ground. The Manchester weather eventually douses the flames and the charred remains of United’s lovable devil mascot Fred the Red are discovered at the scene. Mourinho and Mendes are nowhere to be seen.
Days later, a haggard looking Sir Alex Ferguson takes a press conference from the smouldering remains of United’s training ground. He confirms that United have parted company with Mourinho and Mendes and heralds a new era at the club, welcoming new manager David Moyes and new signing, PFA player of the year, Marouane Fellaini.
